Everyday gets harder

[scratchinglemons]

I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I posted before about my boyfriend (now ex) and he just killed himself. He wrote me a letter apologizing and saying he wants me to get better and that he's sorry he did what he did, but I don't know what to do anymore. Everyday now is harder and harder. I want to slowly disappear from my friends, I want to go no contact eith my family, every day I think of dropping out and not finishing college and this stupid fucking major that I hate, I really just want to kill myself, but I feel like I'm too scared.
Like does nobody else really consider whats on the other side? Everything can be predicted but that, everything can have a possibility that has a higher chance but that. I'm so scared. I would be comfortable if there was nothing, but if there was nothing then there's no reason to live for someone's soul incase they're watching or whatever. I'm so sick and tired of all of this, I want to fucking kill myself, I can't even talk to a therapist because my insurance won't pay for it anymore and I need to save for tuition. Everything feels more and more stupid. I want to feel like someone needs me, needs me to be alive, but that won't fucking happen. It's honest to god like like I get attached too fast and when I realize someone might be getting tired I just disappear from them, and that they just move on from me. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I don't want to die yet but I so badly don't want to be alive. If I were to die by some accident, I wouldn't be upset. I feel likr everyday I'm alive out of spite to god, but if worst comes to worse, then I'll just kill myself at that point.

 

[Trav1989]

I suggest not cutting off your family but if your friends are toxic I see no harm with cutting them off. If you choose to CTB that is one thing but spending time with your family prior to that and leaving them an empathetic and loving note behind letting them know how much you appreciated them will give them some semblance of peace of mind.

I believe that expressing love and empathy are always paramount in this existence and to CTB with a heart bursting with love would allow for an easier passing.

I personally can't imagine being filled with hate in my last moments, that is not how I wish to spend them and I wouldn't wish such on anyone.

I have SN and most likely plan on using it and yes, I will leave a rather lengthy note behind and no, I have not minced the words I wrote in relation to those who hurt me and have made very sure to let them know that they are partly to blame for my decision to CTB but...

I also wrote many kind words to those who had been there for me and loved me even when I wasn't capable of loving myself, those who took the time to say more than the blanket statements such as "things will get better" and actually took the time to connect with me at a deep level.

I made certain to thank my parents for giving me a chance at life and even though I will be leaving this existence before they do I let them know that even though life was hard for me in many ways I appreciated them for the things they did for me, providing me warm meals, clothing me, comforting me prior to my first day at school, supporting me in many ways, guiding me away from things that would have made my life more difficult, etc.

Sure, they were/are not perfect but neither am I but I would never consider severing ties with them because I choose to CTB. If I require cutting off my parents to end things then maybe I would need to reevaluate my reasoning for my choice in the first place.

Making the decision to CTB should always be made with a level head and after looking at every possibility imaginable and then weighing the pros and cons.

Why do I desire to CTB? What caused it? Is there a way to solve it and if there is; is it worth the effort?

Even if you already have your mind set on CTB then I personally believe that you should still treat others with love and kindness up until your final moments and try to reconnect with those who are worth the effort. Visit your parents and go fishing with your dad over the morning, talk about fond memories over the afternoon, prepare dinner with your mom, give them both a big hug and slip a few $100's into their top dresser drawer while you use the restroom before telling them you love them and let them with a smile on your face.

I live alone so things may be different for me than they are for you.

Write a note over the next day with the good and the bad, place it in your pocket. Record a good hour long message saying your goodbyes and save it on your computer, flaws and all. Leave your phone at home or toss it somewhere.

My possible plan is as follows: I'm going to drive a good hour away, park my vehicle, walk another half hour, head out into the woods a few hours before dark, smoke a blunt, take a couple morphine.... Then just take in nature for a good couple of hours, I'll take a few zofran for nausea and drink a bit of tea with honey. Then once I find a nice spot I'll mix my SN and while it dissolves I'll smoke my last cigarette and think about all the good times, bad times, everything in between. Then I'll down my SN and just let the world disappear as I pass out looking at the stars one last time and within two hours I'll be gone.

By the time my body is found it'll likely be at least 8-12 hours at the earliest, if the animals get to it before then I just hope they enjoy cured meat lol! I guess you could at least say I used the SN for it's intended purpose in a roundabout way.

 

[Aura]

I think anyone who even considers CTB as an option takes consideration for what happens after. I really doubt anyone could just launch themselves into it without at least a thought towards what might await you next. When it all comes down to it no one really knows whats gonna happen, and as much as it might make it easier, or even harder if we knew what really happened, that isn't gonna change anytime soon at least in my eyes. If fear of whats next is whats holding you back I'd suggest trying to live whatever life you possibly think you can to its fullest. Hell maybe even make a bucket list and get a few things out of the way before you leave for good.

 

[peaches]

I tend to think that death is just like 1937. That year was here and I wasn't. I don't have and recollection of missing being here or and memory of discomfort.
Just an absence of being.