Discussion Excited about CTB?

[Raggas]

Is it normal to be excited about killing yourself? For me it is slightly exciting, to think of no more pain and unpleasantness from existence.

 

[Deandy0110]

Im totally the opposite ..im terrified of dying ..yet want it so much

 

[sweet17sour29]

I was excited until reading the recent thread on this forum retelling a failed SN attempt and now I am filled with worry.

 

[Superfluous]

I can understand your excitement. Personally, I wouldn't say I'm excited but I do feel pretty calm about it considering. I do still have another 2-3 weeks to go though, and I wouldn't be surprised if my feelings change as the time gets closer.

 

[Tortured_empath]

I would lie if I said that I'm not scared. At the same time I feel you my friend. Excitement and empowerment. No more sitting in the passenger seat while being dealt life's shitty hand. I am the master of my fate.

 

[littlelungs]

I wouldn't necessarily say I'm excited about it, because regardless of the amount of hell I've been through in life, I've had a long-time issue with being able to differentiate between a feeling of legitimate ambivalence, whether or not I'm in the middle of an "episode" that could severely cloud my judgement (and therefore mess with how successfully I could go through with my plans), and just plain old survival instinct.

With that said, though... at the core, I'm definitely at peace with it. And I've always taken a lot of comfort in the fact that I can just NOPE out of life whenever I honest-to-god can't take it anymore.

 

[Sooji95]

I'm kinda excited about it too. Especially if I the method is easy and painless. Thinking you won't be stressed anymore.

 

[RodgerThat]

It seems like it will be great fun. Ironically it will probably be the thing that makes me feel most alive.

 

[Escaper Boy]

I associate ctb with the feelings of "defeat", "hopelessness", and "tragedy". It's similar feeling to any bad ending that I encountered in fiction. I find it difficult to feel excited about it. Hopefully I can change my feelings into something lighter and more peaceful before I ctb.

 

[iwannaendme]

I'd say I'm excited if I knew that my method is 100% succesful and painless of course. But even tho, yes, I kinda feel much better knowing that it'll all is gonna be over soon. But a little bit scared what's after lol. I mean I don't believe in Hell or Heaven, but this shit world made me feel horrible about everything lmfao.

 

[tomz323]

Yes I am (provided I don't fail at ctb which I am nervous about). I'm ready to go to the next plane of existence, whatever that is. Which if I'm lucky (and I'm not) will be nothing.

 

[TAW122]

As someone who has thought and planned CTB in the past multiple times (never acted nor told anyone about it IRL - due to obvious reasons), I would say, yes I do get excited and even motivated at times because I know that I can control when I decide to leave, regardless of approval or permission. Having the ultimate control and being able to exit this shitty existence or not play society's bullshit (rigged) game is a a huge relief.

 

[Jen Erik]

I'm excited because the suffering will cease.

 

[AutumnEmbers]

I don't know if it's normal but I can certainly relate. I get a surge of excitement when I imagine my last moments after drinking N. I imagine feeling a huge sense of relief knowing that my suffering is about to be over. I don't know if I'll actually feel like that when the time comes though. I might just feel sad and afraid.

 

[Jolene40]

No

 

[KolechiaPurple]

I was very excited my first attempt(pills). I'm about to try partial hanging and now I'm 50/50. I think I was mostly excited the first attempt because I thought I would actually die but now its like, "Fuck, I might wake up again".

 

[tomz323]

I was very excited my first attempt(pills). I'm about to try partial hanging and now I'm 50/50. I think I was mostly excited the first attempt because I thought I would actually die but now its like, "Fuck, I might wake up again".

My nightmare

 

[Soul]

Does "very curious" count as excited?

 

[brbr]

No, I feel miserable. I'm a piece of shit that done nothing with my existence and will hurt my family. Tbh, there's nothing to be excited. At least I'll try to enjoy my lasts moments, but this is also difficult (especially when you don't have money lol) and I feel like shit for that too.

 

[Hush Sweet Charlotte]

I couldn't feel less happy about how things have turned out for me. My health seemed to be recovering and I was waiting for my life to begin. I'd been waiting a very long time. Not happy at all and scared at the ctb process. It would help if I didn't still think it's a beautiful world, but it is and I do.

 

[JoeFailure]

I couldn't feel less happy about how things have turned out for me. My health seemed to be recovering and I was waiting for my life to begin. I'd been waiting a very long time. Not happy at all and scared at the ctb process. It would help if I didn't still think it's a beautiful world, but it is and I do.

This is how I feel. It could've been a great life and there is some beauty in the world. But I'm broke and almost 35 years old, I don't think there's any coming back from that, no matter how hard I try. Every day is just filled with agonizing pain and shame.

Sometimes I envy the people here who say they don't have close family or friends. It would actually make it easier to just exist. But my family and friends don't even know I don't have money, I"m constantly hiding that.

I'm absolutely terrified about what's going to happen when I die. If there's some kind of punishment or obviously if something goes wrong. I keep wishing for some kind of miracle that's not coming, because I do think there is a lot I could've given to this life.

I hate that money is what makes the world go 'round, and that it's going to end up being the death of me.

 

[KolechiaPurple]

My nightmare

Its honestly not too bad imo. I woke up like I normally would before remembering I was supposed to be dead and then it was just crushing disappointment (and then being violently sick for a couple of days lol.) However that would change if you were found and taken to the hospital or whatever

 

[Worthless_nobody]

I'm not excited, I'm deeply saddened that my life turned out this way and all the horrible things that have brought me to this descision. I have tried and tried to improve my life to no avail so I am at peace with this descision even though it's sad for me. However it does bring me a sort of comfort to know that I'm in control of my life and I can decide when I go.

 

[Hush Sweet Charlotte]

This is how I feel. It could've been a great life and there is some beauty in the world. But I'm broke and almost 35 years old, I don't think there's any coming back from that, no matter how hard I try. Every day is just filled with agonizing pain and shame.

Sometimes I envy the people here who say they don't have close family or friends. It would actually make it easier to just exist. But my family and friends don't even know I don't have money, I"m constantly hiding that.

I'm absolutely terrified about what's going to happen when I die. If there's some kind of punishment or obviously if something goes wrong. I keep wishing for some kind of miracle that's not coming, because I do think there is a lot I could've given to this life.

I hate that money is what makes the world go 'round, and that it's going to end up being the death of me.

Can't you tell your family and friends about your money troubles? If they care I'm sure they'd be devastated if you ended your life for financial reasons.when they could have helped.

 

[deathenvoy]

I am excited to end my life. It weirdly feels life-giving. No more annoying reality.

 

[JoeFailure]

Can't you tell your family and friends about your money troubles? If they care I'm sure they'd be devastated if you ended your life for financial reasons.when they could have helped.

That's the complicated part. My family is middle class and my parents are retired but live modestly off it.

But I don't really have debt and I can pay my bills. It's not that, it's just I have absolutely nothing saved up and don't have a great career. Nobody can just give me that and I'm so far behind people my age it's unfathomable. I just never took all that seriously because of the sexual abuse that had happened and I thought I would be alone forever.

But now that things have been changing and I all of a sudden do find women sexually attractive for the first time in my life, I'm at square one. At almost 35 years old. I really think I could've been a great husband and father. I was just messed up, I didn't think like normal people think.

 

[Ivenocare]

At first, but after failed attempts, now I get anxious; afraid to fail again.

 

[Hush Sweet Charlotte]

That's the complicated part. My family is middle class and my parents are retired but live modestly off it.

But I don't really have debt and I can pay my bills. It's not that, it's just I have absolutely nothing saved up and don't have a great career. Nobody can just give me that and I'm so far behind people my age it's unfathomable. I just never took all that seriously because of the sexual abuse that had happened and I thought I would be alone forever.

But now that things have been changing and I all of a sudden do find women sexually attractive for the first time in my life, I'm at square one. At almost 35 years old. I really think I could've been a great husband and father. I was just messed up, I didn't think like normal people think.

But that's great you're feeling that way now and it feels like you don't need to be alone forever. After years of trauma can't you welcome that as a good thing? You're still definitely young enough to start anew, although I think you can at any age. I always find it more helpful to compare myself to people worse off than myself, not those I think are better off. Sadly now my illness levels are so dire, those worse off are being fed through a drip. It's all relative. Start your new life Joe :)

 

[JadedGray]

I'm not excited about the act of suicide itself, but I'm excited to leave this life and world behind.

 

[spanishguy22]

yes! i just got SN and im so exhausted from this depression that thinking I can do it whenevr i want now is so relieving. Im so eager to fuck off life already