iloveyouihateyou
probably die before it hurts
- Oct 23, 2024
- 117
…but how about you think of ME and why i'm considering ending my life before you put yourself in the way of my problems?
in the extremely rare chance that i tell someone that i'm planning on killing myself soon it's always the same, understandable, yet selfish response of "but what am i gonna do after?" or "think of your family or your friends…" like i understand your fear for how your life will be affected by my death, i get it entirely and it's usually the first argument against ctb but god fucking damn i'm literally telling you why i'm considering ending MY ENTIRE EXISTENCE and all you can tell me is about other people…
what about what i'm feeling, every single day. every single morning every single night.. where are you during all of this, you're nowhere to be found and you don't even give a fuck about what i'm feeling until you know it's going to affect you. and even then you still don't fucking care about me the next day it's as if i never said anything at all it's as if i never fucking mattered to you to begin with.
do you think i haven't thought about everyone around me that i know i'm going to be leaving behind? everyday i'm in a power struggle with myself fighting against my mind trying to give myself the reason to keep going but i just fucking can't take it anymore, and that's the reason i reached out to you but all you can do is think about yourself and even then i understand why but how can you just talk about yourself and ignore me and everything i'm going through after expressing your so called "concern" for me.. why are you never around why are you gone the next day, why don't you ever check on me anymore why do you leave me when i trusted you, why do you blame me for feeling this way why do you victimize yourself over something that has nothing to do with you… just why why fucking why do you make everything about yourself. why do i need to be dead in the fucking ground before my real feelings matter to you?
obviously i'm thinking of a specific person when i wrote this but i think the most depressing part about trying to find help with your suicidal thoughts is that by reaching out for help to a trusted person, like everyone says to do, has an extremely high chance (in my experience) of pushing that trusted person away, and then they leave you, and ironically in trying to find help for your situation you end up fucking yourself even harder because you lost someone you cared about and trusted enough to even share the idea with.
i understand where they're coming from and i get it, it's hard to talk about suicide at all, it's an extremely difficult subject to talk about for most and i get that entirely but it's no surprise that more and more people are choosing to end their lives when reaching out to avoid ending yourself actually results in scenarios that make you want to die even more.
it's actually so fucking tragic when you think about it. you do what all the so called professionals say to do but it ends up ruining your life in ways you weren't expecting. i feel bad for everyone who's experienced what i have it's actually such a soul crushing experience, and a life ending one depending on how little hope you have left in your body.
i'm sorry if this all comes off as selfish or asshole sounding but i'm genuinely so frustrated and so fucking miserable with my experiences of trying to reach out to those closest to me, it's always ended up in alienation or invalidation, is it any wonder why people "never see the signs" is it that big of a surprise that people never say anything about what they're thinking and that people only find out when they're already dead? like this is exactly why because 9 times out of 10 sharing how you really feel just leads to people distancing themselves from you it just doesn't help when you're already holding onto the smallest of things to keep going in life. god i don't even know i think i'm just so unlucky or something lol…
but yeah that's about it.. if you read this all the way i really appreciate your time and i hope you can have a nice day today :D
in the extremely rare chance that i tell someone that i'm planning on killing myself soon it's always the same, understandable, yet selfish response of "but what am i gonna do after?" or "think of your family or your friends…" like i understand your fear for how your life will be affected by my death, i get it entirely and it's usually the first argument against ctb but god fucking damn i'm literally telling you why i'm considering ending MY ENTIRE EXISTENCE and all you can tell me is about other people…
what about what i'm feeling, every single day. every single morning every single night.. where are you during all of this, you're nowhere to be found and you don't even give a fuck about what i'm feeling until you know it's going to affect you. and even then you still don't fucking care about me the next day it's as if i never said anything at all it's as if i never fucking mattered to you to begin with.
do you think i haven't thought about everyone around me that i know i'm going to be leaving behind? everyday i'm in a power struggle with myself fighting against my mind trying to give myself the reason to keep going but i just fucking can't take it anymore, and that's the reason i reached out to you but all you can do is think about yourself and even then i understand why but how can you just talk about yourself and ignore me and everything i'm going through after expressing your so called "concern" for me.. why are you never around why are you gone the next day, why don't you ever check on me anymore why do you leave me when i trusted you, why do you blame me for feeling this way why do you victimize yourself over something that has nothing to do with you… just why why fucking why do you make everything about yourself. why do i need to be dead in the fucking ground before my real feelings matter to you?
obviously i'm thinking of a specific person when i wrote this but i think the most depressing part about trying to find help with your suicidal thoughts is that by reaching out for help to a trusted person, like everyone says to do, has an extremely high chance (in my experience) of pushing that trusted person away, and then they leave you, and ironically in trying to find help for your situation you end up fucking yourself even harder because you lost someone you cared about and trusted enough to even share the idea with.
i understand where they're coming from and i get it, it's hard to talk about suicide at all, it's an extremely difficult subject to talk about for most and i get that entirely but it's no surprise that more and more people are choosing to end their lives when reaching out to avoid ending yourself actually results in scenarios that make you want to die even more.
it's actually so fucking tragic when you think about it. you do what all the so called professionals say to do but it ends up ruining your life in ways you weren't expecting. i feel bad for everyone who's experienced what i have it's actually such a soul crushing experience, and a life ending one depending on how little hope you have left in your body.
i'm sorry if this all comes off as selfish or asshole sounding but i'm genuinely so frustrated and so fucking miserable with my experiences of trying to reach out to those closest to me, it's always ended up in alienation or invalidation, is it any wonder why people "never see the signs" is it that big of a surprise that people never say anything about what they're thinking and that people only find out when they're already dead? like this is exactly why because 9 times out of 10 sharing how you really feel just leads to people distancing themselves from you it just doesn't help when you're already holding onto the smallest of things to keep going in life. god i don't even know i think i'm just so unlucky or something lol…
but yeah that's about it.. if you read this all the way i really appreciate your time and i hope you can have a nice day today :D
