Story Exhausted & Dizzy

[BlueWidow]

I just went on a shopping trip for the first time in 2 months. I had originally been planning to ctb this week, but I decided to wait until after the holidays to spare the few people that might care about my death.
I had been using up all my supplies of everything because I didn't think I was going to be here, so I had to go and do a relatively large shopping trip to replenish all the things I used up. As usual, leaving the house made me extremely anxious, exhausted, and dizzy. The shopping center is only about 7 minutes away from where I live by car, but it might as well be on the other side of the world.
I managed to get through it without passing out, thankfully. Then I came home and had to unpack all my stuff which is another nightmare. I was already incredibly dizzy and exhausted, but I had to at least put some of my stuff away that had to be refrigerated or frozen. I left everything else sitting out and I'm now in my bedroom lying down and the room is spinning around like I'm on the tilt a whirl. It will probably be hours before I can get up and put my stuff away.
I just wonder what kind of a life is this when I can't even go down the street and buy a few items without it exhausting me so much that I have to then spend several hours in bed to recover? Why don't the people around me see what a horrible quality of life I have? Why don't they understand that I'd be better off dead?
OK, I'm just gonna lie here and close my eyes. I may end up dozing off, or I may just lay here and hope the spinning stops soon.
Thanks for listening.

 

[SinisterKid]

Been that way for 11 yrs now. Some days, the journey from bed to chair is a epic adventure that leaves me knackered. Thankfully, some bright spark invented internet shopping and mine is delivered to the door. I just have to put it away.

 

[CrushedHopes]

Unfortunately, pro-life is a mainstream train of thought. Only a small amount of people, like SS members, could understand that some of us could only find salvation through death. If your current predicament has no hope of getting better, why bother? If you have a terminal/chronic illness that makes you suffer every freaking day, then wouldn't it be a better option to just terminate yourself before you succumb to the illness? I've heard that it hurts a lot when one succumbs to such illnesses. It's our lives. We should be given the right to end it however we see fit.

 

[noctiva]

@BlueWidow I have that same thing ahead of me tomorrow and I'm already exhausted thinking about it. I leave the house to go to work every day, but I hate shopping and having to restock my supplies. I haven't done groceries in 6 weeks, a friend of mine brought me some food 2 weeks ago because she was shocked how little I had at home. I had a date set for ctb which has passed and I'm still here. I'm very angry at myself I didn't go through with it, but I felt I really needed to be at work this week because otherwise I'm fucking up everyone's pre Christmas work season due to my absence. This week still, after that I can ctb when I'm ready. But no matter, I need to buy some food tomorrow. I literally have 2 digestive and choc cookies and 1 yogurt left. And if course things like ketchup, mustard etc. I also have rice. But the rice currently keeps my SN capsules dry, so that rice isn't going anywhere.

Be kind to yourself, you've done the shopping and saved the frozen and refigerated good, your job is done. Awesomely done! The rest you can do some other time. Take care of yourself. <3

 

[not4us]

I clambered out of this state but it wasn't worth it, life is shit anyway. I missed a good moment for ctb cuz ma family didn't like me much then. Now they love me again cuz I'm up and running. I am a good horse again!

 

[BlueWidow]

Been that way for 11 yrs now. Some days, the journey from bed to chair is a epic adventure that leaves me knackered. Thankfully, some bright spark invented internet shopping and mine is delivered to the door. I just have to put it away.

Yes, I get sometimes get things delivered as well. Actually I usually get everything delivered, but I kind of wanted to go and pick out my own stuff because they don't always bring what I want. For things like fruit and so on, I don't trust them because they don't seem to check it to see if it's bruised or if it's a good piece of fruit or not. I've been delivered bananas before that were almost completely black. I think they save all the bad produce for the people that get deliveries or something. I've complained about it, but it continues to happen.
You sound exactly like me! I do the same thing. I go from the bed to the chair and back. That's usually about as far as I ever make it most days. 11 years. . . . that's an eternity! I've been having my issues off & on for the last 23 years since my thyroid issues started. It only started getting really worse about 10 years ago though. Then my husband got sick and I just basically had to struggle through. I didn't have any time to think of myself because his struggle was more serious than mine. He had multiple myeloma and I went through five years of cancer treatments, a bone marrow transplant, and all kinds of other horrific things with him. My issues never went away during that time, but I just had to struggle through as best as I could. Then I spent most of last year dealing with the aftermath of his death which was also exhausting. I basically had to move where I'm at now as quickly as possible before I collapsed. It was a living nightmare and the darkest point in my entire life. For the last year, I haven't really done much of anything except go from the bed to the chair and back and dream of the day I can get out of here. Recently, a lot of times I don't even bother to get dressed, brush my hair, or put in my contact lenses. I just feel more and more like I'm not connected with the rest of the world and I don't really care what happens to it or in it. We have all this political drama going on here in the United States that I'm so sick of I can't hardly stand it, and I used to be a really big political junkie. I was into all that stuff and I'd get all caught up in it, like it mattered. I'm just not interested in anything that I used to be interested in. I seem to mainly sit in my room and either watch the same TV shows over and over on my Roku or listen to the same songs over and over or surf the Internet.
I'm so ready to get out of here.
Thanks for responding.

Unfortunately, pro-life is a mainstream train of thought. Only a small amount of people, like SS members, could understand that some of us could only find salvation through death. If your current predicament has no hope of getting better, why bother? If you have a terminal/chronic illness that makes you suffer every freaking day, then wouldn't it be a better option to just terminate yourself before you succumb to the illness? I've heard that it hurts a lot when one succumbs to such illnesses. It's our lives. We should be given the right to end it however we see fit.

Yes, I have several illnesses that my doctors think are easily treated. They continue to throw pills and therapy at my depression. After all, it didn't work the first 8,999 times- but- hey, it might work the 9000th time!
My thyroid problem is the same way. They continue to raise the dose of medicine that I get, but I never feel any better. They constantly want me to go to the doctor to do a blood test to see what my current thyroid level is, like that matters. I've had doctors in the past tell me that my thyroid level, according to the blood test, was normal. But yet I still felt like shit and had all of the low thyroid symptoms. Therefore their test doesn't mean a damn thing to me! It's useless. I've been dealing with and trying to treat the depression for 38 years now and the thyroid problem for 32 years. If either of them were going to get better using the regular means of treatment, they would both be better by now! Yet they're not better, but the doctor still continue to do the same damn things over and over and recommend the same treatments over and over like this time it's going to be different! It just infuriates me!
They refuse to except that their treatments don't work on me. I wouldn't even be going to Dr's at all if it wasn't for my sister-in-law. She kept urging me for over a year to go, so I finally gave in, mainly to get her off my back. Now I'm stuck in this pattern again of going to the doctor, getting a blood test, going back to the doctor and having the medicine adjusted, getting another blood test, going back to the doctor and getting the medicine adjusted again, blah, blah, blah!!!!!
i've already told her that I'm doing this last blood test and then I'm not going back to the doctor again for at least six months. She's not aware of it yet, but I don't intend to be here in six months.

 

[CrushedHopes]

I'm so sorry to hear that you're suffering so much. So OP, when are you looking to CTB, and what would your method be?

 

[noctiva]

Then my husband got sick and I just basically had to struggle through. I didn't have any time to think of myself because his struggle was more serious than mine. (...) My issues never went away during that time, but I just had to struggle through as best as I could.

I'm very sorry to hear about your loss and your pain, but this part of your text actually made me smile. It's wonderful how much people can achieve and struggle through for true love. I don't know of anything else that can give people so much energy as the knowledge that their beloved needs them and needs the support. I hope you don't mind me saying that you and your husband sound like you were a wonderful couple and very good for each other.

 

[BlueWidow]

@BlueWidow I have that same thing ahead of me tomorrow and I'm already exhausted thinking about it. I leave the house to go to work every day, but I hate shopping and having to restock my supplies. I haven't done groceries in 6 weeks, a friend of mine brought me some food 2 weeks ago because she was shocked how little I had at home. I had a date set for ctb which has passed and I'm still here. I'm very angry at myself I didn't go through with it, but I felt I really needed to be at work this week because otherwise I'm fucking up everyone's pre Christmas work season due to my absence. This week still, after that I can ctb when I'm ready. But no matter, I need to buy some food tomorrow. I literally have 2 digestive and choc cookies and 1 yogurt left. And if course things like ketchup, mustard etc. I also have rice. But the rice currently keeps my SN capsules dry, so that rice isn't going anywhere.

Be kind to yourself, you've done the shopping and saved the frozen and refigerated good, your job is done. Awesomely done! The rest you can do some other time. Take care of yourself. <3

Thank you for your kind response.
Yes, I keep getting angry at myself for not doing it also, but I keep trying to remind myself that I'm trying to do something good here by sparing them all bad memories during the holidays. I don't know if it really makes any difference or not, but I'm hoping that my efforts are not completely in vain.

On one hand, suffering through another few weeks shouldn't make that much difference.

On the other hand, it kind of pisses me off because I'm only doing it for other people and they have no clue about it and I have no clue if they're going to appreciate it or not. I intend to include in my note that I did intend to do it this week, but I put it off basically to save them all from having to deal with my death over the holidays. Therefore I had to suffer through another horrific holiday season just to spare them. Another Christmas, another wedding anniversary, another New Year's Eve without my husband. Whether or not they'll appreciate that or not, I guess I'll never know cause I'll hopefully be dead. (i'm just smiling at the thought of being dead)
I wish you luck in your shopping trip tomorrow. Thanks again for your kind response.

I'm very sorry to hear about your loss and your pain, but this part of your text actually made me smile. It's wonderful how much people can achieve and struggle through for true love. I don't know of anything else that can give people so much energy as the knowledge that their beloved needs them and needs the support. I hope you don't mind me saying that you and your husband sound like you were a wonderful couple and very good for each other.

Thank you. Yes, he was a wonderful man. He was my rock and the only reason I kept going on. I don't have any kids or any family left on my side. They've all passed on. All that I have left is my sister-in-law and a couple of my husband's grandkids.
There are members of his family that I love dearly, which is part of the reason I'm waiting, but for the most part I never really felt like a part of their family. They were not the most welcoming people. I think they believed I only was there for his money (well his kids did anyway), which is entirely untrue. He was the center of my life and the smartest, kindest, funniest, hardest working, most generous and loving person I've ever known in my life. He was the best husband any woman could ever ask for. He made me feel like a queen.
Our relationship was like a fairytale and I still don't know how I got so incredibly lucky that we found each other. Except that the universe has enjoyed fucking with me for my entire life by giving me wonderful things and then taking them away and leaving me feeling like shit. First it took my mother away from me when I was three, then it took my sister who was like a second mother to me away when I was 13. Then I was left alone with a family that absolutely hated me and treated me like dirt. I had completely sworn off relationships of any kind when I met my husband, which makes our getting together even more of a miracle. He chased me for five years while I resisted him and tried to tell him that loving me was not a good idea because it was going to get him killed eventually. Everyone I love dies and I have to sit and watch. He persisted however, and we had 26 wonderful years together. I knew him for nearly half of my life. Of course, my life with him wasn't perfect, but it was a whole lot better than my life before I met him or since he passed away.
Absolutely every aspect of my life has been negatively altered by his absence. My health has gone downhill rapidly since his death two years ago, and I only see it going in one direction. Even if I could recover, I don't really see the point. Now that he's gone there's really nothing left for me in this world. I'm just ready to move on to whatever is next.
Thank you again for your kind response.

I'm so sorry to hear that you're suffering so much. So OP, when are you looking to CTB, and what would your method be?

At this point I'm planning to do it either in very late December, or most likely sometime in early to mid January. My method is SN.

My wedding anniversary is December 27th And I was thinking that would be an excellent time to do it. Or another member had mentioned that doing it on New Year's Eve might be a good idea because the hospitals are so busy than that, even if you were found, it might be harder for them to save you. Now, I don't intend to be found. I live alone and I don't really think anyone is going to find me. But New Year's Eve might still be a good time to do it. Lots of people die on New Year's Eve in accidents and other ways, so maybe it wouldn't be quite as bad- not like dying on or before Christmas. Or maybe I'm just deluding myself and it's not going to matter when I die because it's still going to upset people. IDK
I'm trying to choose the least traumatic time, but maybe there is no least traumatic time.

I clambered out of this state but it wasn't worth it, life is shit anyway. I missed a good moment for ctb cuz ma family didn't like me much then. Now they love me again cuz I'm up and running. I am a good horse again!

I understand. Now they can squeeze some more "value" out of you, and never mind how it affects you. Never mind if that's what you want or not, or if that's what makes you happy. It would be such a better world if we could all pursue things that brought us love and joy instead of having to work at jobs that we hate just so we can pay bills and buy things that we probably don't need in the first place. That's really all this life is about is being a worker and a consumer, earn the money and spend the money, keep the machine running. Whatever makes you happy or makes your life have meaning doesn't matter.
I think this is what my sister-in-law is trying to do to me. She's desperate to fix me so that she can help me find a job and build a new life without my husband (ie her brother) who passed away two years ago.
The problem with that is I don't want a new life. I liked my old life just fine and if I can't have that one, then I really don't want one at all. I moved to a new town last year mostly because this is where my husband's ashes are located, so it will be much easier for them to just call the cemetery and have them come and get me, cremate me, place me next to my husband, and be done with it. That's the real reason I moved here, not so I could start some new life in a new town.
I already have the the stone with my name and the date of my birth on it. All that remains is for them to put the date of my death, cremate me, and put me next to my husband. That's all I want is just to have my remains be put next to my husband. Then I will finally be at peace.

 

[noctiva]

Thank you for your kind reply and for sharing your story in such detail. It has touched me deeply and I cried at the thought of your loss and the pain you are in now. I have found myself reflected in quite a few passages. I've never experienced a deep love like yours, I've only caught a short glimpse of it in the last 2 years of my life. And I cannot deal with the loss of him, especially with his rejection now.
I know I can get over it and move on. I choose not to. You saying: The problem with that is I don't want a new life. I liked my old life just fine and if I can't have that one, then I really don't want one at all. It resonates with me completely. I know I can, but I don't want to. I know I will look for him in anyone I'd meet, which wouldn't be fair towards that person nor towards me. But living with the loss is not possible. Going forwards with the knowledge of what I've lost and cannot regain, that is not life, that is just physical survival. And surviving, after having lived so happily, is not bearable anymore.

I wish you all the best on your journey and hope that you will find peace at your husband's side. <3

 

[Roger]

My beloved wife died 14 months ago. I first kissed her on 20 October 1966, married her on 20 Feb 1967, and last kissed her on 8 September 2018. I cannot even begin to express my love for her.

Her headstone should be erected soon, and I have left space for my name to go on there too.

 

[CrushedHopes]

My beloved wife died 14 months ago. I first kissed her on 20 October 1966, married her on 20 Feb 1967, and last kissed her on 8 September 2018. I cannot even begin to express my love for her.

Her headstone should be erected soon, and I have left space for my name to go on there too.

Oh, wow. So your marriage with her lasted for more than 50 years. And it sounded like you loved her a lot, too. </3

How old are you, if you don't mind me asking?

 

[SuicidalSymphonies]

I know how you feel. It's not a picnic, it's hell. I'm very off balance, I bump into things and nearly fall over all the time. The floor/ground spins while I walk on it, so I'm afraid to go outside but I do it anyway because I love the outdoors.. It's just a nightmare. I'm the same when bringing groceries, sometimes just the frozen stuff goes in and forget the other things, I have to lay down. Vertigo and chronic lower back pain do not mix well with groceries or anything, really.

I'm sorry you're feeling so badly. If there was anything I could do to help you, I'd snap my fingers and it'd be yours. I hate so much to see the suffering of others not only because it's heartbreaking but it's relatable too and that's how we all wound up on this website. My love goes out to you. You are free to sleep and rest if need be. Those groceries won't be going anywhere. xx

 

[Roger]

Oh, wow. So your marriage with her lasted for more than 50 years. And it sounded like you loved her a lot, too. </3

How old are you, if you don't mind me asking?

72

 

[CrushedHopes]

72

How soon are you looking to exit?

 

[noctiva]

update @BlueWidow : I didn't go shopping today after all and I was just thinking about how you and your groceries are doing while having my yogurt and the last 3 digestive cookies (one was hiding yesterday when I did the cookie count! I didn't realize I had in fact three left, that was a nice surprise!). Tomorrow I have to go, otherwise I need to eat my SN-laced rice. I'll try my hardest to get some food tomorrow, wish me luck!
Take care of yourself! <3

 

[BlueWidow]

Thank you for your kind reply and for sharing your story in such detail. It has touched me deeply and I cried at the thought of your loss and the pain you are in now. I have found myself reflected in quite a few passages. I've never experienced a deep love like yours, I've only caught a short glimpse of it in the last 2 years of my life. And I cannot deal with the loss of him, especially with his rejection now.
I know I can get over it and move on. I choose not to. You saying: The problem with that is I don't want a new life. I liked my old life just fine and if I can't have that one, then I really don't want one at all. It resonates with me completely. I know I can, but I don't want to. I know I will look for him in anyone I'd meet, which wouldn't be fair towards that person nor towards me. But living with the loss is not possible. Going forwards with the knowledge of what I've lost and cannot regain, that is not life, that is just physical survival. And surviving, after having lived so happily, is not bearable anymore.

I wish you all the best on your journey and hope that you will find peace at your husband's side. <3

Thank you, I'm so sorry that you've experienced rejection, I've also experienced that in my life. I understand how painful it is.
Yes, I agree with you, I could also move on and try to get over my loss, if I wanted to, but I choose not to. It's just annoying to me that people think that that isn't a valid choice. The only choice they seem to think you have is to get over it and go on, no matter how devastating it is to your life.

You wrote, " I know I will look for him in anyone I'd meet, which wouldn't be fair towards that person nor towards me."

That's exactly how I feel. So far, I haven't had anyone trying to tell me I should go out and start dating again, but I have had people that tell me I shouldn't be wearing my wedding ring anymore. Even if I were to start dating, which I absolutely can't even imagine how I would do that, I know I would be doing the same thing. I would be looking for my husband in every person that I met. And you are right, it wouldn't be fair to them. I can't imagine it's much fun being in a relationship where you're constantly being compared to a person who passed away.
And just because other people are able to move on and put their lives together after a devastating loss, that doesn't mean it's the right thing for every person to do.
People always seem to want to put other people in categories and say, " so & so did it so why can't you do it?". Well good for so-and-so, I'm glad they were able to put their life back together and move on, but that doesn't mean that that's the right choice for me, or for you.
There's a relative of my sister-in-law and she lost her husband about eight years ago. When I first met her, she told me how difficult it was for her in the beginning, but how she pulled herself together and managed to make a life for herself after her husband's passing. For one thing she had a family. She had kids and grandkids to help her. I have no kids or grandkids. Every time I see her now and I mention my husband or how difficult it is, she quickly dismisses me and tells me how much stronger I am than she was and how she didn't even know how to balance a checkbook before her husband passed away, but now she's in charge of her own life. . . Blah blah blah. She recently came for a visit and my sister-in-law was trying to get me to come and spend time with them, but I kept refusing to go. I don't even want to be around this woman anymore because she's very dismissive of what I'm going through and she keeps comparing my situation to her situation when the only similarity is that we both had husbands who passed away. I always hate it when people say, "Well if I can do it you can do it", like everyone is the same and should do the same thing in every situation.

I also agree with you about how hard it is to go forward knowing what you've lost and can't regain. I sometimes wonder if I wouldn't have been better off if I had been successful in committing suicide when I was a teenager. Then I never would've met my husband and I wouldn't have known what it was like to have anyone around me who really loved me. Therefore, I wouldn't be experiencing the deep and profound loss that I am now. They claim it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, but I don't know if I agree with that or not. I go back-and-forth on it.

 

[BlueWidow]

update @BlueWidow : I didn't go shopping today after all and I was just thinking about how you and your groceries are doing while having my yogurt and the last 3 digestive cookies (one was hiding yesterday when I did the cookie count! I didn't realize I had in fact three left, that was a nice surprise!). Tomorrow I have to go, otherwise I need to eat my SN-laced rice. I'll try my hardest to get some food tomorrow, wish me luck!
Take care of yourself! <3

I'm glad to hear you got a slight reprieve. Good luck with your shopping trip tomorrow.
I finally got everything put away late yesterday evening. Then I had some stuff today that I bought to put in the freezer, but it had to be prepared before I put it in my deep freezer outside.
Of course, now the next problem arises. Now that I have this food- I have to cook it, which is another challenge. I do have a lot of convenience food and I eat that on the days when I'm so exhausted I can't hardly function at all, but I do try to take one or two mornings every once in a while when I have slightly more energy and cook a bunch of stuff in advance and put it in containers so that I can just pull it out and throw it in the microwave. I can't do that every week, but I try to do it every once in a while just so that I'm not constantly eating frozen dinners and soup out of a can.
I normally only eat once a day, in the evening. I have to take a large amount of ibuprofen in order to keep my knees from hurting when I'm trying to sleep, so I have to eat with that dose of medicine. That's usually the only time that I eat. The rest of the time I'm usually just eating hard candies like Jolly Ranchers and peppermints, or chocolate. I am a chocoholic. Anyway, I wish you luck in your shopping and let me know how it all turns out.

My beloved wife died 14 months ago. I first kissed her on 20 October 1966, married her on 20 Feb 1967, and last kissed her on 8 September 2018. I cannot even begin to express my love for her.

Her headstone should be erected soon, and I have left space for my name to go on there too.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm sure it's devastating to lose someone who's been in your life for such a long time. For me, it feels like a part of me has been cut off or taken away or something. There's something missing and I just can't get it back and it hurts like hell.
I don't know about you, but once they put my name on the headstone, it gave me some kind of relief because I knew where I was going to end up.

I first kissed her on 20 October 1966, married her on 20 Feb 1967, and last kissed her on 8 September 2018. I cannot even begin to express my love for her.

That is so sweet and heartfelt. I can tell that you loved her a lot. I'd like to tell you that I know how it feels. . . The extreme loss, the longing for the person you love who isn't there anymore. . . I can certainly relate to that, but I know everyone's grief is unique to them.

I hope you find peace and solace.

 

[mediocre]

My beloved wife died 14 months ago. I first kissed her on 20 October 1966, married her on 20 Feb 1967, and last kissed her on 8 September 2018. I cannot even begin to express my love for her.

Her headstone should be erected soon, and I have left space for my name to go on there too.

Wow 50+ years married, amazing.
I'm so sorry for your loss Roger.

 

[noctiva]

Thank you for your long replies @BlueWidow, I've read them repeatedly and your story really tucks on my heart strings. Additionally you have a wonderful way with words, you write so beautifully that you've repeatedly managed to make me cry. I'm sorry my reply is so short, my depression is currently very much slowing me down and exhausting me, so I'm not doing your beautiful posts any justice. I just wanted to let you know that your well-wishes about my shopping project were very much appreciated and I went to day and got food. I even bought a Christmas calendar. I was laughing on the bus, because I don't think I'll get to use it, my CTB day is before Christmas.
All the best wishes and be kind to yourself!

 

[BlueWidow]

I know how you feel. It's not a picnic, it's hell. I'm very off balance, I bump into things and nearly fall over all the time. The floor/ground spins while I walk on it, so I'm afraid to go outside but I do it anyway because I love the outdoors.. It's just a nightmare. I'm the same when bringing groceries, sometimes just the frozen stuff goes in and forget the other things, I have to lay down. Vertigo and chronic lower back pain do not mix well with groceries or anything, really.

I'm sorry you're feeling so badly. If there was anything I could do to help you, I'd snap my fingers and it'd be yours. I hate so much to see the suffering of others not only because it's heartbreaking but it's relatable too and that's how we all wound up on this website. My love goes out to you. You are free to sleep and rest if need be. Those groceries won't be going anywhere. xx

Thank you for your long replies @BlueWidow, I've read them repeatedly and your story really tucks on my heart strings. Additionally you have a wonderful way with words, you write so beautifully that you've repeatedly managed to make me cry. I'm sorry my reply is so short, my depression is currently very much slowing me down and exhausting me, so I'm not doing your beautiful posts any justice. I just wanted to let you know that your well-wishes about my shopping project were very much appreciated and I went to day and got food. I even bought a Christmas calendar. I was laughing on the bus, because I don't think I'll get to use it, my CTB day is before Christmas.
All the best wishes and be kind to yourself!

Thank you. I've had other people tell me that I should write a book, but I've just never gotten around to it. For a long time I wouldn't have been able to do it because all the people that would've been in it were still alive. There are still a few people who are alive, but most of them are gone now. However, at this point, I'm mainly focused on ctb as soon as I feel I can.
I completely understand about the depression slowing you down and making you exhausted. I have the same experience. No need to worry about the short posts. Actually I always worry that my posts are too long, but I have nobody to talk to, so sometimes I just ramble on about whatever comes into my head.
I'm glad you got your shopping trip done. Now we can both rest, hopefully.
I wish you good luck with ctb. I hope you find what you are searching for.

 

[LMLN]

I'm so sorry about your losses. I lost my husband of almost 25 years in march. He ctb by shotgun :(. I unfortunately understand your pain. We were together for almost 30 years. Since I was 16. I am so lost and dont know how I could possibly go on on without him. Every morning getting out of bed and going to work is physically and mentally painful. The depression is debilitating despite medication and therapy. It's so interesting that people say "just reach out for help and everything will be ok!". No that's not how it works. So much longing for him, guilt and regret. I feel just completely broken.
I have such guilt even posting here because I would never want to encourage or agree with someone to ctb. But i cannot say much with what I'm planning! It's a terrible place to be isn't it?
I can relate to what you are saying BlueWidow about not being able to imagine finding another husband. My husband treated me like a queen too. I was a princess! What we've lost is just devasting and too much to bear. Just know that i am thinking of you and i am suffering as well. I agree that the phrase "Better to have loved than to have never loved at all" is something I'm not so sure about. This pain is just indescribable. Although I'm hopeful that the love and care I gave my husband made some difference. Im sure it meant everything to your husband, the care and love you gave him. It sounds like you had great love for each other.
My husband had so much pain and many health problems. He hung on for sooo long I think for me. He used to tell his mother that I was the reason he had not ctb. :(
Anyway, I've gone on long enough. Take care. Know I'm thinking of you. I wish things could be better for us.