melancholymallory03
Do cats live nine lives ? Or do humans ⏰
- Feb 20, 2024
- 358
People say things like " move on " " let go" stop feeling like that.
Don't make a permanent solution " to a temporary problem "
I wish they could understand the agony and utter suffering I face all the time, mostly in silence. It's always my mom who's a superficial human telling me just to let go and move on, she can bandaid her problems and fill the voids with things I can't , me I always have an emptiness n in side me, it creates a hole, I've tried getting closure from my past I'm sure this is the first step to feeling better , problem is I can't get closure because I am not even able to access it , it's super complicated ..idk …. Even if I did have closure , I'm sure it wouldn't change much in the end. In the end the only way for me will be to ctb . I used to want to leave letters, now I do for arrangements , but I suppose I feel so unheard and gaslit by the entire world that I don't even have much to say , my letter wouldn't be very long I'd bet. I don't want to explain my story, or tell people what they could of done: it's useless , it's pointless.
I just want my items given to those in need, and other family members who want sentiments. I'm troubled by this because I want to leave a letter half of me, but I don't have much to say, I'm quite done with everyone in my personal life except like two people …… respectfully …. And I am strongly guessing these people would not even benefit from a letter. I always fear my siblings will grow to hate me or call me cowardly for taking the " easy " way out by ctb. I can't think about this misconstrued guilt , nothings promised and I'd rather me go before them. Maybe that's selfish. I'm just not sure why people can " move on" so easily , or how some of my " friends " say just let go …… it's not like I'm a grudge holder , my depression and impending doom about what happened just dosent fade . I can't get a grip on this anymore. I've searched for different avenues , I've tried many things. I no longer value therapy, I'm just not a good candidate for therapy. I've considered electric shocks but I don't want to make myself a zombie. I just want to forget what happened , and certain people , places and times. Kind of like that movie eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, if I could erase my memories perhaps I'd be able to overlook this cruel world until I meet my fate one day anyways, I always used to comfort myself when I was younger by reminding myself I'd die one day anyways , but do I rly wanna wait and let myself develop some random condition due to old age ? Or even worse , mutilate myself with a half assed attempt like when I just sit on my window ledge. There's a vacancy inside me, I try to express it but it seems ctb is the only way. In the next life I hope , if there is, I hope with every bit of faith that things don't turn out this way. I wish I was a stronger person.
I don't know how people just move on from things and " let go " , I wish I could so badly. Everything haunts me, and even if it didn't I'm sure this world would be enough …. I guess I would have had a better shot of making it though. I just wish I could get some closure before ctb. It would be my only wish on earth. I just wanna ask them why? Why me? Why did you do this to me? And did you ever even think about how it would have affected me? , sorry for the rant guys. Todays a long one
Don't make a permanent solution " to a temporary problem "
I wish they could understand the agony and utter suffering I face all the time, mostly in silence. It's always my mom who's a superficial human telling me just to let go and move on, she can bandaid her problems and fill the voids with things I can't , me I always have an emptiness n in side me, it creates a hole, I've tried getting closure from my past I'm sure this is the first step to feeling better , problem is I can't get closure because I am not even able to access it , it's super complicated ..idk …. Even if I did have closure , I'm sure it wouldn't change much in the end. In the end the only way for me will be to ctb . I used to want to leave letters, now I do for arrangements , but I suppose I feel so unheard and gaslit by the entire world that I don't even have much to say , my letter wouldn't be very long I'd bet. I don't want to explain my story, or tell people what they could of done: it's useless , it's pointless.
I just want my items given to those in need, and other family members who want sentiments. I'm troubled by this because I want to leave a letter half of me, but I don't have much to say, I'm quite done with everyone in my personal life except like two people …… respectfully …. And I am strongly guessing these people would not even benefit from a letter. I always fear my siblings will grow to hate me or call me cowardly for taking the " easy " way out by ctb. I can't think about this misconstrued guilt , nothings promised and I'd rather me go before them. Maybe that's selfish. I'm just not sure why people can " move on" so easily , or how some of my " friends " say just let go …… it's not like I'm a grudge holder , my depression and impending doom about what happened just dosent fade . I can't get a grip on this anymore. I've searched for different avenues , I've tried many things. I no longer value therapy, I'm just not a good candidate for therapy. I've considered electric shocks but I don't want to make myself a zombie. I just want to forget what happened , and certain people , places and times. Kind of like that movie eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, if I could erase my memories perhaps I'd be able to overlook this cruel world until I meet my fate one day anyways, I always used to comfort myself when I was younger by reminding myself I'd die one day anyways , but do I rly wanna wait and let myself develop some random condition due to old age ? Or even worse , mutilate myself with a half assed attempt like when I just sit on my window ledge. There's a vacancy inside me, I try to express it but it seems ctb is the only way. In the next life I hope , if there is, I hope with every bit of faith that things don't turn out this way. I wish I was a stronger person.
I don't know how people just move on from things and " let go " , I wish I could so badly. Everything haunts me, and even if it didn't I'm sure this world would be enough …. I guess I would have had a better shot of making it though. I just wish I could get some closure before ctb. It would be my only wish on earth. I just wanna ask them why? Why me? Why did you do this to me? And did you ever even think about how it would have affected me? , sorry for the rant guys. Todays a long one
