Venting Everything's ruined.

[Alnilam]

Just three hours after I submitted my request for a credit card, it was declined. I thought I could borrow money from my parents to pay the minimum and just pretend I was buying clothes, but I can only ask for so much only 50$ and only once in a blue moon--the rest goes towards their savings. But now that plans been shot down. I don't know what to do now. I wanted my final moments to be comfortable and perfect--I wanted to buy myself a dress, a bow, new bedding, flowers, pillows for once and a teddybear to hug in my final moments. Nothing ever goes right, I can't do anything right, I can never win. I try to plan things out to the best of my ability and they always fail. It took so much just to muster the strength and courage to at least TRY to set something in motion to put an end to this suffering. I feel so numb and tired, I don't know what to do now. I'll have to find a way. I can't get a job because of my condition, I just feel like I'm going in circles. I have a source ready for everything I need, even the meto. I did all this research, prepping and planning only to be met with yet aother dead end. I just want to cry, but I feel so numb its like all my emotions have been muted. I just want to lay down and sleep. I hate this life, I can't even die in peace.

 

[makethepainstop]

Just three hours after I submitted my request for a credit card, it was declined. I thought I could borrow money from my parents to pay the minimum and just pretend I was buying clothes, but I can only ask for so much only 50$ and only once in a blue moon--the rest goes towards their savings. But now that plans been shot down. I don't know what to do now. I wanted my final moments to be comfortable and perfect--I wanted to buy myself a dress, a bow, new bedding, flowers, pillows for once and a teddybear to hug in my final moments. Nothing ever goes right, I can't do anything right, I can never win. I try to plan things out to the best of my ability and they always fail. It took so much just to muster the strength and courage to at least TRY to set something in motion to put an end to this suffering. I feel so numb and tired, I don't know what to do now. I'll have to find a way. I can't get a job because of my condition, I just feel like I'm going in circles. I have a source ready for everything I need, even the meto. I did all this research, prepping and planning only to be met with yet aother dead end. I just want to cry, but I feel so numb its like all my emotions have been muted. I just want to lay down and sleep. I hate this life, I can't even die in peace.

Sometimes leaving can cost more than staying. There will always be a tomorrow. Much love to you.

 

[almaranthine]

Your ideal to have the bed all made up, a nice dress, flowers, and a stuffed friend to hold onto just created the most wholesome yet desperately sad scene in my mind. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry fuck. If euthanasia was widely available and acceptable I imagine that's what a normal patient's room would look like... flowers from family and friends, soft blankets, cards wishing peace. It's a nice dream to have. I'm sorry you have these financial problems that are keeping you from accomplishing what you want.

 

[Alnilam]

Sometimes leaving can cost more than staying. There will always be a tomorrow. Much love to you.

I wanted to treat it like a sacred and special occasion, like a homecoming. I wanted to decorate myself and my surroundings so that as I depart I'll be surrounded by pretty things and comforts. I never indulged in these things before, I wanted to make it up to myself. Not only that but the meds are expensive too, the only thing that isn't expensive is the SN. I will look for another way tomorrow, for now I think I'll just rest. I could settle on accumulating the meds slowly as they're under 50$, its just collectively they round up to quite a bit. I'm mad at myself, I wish I had started preparing in the summer to have saved enough in time for the actual date I wanted to ctb. I just didn't have the courage to set things in motion till last month.

Your ideal to have the bed all made up, a nice dress, flowers, and a stuffed friend to hold onto just created the most wholesome yet desperately sad scene in my mind. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry fuck. If euthanasia was widely available and acceptable I imagine that's what a normal patient's room would look like... flowers from family and friends, soft blankets, cards wishing peace. It's a nice dream to have. I'm sorry you have these financial problems that are keeping you from accomplishing what you want.

It's alright, I'll try to find another way. I just can't stand staying in this room, in this body and in this house anymore. It has become maddening.

 

[makethepainstop]

I wanted to treat it like a sacred and special occasion, like a homecoming. I wanted to decorate myself and my surroundings so that as I depart I'll be surrounded by pretty things and comforts. I never indulged in these things before, I wanted to make it up to myself. Not only that but the meds are expensive too, the only thing that isn't expensive is the SN. I will look for another way tomorrow, for now I think I'll just rest. I could settle on accumulating the meds slowly as they're under 50$, its just collectively they round up to quite a bit. I'm mad at myself, I wish I had started preparing in the summer to have saved enough in time for the actual date I wanted to ctb. I just didn't have the courage to set things in motion till last month.

It's alright, I'll try to find another way. I just can't stand staying in this room, in this body and in this house anymore. It has become maddening.

Patience often has its own rewards, all plans should have flexibility.

 

[Finding Sirius]

I'm sorry it didn't work out the way you wanted. Your plan for your final moments sounded lovely, I hope you are able to find another way. Wishing you peace.

 

[FuneralCry]

Unfortunately in this life things just do seem to get worse and go wrong, causing more suffering to be experienced. There is nothing fair about this life in any way. I've always hated life. It sounds tiring what you are going through and I can imagine that it must had been so dreadful for things to had not gone to plan. I hope that you find what you are looking for.