Venting Everything's gone wrong

[gurosi]

Got recommended this site for venting so here I am. As title says, everything's gone wrong. My career is going nowhere because I'm too depressed and unwilling to do anything about it. I haven't even finished high school and I don't know how (and even if I want) to tackle that. My best friend did ctb and I miss him a ton. I'm not sure I like my girlfriend and I can't bring myself to tell her that, or that I miss my ex boyfriend a lot. Like a huge lot, and it only started recently. I think part of it is because we were a long distance relationship and I planned all the ways we could meet up at least every 3 months, or hopefully live together, but since both of us couldn't get a job it stayed as a mere fantasy. Ffw to now, I have a decent paying job and I could be living with him, if I didn't fuck up majorly. He hates me, and with good reason, since he thinks I cheated. I really can't deny the allegations since there's a bunch of complicated stuff and I don't think it would be possible to, if it even is. Anyway, life's not so bad, right? I have a job, a girlfriend.... But I don't want any of it. All the things I want are currently unavailable to me. No matter what I do I can't seem to understand that and I'm on an endless tantrum because I want to change things. On february I took a whole bunch of antidepressants and ended up hospitalized, and that finally got the attention of my family and friends that I needed. Thinking about doing it again because I don't know how to convey my thoughts in a healthier way. Pretty long rant huh? Worst thing is, I don't have the courage to ctb. I'm stubborn and my mind keeps telling me "yeah but what if it gets better doe" so..... Yeah, I dunno. I think that's the end of this vent. I hope anyone who reads it (or doesn't) has a good day.

 

[SoverignDreamer97]

Two things:

1. If you wish to ensure a binary outcome, then you must exercise patience and discipline, otherwise... you are not ready.

2. Suncha Ferriera from the Victus Group always said, "you cannot please everyone; control the things you can control, one step at a time," for whoever has, to them more will be given until they have it abundantly, but those that do not have, even what they think they have will be taken from them. (Matthew 13:12)

 

[certified_idiot]

My recommendation is to try recovery before ctbing. Things might get better, especially if the things that make you want to ctb are temporary. You can get a new job, or break up with your girlfriend (I wouldn't recommend getting back with your ex, though), or get your GED, even if it takes a couple of years.

If you've wanted to ctb for years and you don't improve with medication or therapy, that's when I'd consider it. That's also why I'm going to wait a few years to see if anything gets better. It probably won't, but maybe if I get a supportive group of friends and my disabilities don't progress as fast as I think they will, I'll have another option.

PS. Welcome to SaSu! We're not as scary as the media makes us out to be. There are people with shitty opinions, just like with any forum, but we're mostly just a bunch of people in similar unfortunate situations.

 

[DoomsdayCTB]

I read it all and just want to give you a big hug. I'm so sorry about your best friend. Have you considered grief counseling for it? Grief is a life-long "friend" unfortunately. And you sound soooo young. And honestly, right after high school, it really can get so much better. That period 18-21 could be really fun. Meet some people at college, even community college. Maybe work at restaurants to meet more people? You are so young so I won't encourage you to CTB, but this a period of innocence you still have... I swear emotions are so heightened at this time, but once you're in your late 20's- 30's you kinda laugh at how silly and fun it was.

 

[gurosi]

Two things:

1. If you wish to ensure a binary outcome, then you must exercise patience and discipline, otherwise... you are not ready.

2. Suncha Ferriera from the Victus Group always said, "you cannot please everyone; control the things you can control, one step at a time," for whoever has, to them more will be given until they have it abundantly, but those that do not have, even what they think they have will be taken from them. (Matthew 13:12)

Dunno what that means, but thanks for the advice and for reading my vent regardless.

My recommendation is to try recovery before ctbing. Things might get better, especially if the things that make you want to ctb are temporary. You can get a new job, or break up with your girlfriend (I wouldn't recommend getting back with your ex, though), or get your GED, even if it takes a couple of years.

If you've wanted to ctb for years and you don't improve with medication or therapy, that's when I'd consider it. That's also why I'm going to wait a few years to see if anything gets better. It probably won't, but maybe if I get a supportive group of friends and my disabilities don't progress as fast as I think they will, I'll have another option.

PS. Welcome to SaSu! We're not as scary as the media makes us out to be. There are people with shitty opinions, just like with any forum, but we're mostly just a bunch of people in similar unfortunate situations.

Oh! I should've started saying that I don't actively want to ctb, it's just that there's so many regrets on my life and not knowing how to fix things (or even If I could) makes me feel like utter shit. I know these things are temporary but still, atm the pain is very much real. I'll consider the advice on my ex's situation lol, tho he's pretty much in the same boat as me I think, so the idea of having someone who can relate emotionally with me is pretty appealing. Btw thanks for the warm welcome. I didn't think people would be so willing to lend an ear, give advice and be genuinely worried on this forum. I pictured it more as pure doom and gloom. Anyway, I hope you get supportive friends and that you have a bright future ahead of you. My DMs are open (i think? Dunno how this works) for it too :). PS: funny title, made me chuckle

I read it all and just want to give you a big hug. I'm so sorry about your best friend. Have you considered grief counseling for it? Grief is a life-long "friend" unfortunately. And you sound soooo young. And honestly, right after high school, it really can get so much better. That period 18-21 could be really fun. Meet some people at college, even community college. Maybe work at restaurants to meet more people? You are so young so I won't encourage you to CTB, but this a period of innocence you still have... I swear emotions are so heightened at this time, but once you're in your late 20's- 30's you kinda laugh at how silly and fun it was.

I actually haven't gotten the time to talk to my therapist about my friend and their passing's repercussions yet, because of work, but it's on my to-do list.
I wouldn't consider myself young, since I'm 22 (I know,,, it's not over and I'm not "old" but y'know what I mean haha). But yeah, life has some redeeming qualities. When I do spend time with friends I feel like living. Most people keep telling me that these emotions will pass but I've yet to see that. No plans on CTB yet, but I do wish it's just as you say and I will be laughing at this period of my life some years from now on. *Hugs*

 

[skiski_what]

Got recommended this site for venting so here I am. As title says, everything's gone wrong. My career is going nowhere because I'm too depressed and unwilling to do anything about it. I haven't even finished high school and I don't know how (and even if I want) to tackle that. My best friend did ctb and I miss him a ton. I'm not sure I like my girlfriend and I can't bring myself to tell her that, or that I miss my ex boyfriend a lot. Like a huge lot, and it only started recently. I think part of it is because we were a long distance relationship and I planned all the ways we could meet up at least every 3 months, or hopefully live together, but since both of us couldn't get a job it stayed as a mere fantasy. Ffw to now, I have a decent paying job and I could be living with him, if I didn't fuck up majorly. He hates me, and with good reason, since he thinks I cheated. I really can't deny the allegations since there's a bunch of complicated stuff and I don't think it would be possible to, if it even is. Anyway, life's not so bad, right? I have a job, a girlfriend.... But I don't want any of it. All the things I want are currently unavailable to me. No matter what I do I can't seem to understand that and I'm on an endless tantrum because I want to change things. On february I took a whole bunch of antidepressants and ended up hospitalized, and that finally got the attention of my family and friends that I needed. Thinking about doing it again because I don't know how to convey my thoughts in a healthier way. Pretty long rant huh? Worst thing is, I don't have the courage to ctb. I'm stubborn and my mind keeps telling me "yeah but what if it gets better doe" so..... Yeah, I dunno. I think that's the end of this vent. I hope anyone who reads it (or doesn't) has a good day.

Hey, I honestly hope it gets better for you. Having people you know ctb is rough. My earliest friend died in a car crash when we were about 14, and I still can't get over it either, especially because we were in a relationship. I understand that longing in wanting to see them again, even if just for a moment to talk. I'm slightly younger than you, but I have a near identical situation in terms of relationships, except I was on the other end of the stick. I won't go into the super specific details but I've always felt she cheated based on the receipts I had from numerous friends and chats I saw, which she kind of just labelled as "how she was with them." After all that though, we were able to make it work, she's improved herself, and we've been together for nearly three years now (long distance -> irl). So, even if it seems like there's a lot to work with, I honestly believe that you're right. Some things can get better, just be patient and take things one step at a time. Wish the best for you.

 

[gurosi]

Hey, I honestly hope it gets better for you. Having people you know ctb is rough. My earliest friend died in a car crash when we were about 14, and I still can't get over it either, especially because we were in a relationship. I understand that longing in wanting to see them again, even if just for a moment to talk. I'm slightly younger than you, but I have a near identical situation in terms of relationships, except I was on the other end of the stick. I won't go into the super specific details but I've always felt she cheated based on the receipts I had from numerous friends and chats I saw, which she kind of just labelled as "how she was with them." After all that though, we were able to make it work, she's improved herself, and we've been together for nearly three years now (long distance -> irl). So, even if it seems like there's a lot to work with, I honestly believe that you're right. Some things can get better, just be patient and take things one step at a time. Wish the best for you.

Thanks a lot for sharing this with me, I'm so sorry about your friend. Unfortunately (or not, depends on how you see it) it's not the first time a close friend of mine ctb. Regarding your relationship, that gives me some hope. I just hope he could let me explain why I didn't cheat, although I get why he doesn't want to, or just outright why he wouldn't believe me. Still tho, I'm somewhat hopeful that things will get better just as you said. Take care and again thank you for sharing that

 

[skiski_what]

Thanks a lot for sharing this with me, I'm so sorry about your friend. Unfortunately (or not, depends on how you see it) it's not the first time a close friend of mine ctb. Regarding your relationship, that gives me some hope. I just hope he could let me explain why I didn't cheat, although I get why he doesn't want to, or just outright why he wouldn't believe me. Still tho, I'm somewhat hopeful that things will get better just as you said. Take care and again thank you for sharing that

Good luck, it'll be tough but patience and communication is important. Just make sure he's willing to hear you out, don't force your story to be heard, and maybe even start by hearing what he has to think. Best of luck, sending hugs.