Venting Even watching the olympics is making me want to ctb

[lawlietsph]

This is going to be a long venting about multiple things, I'm sorry.

I am a female, 28 yrs old. I've wasted all my youth to nothing and I don't want to watch myself getting older and older. So right now I am watching the olympics and I just don't know why, but it gives me such a deep emotional pain in my body, I actually think i'm going insane. Yes, I envy all of those people. Please don't get me wrong, I admire them and of course they deserve all the success, but... At the same time I can't help but feeling how fucking unfair all the world is. I mean we never start with equal chances in life. Why is that only these handful of people get to experience something huge and awesome, and why the rest of us is struggling to even stay alive?
Yes, I've had some dreams about sports myself, I used to do horse riding, it was my absolute dream to succeed in the sport and achieve awesome things. I've got the spirit, the hard-working mindset, the strength... But the things I did not have were money, support, and living in a country where it could've been possible. Now I'm old, completely broken inside and outside, having no dreams or a will to even breathe. But I guess the same goes to everything - actors, singers, models, freakin influencers. Why? Why are we putting them on such a huge pedestal? Why isn't there any reward for working your ass off in retail, as a mother, etc..?
And yes, I am fully aware that we only see the good side of things, and they struggle too, and whatnot. But ffs, they have the money to do something about it, and most of the time I'm sure they just have to snap their fingers and a huge support group will appear in front of them. Meanwhile there's a little girl somewhere in a poor family, who could maybe win 30 olympic gold medals with her talent, but her parents are abusing her and she becomes an unemployed, suicidal "nobody", who's struggling through life until she can't take it anymore.

Why is it that the sun, the summer itself is making me want to die so so so bad? I wake up and the light is shining in my eyes. I can't believe I didn't die in my dreams. I should be dead, I can't bear this horrible pain and emptiness in my chest. I'm waiting for the dark, the night to give me some kind of temporary relief. So when the night falls, I don't sleep. I stay awake even when i'm sleepy because I want to enjoy that tiny piece of relief. But eventually I can't take it anymore, I close my eyes and I fall asleep. I wake up 2 seconds later to the brightest, warmest, most annoying summer day again. It starts all over again and somehow I push through the day - again- just to feel that tiny little relief at night. Is this really my life? Because I don't want it.

Another thing that has been bothering me so much is that recently another dude broke my heart and I feel like I can't cope with this anymore. He was using me for sexual stuff and then he stopped contacting me at all. Long story short, "he's not ready for a relationship", but he was okay with telling me all the things I've wanted to hear. When I fell in love, he left. But of course he didn't say it directly to my face, he just stopped texting me.
So I've got diagnosed with lyme disease exactly a week ago, and he wasn't there for me. I texted him with the intent of telling him about the diagnosis, but he acted like a complete jerk so I stayed silent.
I still decided to tell him on wednesday. He said "I'm very sorry it was unfair and I did hurt you, but i'm not ready for a relationship and I just hope you survive the disease. But I won't contact you again"
A knife in my heart.
I can't take this life anymore.

I have been on antidepressants and therapy in and out for at least 15 years now and it's never going to get better.
I've had a huuuuuge mental breakdown the other day and I was screaming and throwing things around the house, I was an asshole to my mother. I still live with my mother and eventho she was one of my biggest abusers in childhood, I hate myself for screaming at her. She used to beat the shit out of us -me and my sister-, but now she's just so weak, and I understand she was also a victim in the whole situation. I don't want to hurt her, and I feel horrible for screaming hurtful stuff at her.

I just want to die but I don't even have the balls to order my sn. To be honest I don't really have money to buy it so. I just don't know.
Maybe if it was winter, rainy, dark, cloudy, maybe then I would feel a little relief... But it's soooooooo so so so far away still. I just want to die and stop existing completely. Or swim in darkness and silence.
Yeah, watching the olympics makes me want to die.

 

[ms_beaverhousen]

Yep........

 

[Edouard]

It hurts so much to see how strong and graceful other people are. I've been weak and uncoordinated my whole life. It's so isolating and humiliating. I wish I could admire athletes for their skill and discipline, but I just feel sad and jealous that they get to live in a world I'll never belong to.

In fairness though, a lot of them probably have pretty hard lives. Training relentlessly from childhood, brutalised and sometimes abused by their parents and coaches, and all for a tiny shot at victory.

 

[wounded_warrior]

Try the Paralympics. I find it comforting when I see people who have overcome the worst possible circumstances and achieved success and happiness. It gives me a sliver of hope.

 

[lawlietsph]

It hurts so much to see how strong and graceful other people are. I've been weak and uncoordinated my whole life. It's so isolating and humiliating. I wish I could admire athletes for their skill and discipline, but I just feel sad and jealous that they get to live in a world I'll never belong to.

In fairness though, a lot of them probably have pretty hard lives. Training relentlessly from childhood, brutalised and sometimes abused by their parents and coaches, and all for a tiny shot at victory.

Exactly. They BELONG somewhere. I am extremely jealous too, even if I hate to admit it.

Why is it happening to them, and not me, not the rest of us? Why are we so alone in life, why don't we ever get the chance to prove our worth, talent, anything? And what if we have no talent at all? Why is this world built like this, just why why why why why?

good god, I am so alone. I am so sad and it hurts so much.

 

[Edouard]

I wish I had any answers. Sorry you're so sad

 

[sugarb]

This is going to be a long venting about multiple things, I'm sorry.

I am a female, 28 yrs old. I've wasted all my youth to nothing and I don't want to watch myself getting older and older. So right now I am watching the olympics and I just don't know why, but it gives me such a deep emotional pain in my body, I actually think i'm going insane. Yes, I envy all of those people. Please don't get me wrong, I admire them and of course they deserve all the success, but... At the same time I can't help but feeling how fucking unfair all the world is. I mean we never start with equal chances in life. Why is that only these handful of people get to experience something huge and awesome, and why the rest of us is struggling to even stay alive?
Yes, I've had some dreams about sports myself, I used to do horse riding, it was my absolute dream to succeed in the sport and achieve awesome things. I've got the spirit, the hard-working mindset, the strength... But the things I did not have were money, support, and living in a country where it could've been possible. Now I'm old, completely broken inside and outside, having no dreams or a will to even breathe. But I guess the same goes to everything - actors, singers, models, freakin influencers. Why? Why are we putting them on such a huge pedestal? Why isn't there any reward for working your ass off in retail, as a mother, etc..?
And yes, I am fully aware that we only see the good side of things, and they struggle too, and whatnot. But ffs, they have the money to do something about it, and most of the time I'm sure they just have to snap their fingers and a huge support group will appear in front of them. Meanwhile there's a little girl somewhere in a poor family, who could maybe win 30 olympic gold medals with her talent, but her parents are abusing her and she becomes an unemployed, suicidal "nobody", who's struggling through life until she can't take it anymore.

Why is it that the sun, the summer itself is making me want to die so so so bad? I wake up and the light is shining in my eyes. I can't believe I didn't die in my dreams. I should be dead, I can't bear this horrible pain and emptiness in my chest. I'm waiting for the dark, the night to give me some kind of temporary relief. So when the night falls, I don't sleep. I stay awake even when i'm sleepy because I want to enjoy that tiny piece of relief. But eventually I can't take it anymore, I close my eyes and I fall asleep. I wake up 2 seconds later to the brightest, warmest, most annoying summer day again. It starts all over again and somehow I push through the day - again- just to feel that tiny little relief at night. Is this really my life? Because I don't want it.

Another thing that has been bothering me so much is that recently another dude broke my heart and I feel like I can't cope with this anymore. He was using me for sexual stuff and then he stopped contacting me at all. Long story short, "he's not ready for a relationship", but he was okay with telling me all the things I've wanted to hear. When I fell in love, he left. But of course he didn't say it directly to my face, he just stopped texting me.
So I've got diagnosed with lyme disease exactly a week ago, and he wasn't there for me. I texted him with the intent of telling him about the diagnosis, but he acted like a complete jerk so I stayed silent.
I still decided to tell him on wednesday. He said "I'm very sorry it was unfair and I did hurt you, but i'm not ready for a relationship and I just hope you survive the disease. But I won't contact you again"
A knife in my heart.
I can't take this life anymore.

I have been on antidepressants and therapy in and out for at least 15 years now and it's never going to get better.
I've had a huuuuuge mental breakdown the other day and I was screaming and throwing things around the house, I was an asshole to my mother. I still live with my mother and eventho she was one of my biggest abusers in childhood, I hate myself for screaming at her. She used to beat the shit out of us -me and my sister-, but now she's just so weak, and I understand she was also a victim in the whole situation. I don't want to hurt her, and I feel horrible for screaming hurtful stuff at her.

I just want to die but I don't even have the balls to order my sn. To be honest I don't really have money to buy it so. I just don't know.
Maybe if it was winter, rainy, dark, cloudy, maybe then I would feel a little relief... But it's soooooooo so so so far away still. I just want to die and stop existing completely. Or swim in darkness and silence.
Yeah, watching the olympics makes me want to die.

that dude's an asshole. Sorry you're having a bad time of it :(

 

[Mäximum]

I also feel really sad and angry when I am watching the olympics because I also want to be admired and the best at something. I see 14 year olds competing and asking myself what went wrong in my life. I think I'm already too old to start but I want to get into 10m air rifle shooting because I saw the finals two days ago and fell in love with it. I know that I have the dedication and motivation but not the time or money. I am still in school learning shit I will never ever need in my life and a good rifle costs 2.5k upwards. Like you said: it's really, really, really unfair that everything comes down to how much money you have.

But I won't stop watching them because otherwise, I would be too bored at work. And I generally love watching sports.

 

[lawlietsph]

I also feel really sad and angry when I am watching the olympics because I also want to be admired and the best at something. I see 14 year olds competing and asking myself what went wrong in my life. I think I'm already too old to start but I want to get into 10m air rifle shooting because I saw the finals two days ago and fell in love with it. I know that I have the dedication and motivation but not the time or money. I am still in school learning shit I will never ever need in my life and a good rifle costs 2.5k upwards. Like you said: it's really, really, really unfair that everything comes down to how much money you have.

But I won't stop watching them because otherwise, I would be too bored at work. And I generally love watching sports.

Yes, it is extremely hurtful to see 16 year old people achieving something like this. I've watched gymnastics yesterday and all the girls are either younger or the same exact age as me. We've never started with equal chances in life, and therefore I don't understand why are we putting them on such high pedestals. But the same goes for every "celebrity" I think.
What can I -someone who was born in a poor country, in the smallest village far away from opportunities, with an abusive background and zero support - possibly do? I'm stuck here with no tools, left alone to figure out how this society works. I wish there was an adult who would've just took my hand as a 4 year old and took me somewhere with opportunities, like "here, you want to try some kind of sport? let's go and see if you like tennis, or horses, or how about the gym? Here, try them little sophia and let's see if you like it"
I've been such a sporty and athletic kiddo, fuck. I could've been soooooo much more. Someone with PURPOSE in life.
but no, here I am, still in the same little village, unemployed, sick, still in the same toxic environment, still alone to figure out everything. still hating the goddamn sunlight, still wanting to die every second I breathe. Why me? Why them? Why not me?

 

[F&Inside]

Olympics are wonderful.
I enjoy the Olympics very much and I am a faithful follower. I admire the athletes and their great preparation over the years as well.
Even if I did not have those opportunities in the past, I am very happy for them, for all those athletes, I get a good mood watching them and they get me emotional.

 

[ms_beaverhousen]

Olympics are wonderful.
I enjoy the Olympics very much and I am a faithful follower. I admire the athletes and their great preparation over the years as well.
Even if I did not have those opportunities in the past, I am very happy for them, for all those athletes, I get a good mood watching them and they get me emotional.

Did you miss the tone and entire point of this OP and comments?? or what is the point of your comment?

 

[F&Inside]

Did you miss the tone and entire point of this OP and comments?? or what is the point of your comment?

I think it's good to share different points of view.
Well, for example many people never had a good loving and caring family (unfortunately), among them some get angry, envious or they feel bad (because they never had it) when they see such a family, others are happy and moved when they see it even if life did not give it to them.

 

[ms_beaverhousen]

I think it's good to share different points of view.
Well, for example many people never had a good loving and caring family (unfortunately), among them some get angry, envious or they feel bad (because they never had it) when they see such a family, others are happy and moved when they see it even if life did not give it to them.

Thx for the reply

 

[lawlietsph]

Update: Now I'm even more pissed, just watched a whole bunch of videos about how athletes get free phones and a bunch of other stuff for free. But this is not what makes me mad.
What makes me mad is all the comments saying
"They deserve it!!! They've sacrificed their whole life to the sport! Wow amazing!!"

Fuck, doesn't everybody does the same on this goddamn planet? Doesn't you, and you, and me, and all of us do the exact same thing day by day? We work just as hard, in fact we work our asses off to make OTHERS successful, doesn't we work just as fucking hard to keep the house clean, the garden neat, doesn't we work our soul out to feed our children?
Yes we absolutely do.
Then what is this bullshit?
I am so sorry, I don't want to belittle their work, not in any way. But the same goes for every single celebrity. We work just as hard, yet we accept them getting luxury treatment, and we are okay with minimum income to stay alive. Why? Why?
I can't stand this level of inequity. I just cannot stand it.
Here I am, not getting BASIC healthcare, living day to day, not sure what my next meal is going to be, wearing a pair of shoes I have for 4 years now. My shoes are worn out, it has holes in it, I can't afford a new pair because I've spent all my money to save my dog and my cat, and by the way they both passed away.
Then I go on my phone to watch the olympics, and what do I see?
A guy crying in his Rolex, because he """"only""" won the silver medal.
It is not against them, I swear it's not. I don't hate anyone, I don't want to hurt anyone. But this society is killing my soul and my brain. It hurts physically to live in such inequity.

 

[happynot]

It's an industry as well...it doesn't have to do with the old greek Olympics it's ok to feel this way sometimes I do as well

 

[angrymermaid]

This is going to be a long venting about multiple things, I'm sorry.

I am a female, 28 yrs old. I've wasted all my youth to nothing and I don't want to watch myself getting older and older. So right now I am watching the olympics and I just don't know why, but it gives me such a deep emotional pain in my body, I actually think i'm going insane. Yes, I envy all of those people. Please don't get me wrong, I admire them and of course they deserve all the success, but... At the same time I can't help but feeling how fucking unfair all the world is. I mean we never start with equal chances in life. Why is that only these handful of people get to experience something huge and awesome, and why the rest of us is struggling to even stay alive?
Yes, I've had some dreams about sports myself, I used to do horse riding, it was my absolute dream to succeed in the sport and achieve awesome things. I've got the spirit, the hard-working mindset, the strength... But the things I did not have were money, support, and living in a country where it could've been possible. Now I'm old, completely broken inside and outside, having no dreams or a will to even breathe. But I guess the same goes to everything - actors, singers, models, freakin influencers. Why? Why are we putting them on such a huge pedestal? Why isn't there any reward for working your ass off in retail, as a mother, etc..?
And yes, I am fully aware that we only see the good side of things, and they struggle too, and whatnot. But ffs, they have the money to do something about it, and most of the time I'm sure they just have to snap their fingers and a huge support group will appear in front of them. Meanwhile there's a little girl somewhere in a poor family, who could maybe win 30 olympic gold medals with her talent, but her parents are abusing her and she becomes an unemployed, suicidal "nobody", who's struggling through life until she can't take it anymore.

Why is it that the sun, the summer itself is making me want to die so so so bad? I wake up and the light is shining in my eyes. I can't believe I didn't die in my dreams. I should be dead, I can't bear this horrible pain and emptiness in my chest. I'm waiting for the dark, the night to give me some kind of temporary relief. So when the night falls, I don't sleep. I stay awake even when i'm sleepy because I want to enjoy that tiny piece of relief. But eventually I can't take it anymore, I close my eyes and I fall asleep. I wake up 2 seconds later to the brightest, warmest, most annoying summer day again. It starts all over again and somehow I push through the day - again- just to feel that tiny little relief at night. Is this really my life? Because I don't want it.

Another thing that has been bothering me so much is that recently another dude broke my heart and I feel like I can't cope with this anymore. He was using me for sexual stuff and then he stopped contacting me at all. Long story short, "he's not ready for a relationship", but he was okay with telling me all the things I've wanted to hear. When I fell in love, he left. But of course he didn't say it directly to my face, he just stopped texting me.
So I've got diagnosed with lyme disease exactly a week ago, and he wasn't there for me. I texted him with the intent of telling him about the diagnosis, but he acted like a complete jerk so I stayed silent.
I still decided to tell him on wednesday. He said "I'm very sorry it was unfair and I did hurt you, but i'm not ready for a relationship and I just hope you survive the disease. But I won't contact you again"
A knife in my heart.
I can't take this life anymore.

I have been on antidepressants and therapy in and out for at least 15 years now and it's never going to get better.
I've had a huuuuuge mental breakdown the other day and I was screaming and throwing things around the house, I was an asshole to my mother. I still live with my mother and eventho she was one of my biggest abusers in childhood, I hate myself for screaming at her. She used to beat the shit out of us -me and my sister-, but now she's just so weak, and I understand she was also a victim in the whole situation. I don't want to hurt her, and I feel horrible for screaming hurtful stuff at her.

I just want to die but I don't even have the balls to order my sn. To be honest I don't really have money to buy it so. I just don't know.
Maybe if it was winter, rainy, dark, cloudy, maybe then I would feel a little relief... But it's soooooooo so so so far away still. I just want to die and stop existing completely. Or swim in darkness and silence.
Yeah, watching the olympics makes me want to die.

I'm so sorry you felt so much pain watching the Olympics. I'm grateful you shared this. I'd been avoiding the Olympics but today at a doctors appointment, they were on the TV in the waiting room (I wish they didn't put televisions in waiting rooms but that's a rant for a different time). I gotta tell you, I wept like a baby watching those anmazing athletes. Perhaps it was unlucky that the sport was running—I used to be a runner (certainly not Olympic level but still pretty good). However, in my 20s I developed physical health problems (including Lyme, and I'm so sorry to hear about your diagnosis) that have progressed enough to prevent me from doing most forms of exercise. I don't love much in this world, but I loved running. I loved being an athlete. I miss it so much, it made me feel free.
I'm so sorry for your broken heart. That guy…well, sometimes the trash takes itself out. But that doesn't make it any less painful or unfair to you. You deserve so much better.

Also, summer sucks. There, I said it. I've always hated summer. It feels like the sun is mocking me. Feels like there's extra pressure to go have fun and do things that I don't have the emotional or mental energy to do (or $$ as I've been struggling to find work I can do with my worsening health issues). I so relate to what you said!

I haven't had the balls or the funds to order SN or N yet either. I don't know. Maybe we need more time to get mentally prepared?

All I know is I will not be watching the Olympics again. Ugh. Who needs that shit??

And what a great question, why don't we praise people in difficult circumstances for making it to the end of the day? Or celebrate people for doing their job as a shop clerk, day in and day out? Can we have an award ceremony for single mothers please?? Their strength and perseverance makes an Oscar worthy acting performance look like nothing!

I often wish I could get a tiny bit of credit for staying alive despite the fact that my entire body hurts 24/7 and my mental health makes day to day living very difficult. Instead I'm usually written off as a crazy bitch, even by friends. They don't want to know how hard my life is because they'd have to accept the fact that they too could fall ill and develop chronic pain one day—I did nothing to bring it upon myself. Just had a bit of bad luck in my early 20s. So they tell me things like "you're so lucky, you have the day off!" When I tell them I'm unable to get out of bed because the pain is too severe for me to sit up or walk.

Again, thanks for sharing all this. I'm sorry the world is so cruel forcing you to withstand so much pain. I feel less alone having read about it, but I still wish you didn't have to live it.

PS I have to put a disclaimer that might make me sound like a dick—I mentioned health issues but I am not looking for health advice right now, though I do appreciate the thought behind it. I'm new here so I don't know if people give unsolicited advice, but I've received a lot of it in other spaces.
Thanks, all. Glad to be here.