Everything is lost and I’m going to die poor forever.

[Mustkeyknow]

I know it's taboo to speak money in the US, I can only assume the same is true in the UK, but either way, I just need to get this off my chest.

As a third world country, all of our lives revolve around leaving this hell hole, either by academic achievements or work opportunities, or plain illegal immigration. It obviously gets harder as you get older and whoever's spewing "you are your own limits" is obviously privileged as fuck.

Now I'm just furious with myself because I had the chance, I had the chance to escape poverty but I blew it. By choosing the wrong career, by fucking it up in my twenties, and it just makes me rage seeing people do fine in life. Nothing against them, I know I'm supposed to be happy for them but it just feels like the whole world is against me.

I'm against myself. I ruined myself. I'm old enough to not be eligible for legal immigration. There's nothing here for me but shitty job prospects. I wanna cry but my meds won't let me. I had a job interview for a great position but you just know when you had a great interview and this wasn't it.

I don't want to die but I don't want to keep on living like this either. All my opportunities are gone. This is it. Mistake after mistake. I was supposed to go to college and I can't even afford that either. I'm going to be jobless soon.

My mom is getting older, my father can't take much longer of my shenanigans. I wish I had good news but all I have is bad news after bad news.

I just don't know how to realistically recover from this. It's impossible. It's not doable it's not going to happen.

My therapists and psychiatrists speak from a position of privilege they don't understand.

I'm not getting that job. I can feel it. I know they're not gonna call.

I can't do this anymore. I can taste the SN at times I swear the taste comes back to me at times. Suicide is so fucking sad and tragic. But what is the alternative?

I wish there was a God in heaven, but then again if there is, he probably doesn't care. No one does.

Please talk to me, don't just react to this post please say something...

 

[LosinIt20]

I feel your pain, I ask these same questions on a daily basis. Why the fuck doesn't God care? Why pray just to be ignored?? I wish there was another alternative to this shit. Seriously. I feel like you. There's no way past it through it or around it. Some of us are permanent sufferers. If you decide to ctb one day I just hope you find Peace . I know you need it, I won't tell you to be strong cause I hate when people tell me that, all I can say is this shit is temporary it'll all be over one day for good

 

[rt1989526]

What if you get the job? How will your life change?

 

[Mustkeyknow]

It would be a lifesaver. For my career, for my wellbeing, everything would fit right into place. It pays really well too. It would literally be a dream come true.

But I saw the eyes of the hiring manager, I just felt it in her eyes, she wasn't impressed. I almost begged for the job at the end of the interview, in the most diplomatic way possible.

I don't know, I need a miracle.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I don't know what to say, but I'm honoring your request to talk to you and not just react. It's probably that request that made me really feel the emotions you were expressing in your post.

I can't fix anything, but I have so much compassion for you.

Dreams of immigration reminded me of when I lived in Guatemala. I had several men hit on me in hopes of a green card in the States, but I had left the States and had no desire to go back, they needed to hit on travelers, not expats! I was once asked to give a presentation to folks there who wanted to move to the States, and answer their questions. I was so disillusioned with the States, and I know how Latino immigrants are treated, I didn't have the heart to shit on their dreams so I said no. Who know, perhaps they would be happy there. I know my perspective, but I've also met immigrants who had to work so hard, so many hours, for so little pay, that they didn't have the time to learn English and so were very limited in how many of the advantages they could experience. Without language skills, higher education, and money, they were easy to take advantage of. Usually the immigrants who had it best had higher education and skills, and had a community they could move into, like Sikhs who have enclaves in the US and Canada.

Anyhow, just babbling. I'm sincerely sorry for your hopelessness. I understand. It's difficult to have ability without opportunity, it's so frustrating and impotent feeling. I get exactly what you're saying about the platitudes spewed from a privileged position. Another one that irritates me is that we are our potential. Yeah, I get that. I could navel gaze on it for a long time. I've experienced how challenges reveal potential. But what I end up thinking about is how slaves had tons of potential but didn't have the opportunities to experience their potentials, and I think what a waste that is, that we all have this incredible potential yet so few have the privilege or any kind of conditions to experience it. How many more Beethovens or Michaelangelos or Einsteins could there have been and could there be right now in every country if we all had the same opportunities rather than just a few? It is so goddamned frustrating and sad. I don't talk about my situation, but I have so much incredible potential and I can't do shit with it. I will end up another anonymous person who had the capability to change the world or have powerful positive impacts, but who got fucked over and eaten up and in a very short amount of time, forgotten. You don't know me, this could sound like grandiosity, but it's not. I'm imperfect, I'm fallible, but I also got a lot of opportunities to see what I'm capable of, and then always hit walls or was hit by them. All that self-actualizing human potential bullshit is just another opiate for the masses in an updated package, where this time it's not about a religious god but the god within. I spent several years engaging with that god, just as in my youth I spent decades with the judeo-christian god in parochial school and church, such that I thought I was called into the ministry and many agreed. I finally realized in my mid twenties I didn't want to go to church anymore so I stopped and a couple years later I realized I didn't believe in that god. I've studied buddhism, I been new age, and at the end, all that effort, all that promise, and there still is no god without nor within, though it's still there within, but there is no such power, it's just a lovely high that doesn't translate to the mundane world and mundane existence, there is too much against me.

Okay, done dumping now. You wanted someone to talk to you, so I did. I'd send you a tissue if you could cry, and I'd hug you if I could.

 

[Mustkeyknow]

I don't know what to say, but I'm honoring your request to talk to you and not just react. It's probably that request that made me really feel the emotions you were expressing in your post.

I can't fix anything, but I have so much compassion for you.

Dreams of immigration reminded me of when I lived in Guatemala. I had several men hit on me in hopes of a green card in the States, but I had left the States and had no desire to go back, they needed to hit on travelers, not expats! I was once asked to give a presentation to folks there who wanted to move to the States, and answer their questions. I was so disillusioned with the States, and I know how Latino immigrants are treated, I didn't have the heart to shit on their dreams so I said no. Who know, perhaps they would be happy there. I know my perspective, but I've also met immigrants who had to work so hard, so many hours, for so little pay, that they didn't have the time to learn English and so were very limited in how many of the advantages they could experience. Without language skills, higher education, and money, they were easy to take advantage of. Usually the immigrants who had it best had higher education and skills, and had a community they could move into, like Sikhs who have enclaves in the US and Canada.

Anyhow, just babbling. I'm sincerely sorry for your hopelessness. I understand. It's difficult to have ability without opportunity, it's so frustrating and impotent feeling. I get exactly what you're saying about the platitudes spewed from a privileged position. Another one that irritates me is that we are our potential. Yeah, I get that. I could navel gaze on it for a long time. I've experienced how challenges reveal potential. But what I end up thinking about is how slaves had tons of potential but didn't have the opportunities to experience their potentials, and I think what a waste that is, that we all have this incredible potential yet so few have the privilege or any kind of conditions to experience it. How many more Beethovens or Michaelangelos or Einsteins could there have been and could there be right now in every country if we all had the same opportunities rather than just a few? It is so goddamned frustrating and sad. I don't talk about my situation, but I have so much incredible potential and I can't do shit with it. I will end up another anonymous person who had the capability to change the world or have powerful positive impacts, but who got fucked over and eaten up and in a very short amount of time, forgotten. You don't know me, this could sound like grandiosity, but it's not. I'm imperfect, I'm fallible, but I also got a lot of opportunities to see what I'm capable of, and then always hit walls or was hit by them. All that self-actualizing human potential bullshit is just another opiate for the masses in an updated package, where this time it's not about a religious god but the god within. I spent several years engaging with that god, just as in my youth I spent decades with the judeo-christian god in parochial school and church, such that I thought I was called into the ministry and many agreed. I finally realized in my mid twenties I didn't want to go to church anymore so I stopped and a couple years later I realized I didn't believe in that god. I've studied buddhism, I been new age, and at the end, all that effort, all that promise, and there still is no god without nor within, though it's still there within, but there is no such power, it's just a lovely high that doesn't translate to the mundane world and mundane existence, there is too much against me.

Okay, done dumping now. You wanted someone to talk to you, so I did. I'd send you a tissue if you could cry, and I'd hug you if I could.

This was beautifully written. Thank you, for speaking to me. Your comment truly touched my heart.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

You're very welcome. Thank you for asking, it gave me an opportunity to pour some things out.

I've been curious for a while, what does your username mean?

 

[Mustkeyknow]

You're very welcome. Thank you for asking, it gave me an opportunity to pour some things out.

I've been curious for a while, what does your username mean?

Oh its the way the Italian brand moschino sounds, I don't even know why I chose it as my username tbh, couldn't think of anything else at the moment lol.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Oh its the way the Italian brand moschino sounds, I don't even know why I chose it as my username tbh, couldn't think of anything else at the moment lol.

Thank you for telling me! I always see it as now instead of know and it drives me a little crazy. Maybe now (know) I'll be able to process it better.

 

[Jojo81]

I know it's taboo to speak money in the US, I can only assume the same is true in the UK, but either way, I just need to get this off my chest.

As a third world country, all of our lives revolve around leaving this hell hole, either by academic achievements or work opportunities, or plain illegal immigration. It obviously gets harder as you get older and whoever's spewing "you are your own limits" is obviously privileged as fuck.

Now I'm just furious with myself because I had the chance, I had the chance to escape poverty but I blew it. By choosing the wrong career, by fucking it up in my twenties, and it just makes me rage seeing people do fine in life. Nothing against them, I know I'm supposed to be happy for them but it just feels like the whole world is against me.

I'm against myself. I ruined myself. I'm old enough to not be eligible for legal immigration. There's nothing here for me but shitty job prospects. I wanna cry but my meds won't let me. I had a job interview for a great position but you just know when you had a great interview and this wasn't it.

I don't want to die but I don't want to keep on living like this either. All my opportunities are gone. This is it. Mistake after mistake. I was supposed to go to college and I can't even afford that either. I'm going to be jobless soon.

My mom is getting older, my father can't take much longer of my shenanigans. I wish I had good news but all I have is bad news after bad news.

I just don't know how to realistically recover from this. It's impossible. It's not doable it's not going to happen.

My therapists and psychiatrists speak from a position of privilege they don't understand.

I'm not getting that job. I can feel it. I know they're not gonna call.

I can't do this anymore. I can taste the SN at times I swear the taste comes back to me at times. Suicide is so fucking sad and tragic. But what is the alternative?

I wish there was a God in heaven, but then again if there is, he probably doesn't care. No one does.

Please talk to me, don't just react to this post please say something...

Man.. I am so much like you.. I had a great life.. I was over optimistic that it would continue... I made a big mistake during my manic phase.. Now am jobless and my skills are outdated.. I am unable to see my future like this.. My parents and my wife and daughter are dependent on me.. Am here completely depressed unable to find a job.. If I go, they all will be devastated... I should have known earlier that I am a stupid... If I had earlier realized this, I wouldn't have married... I am guilty of bringing my family to this position..

 

[ocd is bad]

I'm sorry that I don't have many constructive things to say. I understand how it feels when it feels like no one cares and the world is against you though. I hope you don't lose your job and I'm sorry it's so hard.

 

[Mustkeyknow]

Man.. I am so much like you.. I had a great life.. I was over optimistic that it would continue... I made a big mistake during my manic phase.. Now am jobless and my skills are outdated.. I am unable to see my future like this.. My parents and my wife and daughter are dependent on me.. Am here completely depressed unable to find a job.. If I go, they all will be devastated... I should have known earlier that I am a stupid... If I had earlier realized this, I wouldn't have married... I am guilty of bringing my family to this position..

I'm sorry. I wish I had something better to say except... I'm sorry. I really and I mean this sincerely hope that things work out for you. There's always learning new skills something which I'm still trying, but a huge part of me is like why bother

 

[CarbonMonoxide]

Thank you for this post @Mustkeyknow. I too had great opportunities to study in the past. I was smart, capable of pursuing just about any degree I wanted. Instead I squandered my youth drinking and enjoying a very immoral lifestyle. I'm now 35 years of age, struggling to find jobs in my IT business and just completely tired of life.

It's not that I hate life, neither do I blame others for my circumstances. It's that I know I could have done a lot better. This drives me crazy and makes me want to end it. I don't see myself surviving to the end of this crazy year. The only reason I haven't hanged myself yet is the shame of abandoning my family. It's now getting to the point where even that will not be enough to keep the noose from my neck.

I come from a third world country too. A decade ago I had a chance to immigrate legally to Finland. Some of my relatives succeeded and are now doing well over there. The only reason I never went was foolish pride and an irresponsible streak. I don't see my life getting better but maybe there's hope for you. As long as I'm still alive, I'm with you one hundred percent no matter what you decide to do.

 

[TheQ22]

Man.. I am so much like you.. I had a great life.. I was over optimistic that it would continue... I made a big mistake during my manic phase.. Now am jobless and my skills are outdated.. I am unable to see my future like this.. My parents and my wife and daughter are dependent on me.. Am here completely depressed unable to find a job.. If I go, they all will be devastated... I should have known earlier that I am a stupid... If I had earlier realized this, I wouldn't have married... I am guilty of bringing my family to this position..

Thank you for this post @Mustkeyknow. I too had great opportunities to study in the past. I was smart, capable of pursuing just about any degree I wanted. Instead I squandered my youth drinking and enjoying a very immoral lifestyle. I'm now 35 years of age, struggling to find jobs in my IT business and just completely tired of life.

It's not that I hate life, neither do I blame others for my circumstances. It's that I know I could have done a lot better. This drives me crazy and makes me want to end it. I don't see myself surviving to the end of this crazy year. The only reason I haven't hanged myself yet is the shame of abandoning my family. It's now getting to the point where even that will not be enough to keep the noose from my neck.

I come from a third world country too. A decade ago I had a chance to immigrate legally to Finland. Some of my relatives succeeded and are now doing well over there. The only reason I never went was foolish pride and an irresponsible streak. I don't see my life getting better but maybe there's hope for you. As long as I'm still alive, I'm with you one hundred percent no matter what you decide to do.

I know it's taboo to speak money in the US, I can only assume the same is true in the UK, but either way, I just need to get this off my chest.

As a third world country, all of our lives revolve around leaving this hell hole, either by academic achievements or work opportunities, or plain illegal immigration. It obviously gets harder as you get older and whoever's spewing "you are your own limits" is obviously privileged as fuck.

Now I'm just furious with myself because I had the chance, I had the chance to escape poverty but I blew it. By choosing the wrong career, by fucking it up in my twenties, and it just makes me rage seeing people do fine in life. Nothing against them, I know I'm supposed to be happy for them but it just feels like the whole world is against me.

I'm against myself. I ruined myself. I'm old enough to not be eligible for legal immigration. There's nothing here for me but shitty job prospects. I wanna cry but my meds won't let me. I had a job interview for a great position but you just know when you had a great interview and this wasn't it.

I don't want to die but I don't want to keep on living like this either. All my opportunities are gone. This is it. Mistake after mistake. I was supposed to go to college and I can't even afford that either. I'm going to be jobless soon.

My mom is getting older, my father can't take much longer of my shenanigans. I wish I had good news but all I have is bad news after bad news.

I just don't know how to realistically recover from this. It's impossible. It's not doable it's not going to happen.

My therapists and psychiatrists speak from a position of privilege they don't understand.

I'm not getting that job. I can feel it. I know they're not gonna call.

I can't do this anymore. I can taste the SN at times I swear the taste comes back to me at times. Suicide is so fucking sad and tragic. But what is the alternative?

I wish there was a God in heaven, but then again if there is, he probably doesn't care. No one does.

Please talk to me, don't just react to this post please say something...

All 3 of you, very similar stories and very similar to my story - squandered great opportunities, wasted my life, now old and outdated skills and trying to scratch out a living from my shitty "business".

It's very soul destroying, life becomes a long endless trudge.

 

[Morphosis]

Thank you for telling me! I always see it as now instead of know and it drives me a little crazy. Maybe now (know) I'll be able to process it better.

This just made me laugh out loud. "Must- keyk- NOW" certainly puts a different perspective on the name Sorry @Mustkeyknow not trying to go off-topic and also want to send you a hug
Thanks for the smile @GoodPersonEffed


Anyway your post really touched me as well @Mustkeyknow. Is there any possibility you're being too hard on yourself and you may have got the job after all?
I can certainly empathise with wasted opportunities in life, my heart goes out to you.