Every failed attempt chips away at the idea that I can actually ctb

[eternalmelancholy]

I am not sure how many times I can keep doing this. My most recent attempt with partial was a few days ago but I ended up backing out just moments before fading out.

I am starting to have doubts I can do this. SI keeps kicking in mid attempt. I have to get my next attempt right, it might be my last chance. I won't go into the details but my deadline is by end of Dec.

Please I need advice. Should I try one last desperate attempt at partial or should I move on to full suspension? Every failed attempt chips away at the idea that I can actually ctb. I am really desperate and need your advice. I have to get it right next time.

 

[wereqryan]

From what I've read, partial is very prone to failure. Very unreliable. Full suspension is better.

 

[Deleted member 8579]

«Je ne vis que parce qu'il est en mon pouvoir de mourir quand bon me semblera: sans l'idée du suicide, je me serais tué depuis toujours.»
- Cioran, Syllogismes de l'amertume

(I live only because it is in my power to die when I please: without the idea of suicide, I'd have killed myself right away.)

I used to think like this as well, and still try to some extent, until I chanced upon several first hand accounts from users of this website who were grimly determined to follow through with their plans of suicide, only for their attempts to be thwarted by that seemingly all-powerful survival instinct.
It is not dissimilar to the case of a man who calms himself with the certainty that he has enough money in the bank to get through difficult times, only to discover at the crucial moment that his bank account is empty.
I am afraid I cannot offer any advice. Needless to say, what you describe is my nightmare, or at least one of them. I try to take comfort in the thought that I always have the option to "die when I please", but with each passing day, I cannot help but feel more and more like a gambler who tells himself that he could always win back what he lost if he only tried, despite knowing full well that it is not true.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

From what I've read, partial is very prone to failure. Very unreliable. Full suspension is better.

That's the problem with partial, the ability to back out mid attempt. Not sure where to anchor myself for full suspension. Thinking about it is overwhelming me.

I am afraid I cannot offer any advice. Needless to say, what you describe is my nightmare, or at least one of them. I try to take comfort in the thought that I always have the option to "die when I please", but with each passing day, I cannot help but feel more and more like a gambler who tells himself that he could always win back what he lost if he only tried, despite knowing full well that it is not true.

I've been telling myself for 10 years that this is the year to finally ctb. Each year came and went yet I am still here. The gambler analogy is great but also frightening.

I know with each passing year and each failed attempt that it will continue to get harder to actually ctb. It is like conditioning yourself for failure. That is why I should have done it when I was a teenager when I was still impulsive and clueless. That is my biggest regret in life.

 

[wereqryan]

I know with each passing year and each failed attempt that it will continue to get harder to actually ctb. It is like conditioning yourself for failure.

Maybe you could try SN or N?

 

[eternalmelancholy]

Maybe you could try SN or N?

I've considered spending my rent money on N. But if I get scammed or can't ctb even with N, then I am truly fucked. SN does not look peaceful at all. I have a very sensitive stomach as is. At least with N you know it is peaceful.

Maybe all of these excuses are caused by SI. It is just so hard to kill yourself even when you know it is the right thing to do. My biggest fear is ending up old, bitter and alone because I kept pushing off ctb.

 

[wereqryan]

It is just so hard to kill yourself

Tell me about it.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

Tell me about it.

This is the worst hell imaginable. Knowing you are responsible for prolonging your own misery. Pro lifers have no idea the burden and shame we carry. Otherwise they would not try to prevent suicides.

 

[wereqryan]

This is the worst hell imaginable. Knowing you are responsible for prolonging your own misery. Pro lifers have no idea the burden and shame we carry. Otherwise they would not try to prevent suicides.

Everyone should be offered free euthanasia.

 

[TriggerHappy]

«Je ne vis que parce qu'il est en mon pouvoir de mourir quand bon me semblera: sans l'idée du suicide, je me serais tué depuis toujours.»
- Cioran, Syllogismes de l'amertume

(I live only because it is in my power to die when I please: without the idea of suicide, I'd have killed myself right away.)

I used to think like this as well, and still try to some extent, until I chanced upon several first hand accounts from users of this website who were grimly determined to follow through with their plans of suicide, only for their attempts to be thwarted by that seemingly all-powerful survival instinct.
It is not dissimilar to the case of a man who calms himself with the certainty that he has enough money in the bank to get through difficult times, only to discover at the crucial moment that his bank account is empty.
I am afraid I cannot offer any advice. Needless to say, what you describe is my nightmare, or at least one of them. I try to take comfort in the thought that I always have the option to "die when I please", but with each passing day, I cannot help but feel more and more like a gambler who tells himself that he could always win back what he lost if he only tried, despite knowing full well that it is not true.

Awesome post :: thanks :: loads to think about...
I struggle with even my si being unmanageable :: 0 to 1000 in 2 seconds,
but then I stall - revive (testing my lethal tolerance levels of H this week :: peacefully frustrating, my tolerance seems to high... im like a fucking disco Lazarus.)
I thought this'd b a planned / logical /organized journey into death. But its been anything but that. I get convinced I'm gonna do it, I get second thoughts about logistics of them finding my body in the veld ('wilderness') (or do I wanna do it a home? My dogs... ), and wandering what will happen (should I care?!) I should've done this long ago, when I was experimenting and had a lower tolerance and was less 'responsible'...
Leaving a final mess for my family to deal with.. ugh.
Hey, my life's never been planned /organized so I'm not surprised my death should be...
I am willing, almost able(waiting 4 SN), but am I the only one thats so all-over-the-place about this ??

 

[eternalmelancholy]

Everyone should be offered free euthanasia.

I hate how we are labelled as crazies for wanting to die. Or how we are cowards when ctb is the hardest thing you can do.

I get convinced I'm gonna do it, I get second thoughts about logistics of them finding my body in the veld ('wilderness') (or do I wanna do it a home? My dogs... ), and wandering what will happen (should I care?!) I should've done this long ago, when I was experimenting and had a lower tolerance and was less 'responsible'...

Same here. It is such a common story on here. Everyone wishes they could have ctb when they first had suicidal thoughts. I think this overthinking and over planning actually increases SI. Each failed attempt increases your self-doubt. That is why I am afraid of failing another attempt.

 

[darkwater]

full suspension

I managed to do it after 2 bottles of wine. Stupidly, you can swing and get back on the ground.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

I managed to do it after 2 bottles of wine. Stupidly, you can swing and get back on the ground.

Did you survive full suspension? That is nightmare fuel. I think I would be too traumatized to make another attempt after that. Knowing even full suspension can fail is something I don't want to think about.

The only thing that I've held onto these past 10 years is the hope that I can actually ctb. I don't know what would happen to me if it turns out I don't have it in me. I think if that happens I will have a complete mental breakdown knowing I will be trapped on this hell for possibly 50+ more years.

 

[darkwater]

Yes I went to the attic. I stood on a ladder and jumped. I started swinging in circles, got hold of the ladder and a roof beam and then tried to untie the knot for half an hour.

So when you do something like that always tie your hands.
And in the moment when you can't breathe you regret it
I was glad at first that it didn't work but today I wish I had died then.

 

[grungeCat]

I gave up on hanging in general. Partial is too difficult, no matter how hard I try I cannot block main neck artery. Instead I always ended up blocking neck veins so after a minute I felt like my head was about to explode. However the main reason I aborted every partial hanging attempt was that because of constant throat irritation I couldn't hold back vomitting.... Feeling as esophagus fills up with contents of the stomach which can't go up throat is unbearable.

And I am not enough corageous to try out full suspension.

 

[odradek]

I relate to this so much. I've backed out of partial too as well as other way dumber methods.

I tried to do full suspension myself and I couldn't literally kick the bucket, my SI was too strong. All of this is so difficult.

Now I have to sort of pick up the pieces of my life for the next little while which I'm not looking forward to. My plan is to get something easier for me to conceptualize like N or SN with the various medications that enable these methods.

My advice would be that. Try to get a method that is "easier" or less violent or is quicker in a sense. Bide your time until you can get there I know, easier said then done.

Although like you, I'm starting to feel I might be stuck here trapped by my SI. It's tough but I have a sort of goal in my mind and I don't know what else I can do at this point.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

I gave up on hanging in general. Partial is too difficult, no matter how hard I try I cannot block main neck artery. Instead I always ended up blocking neck veins so after a minute I felt like my head was about to explode.

And I am not enough corageous to try out full suspension.

My last attempt I think I figured out how to avoid the head exploding feeling. You need to go completely limp and try to support your entire weight on your neck. If you just try to lean into it half way it won't be enough to fully close the arteries. I started losing consciousness within seconds but I instantly started panicking and pull myself up.

Maybe full suspension is the superior method if you can find the right location. Not sure where to look for suitable trees that is secluded from public view.

I relate to this so much. I've backed out of partial too as well as other way dumber methods.

I tried to do full suspension myself and I couldn't literally kick the bucket, my SI was too strong. All of this is so difficult.

Although like you, I'm starting to feel I might be stuck here trapped by my SI. It's tough but I have a sort of goal in my mind and I don't know what else I can do at this point.

Man it sucks so much. I want to die so badly. I never felt this desperate before. It's getting to the point where the urges are intruding my thoughts every waking hour. I can't handle this torture. I know all I have to do is just let go and let it happen. I don't know why it is so hard. I don't know how people manage to pull off partial.

 

[rs929]

I think it this way. There ia a chance I might never be able to commit suicide. Because I don't want to, I'm not able to or don't know how to. That possibility exists. That's why I don't have any choice but to attempt recovery or at least live with the least possible suffering. Life is a Plan A or Plan B, but you have to work on it, unless you want to spend the rest of your life in the worst nightmare you could imagine: unable to commit suicide and suffering all day long

 

[fox_wannabe]

This is the worst hell imaginable. Knowing you are responsible for prolonging your own misery. Pro lifers have no idea the burden and shame we carry. Otherwise they would not try to prevent suicides.

I have failed so many times. I am i total despair at the moment. I failed at everything imaginable due to depression and learned hopelessness and I cannot end It because of my fucking family. When will i learn not to care about them.they do not live my life yet fear of hurting them prolongs my suffering greatly.

 

[supermario]

The post resonates with me so much. I'm afraid of living, but even more afraid of dying. It's the definition of being stuck being a rock and a hard place. It's the reason even though I know hope is minuscule that I will ever recover from my total hell of a life (OCD, panic attacks, self sabotaging etc), I'm refraining from doing anything that could make life WORSE for myself while I'm still alive. We have to plan for a Plan B and C and D living on earth while we try to work out how to ctb, if ever.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

The post resonates with me so much. I'm afraid of living, but even more afraid of dying. It's the definition of being stuck being a rock and a hard place. It's the reason even though I know hope is minuscule that I will ever recover from my total hell of a life (OCD, panic attacks, self sabotaging etc), I'm refraining from doing anything that could make life WORSE for myself while I'm still alive. We have to plan for a Plan B and C and D living on earth while we try to work out how to ctb, if ever.

I am glad you joined and hope you find this place as welcoming as I did. Yeah since you are stuck here for the moment, might as well make it as pleasant as possible.

Your CTB date could be next week or it could be 5 years from now. Planning contingencies is smart and something that I should have done myself.

 

[deleted442]

I tried to ctb yesterday by burning charcoal in a bbq grill until it was white hot. I brought it inside into a small enclosed bathroom, went in and sat in the shower cubicle waiting to die. I wore headphones and listened to music to distract myself.

For some reason I got up and left the bathroom, stumbled and then passed out. The headaches have subsided and I feel ok now so I think I got away with it. I was lucky I haven't caused further brain damage. Worsening of my mental health, as a result of CO poisoning, might manifest later I don't know? Anyway I failed this attempt.

I have tried partial hanging but survival instincts kicked in and I stopped myself.

 

[LeavingEarly]

I tried to ctb yesterday by burning charcoal in a bbq grill until it was white hot. I brought it inside into a small enclosed bathroom, went in and sat in the shower cubicle waiting to die. I wore headphones and listened to music to distract myself.

For some reason I got up and left the bathroom, stumbled and then passed out. The headaches have subsided and I feel ok now so I think I got away with it. I was lucky I haven't caused further brain damage. Worsening of my mental health, as a result of CO poisoning, might manifest later I don't know? Anyway I failed this attempt.

I have tried partial hanging but survival instincts kicked in and I stopped myself.

Why do you think you failed?