onlyusefulwhenused
Member
- Dec 25, 2024
- 7
More than half the week I feel suicidal. Something about me wants to be saved, so I end up telling someone friend, parent or lover…
To which I get the reaction of anger or just blatantly don't care at this point.
I hate the whole "I do not understand so that's why I act like that," crap. Or someone thinking I have the good life and I shouldn't be depressed. Thinking I can do it if I pray.
Honestly that's why I joined. I hate burdening people and the anger of those around me.
I have two children…sometimes I struggle, I just want to sleep forever. "Grow up…" or the woman with 4 kids and no mental issues saying "you can do it, have a great day!"
I have a disabled child who bites, hits and relies on me. It's stressful. He would be better off with (adoptive) dad, so would my youngest (biological dad). But I can't escape.
I wish I knew I would get worse…especially after having children. I felt pressured. My disabled child is from rape…but I had always wanted a child, but it seems like my rapist got what he wanted. To truly make me miserable while he lives his life.
I love my son…but I just feel like god wants me to suffer. I want to leave everyday. I cannot get anywhere. My life is lonely. I cannot find a job. My only solitude when the children are at school and husband is at work…
When my husband and children come home, I feel worse. My husband makes me unhappy but I feel like I'm gas lit constantly…but maybe it is rlly just me.
My hobbies are stupid to him. But he can talk all about his hobbies and activism he does. He doesn't understand why some days I can't get out of bed. Doesn't understand why I do not like going to family functions of his, when I feel like my in-laws hate me.
Doesn't think I should spend 100usd on my medication for my mental health.
I cannot take it when he yells. I say my kids would be better off only due to my in laws. He yells at our kids when he's overwhelmed (I have too but I do not cuss at them). Calls them shits or idiots, which both in-laws and I talked to him about…
He will ask me for sex and I just feel idk disgusted. I cannot even masturbate (tmi im sorry) because well "why can't you just have sex?" I can only do that when im alone without the kids in the house obvi.
I feel like I've caused my life to be this way. which I did. I want someone to love me. Help me escape. Even then, I don't feel like I can escape.
So it leads to the suicidal thoughts. Yet, I don't want my children to ever see me dead like that. It's all conflicting.
Only cutting seems to relieve my mental agony.
I cannot tell shrink or therapist about my suicidal thoughts…I'm never going back to a psych ward.
I'm sorry I seem everywhere. I'm tired and cannot sleep rn. All I do is think about this void I stare in to. Only 4 and a half hours until I can sleep…
To which I get the reaction of anger or just blatantly don't care at this point.
I hate the whole "I do not understand so that's why I act like that," crap. Or someone thinking I have the good life and I shouldn't be depressed. Thinking I can do it if I pray.
Honestly that's why I joined. I hate burdening people and the anger of those around me.
I have two children…sometimes I struggle, I just want to sleep forever. "Grow up…" or the woman with 4 kids and no mental issues saying "you can do it, have a great day!"
I have a disabled child who bites, hits and relies on me. It's stressful. He would be better off with (adoptive) dad, so would my youngest (biological dad). But I can't escape.
I wish I knew I would get worse…especially after having children. I felt pressured. My disabled child is from rape…but I had always wanted a child, but it seems like my rapist got what he wanted. To truly make me miserable while he lives his life.
I love my son…but I just feel like god wants me to suffer. I want to leave everyday. I cannot get anywhere. My life is lonely. I cannot find a job. My only solitude when the children are at school and husband is at work…
When my husband and children come home, I feel worse. My husband makes me unhappy but I feel like I'm gas lit constantly…but maybe it is rlly just me.
My hobbies are stupid to him. But he can talk all about his hobbies and activism he does. He doesn't understand why some days I can't get out of bed. Doesn't understand why I do not like going to family functions of his, when I feel like my in-laws hate me.
Doesn't think I should spend 100usd on my medication for my mental health.
I cannot take it when he yells. I say my kids would be better off only due to my in laws. He yells at our kids when he's overwhelmed (I have too but I do not cuss at them). Calls them shits or idiots, which both in-laws and I talked to him about…
He will ask me for sex and I just feel idk disgusted. I cannot even masturbate (tmi im sorry) because well "why can't you just have sex?" I can only do that when im alone without the kids in the house obvi.
I feel like I've caused my life to be this way. which I did. I want someone to love me. Help me escape. Even then, I don't feel like I can escape.
So it leads to the suicidal thoughts. Yet, I don't want my children to ever see me dead like that. It's all conflicting.
Only cutting seems to relieve my mental agony.
I cannot tell shrink or therapist about my suicidal thoughts…I'm never going back to a psych ward.
I'm sorry I seem everywhere. I'm tired and cannot sleep rn. All I do is think about this void I stare in to. Only 4 and a half hours until I can sleep…
