Venting exhausted

[grimes]

this is the only word i can use to describe myself now. i am simply exhausted.

when i talk, i feel like an alien. no one ever really gets what i'm saying. it's surreal, and freaks me out at times. i've had panic attacks over it. the feeling it gives me is horrible. it's almost as bad as the empty pit in my stomach that somehow has the weight of the world and is so, so hard to carry around with me everywhere. i feel physically heavy often. slow, sluggish, sometimes it makes me question if i'm actually just physically decaying as a result of my illness. my transition is going really slowly and it's starting to feel bad that i'm not making so much progress, even though i'm well aware that things are moving at around the average pace for trans women my age. and god the hormone mood swings, i can truly get wild sometimes and almost completely unstable. i have buspirone, which was supposed to help my anxiety, but i don't take it, for whatever reason. i don't know. i've been on a lot of meds in my life and i don't think they will ever be something that helps me. suicide is now on my mind daily no matter what. i'm on the edge and i'm falling asleep standing up because i'm so exhausted and any second, i'll just free fall

 

[FuneralCry]

It really does sound so tiring and awful what you go through, life really is just too cruel, it's such a horrible world we exist in where people suffer all through no fault of their own. But anyway I wish you the best.