Help Even Crisis text line abandons me lol

[madbananas]

I say ‘lol’ but I’m actually very upset. They seemed confused that I was suicidal but didn’t want to create a safety plan because for me, being alive isn’t safe. And also, safety plan isn’t even about me, it’s about covering their backsides.
Genuinely don’t even know why I bothered. I feel so stupid even contacting them because I’m “too complex” for that kind of service. I just wish I had someone with me physically who would give me a huge hug and tell me things will work out in my favour in the end.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Why isn't being alive safe?

 

[madbananas]

Why isn't being alive safe?

Because it feels like I have a monster living in my head, I also live with my monster mum and I have this screwed up attachment style which makes me not want to be around people but then I very rarely become attached to people who understand me. Then they leave or get told to leave (my most recent case) and I don’t split like a lot of people with BPD do I just grieve for years (not exaggerating). People tend to like me, I’m not one who gets extreme rage at others, but towards myself. But as much as I want to feel connected, I’m too anxious and also depressed to keep conversations for long. I’m a black and white thinker at times but mostly extremely philosophical with everything so my mind is always in overload. I’m never not thinking. Mindfulness is a rare thing I can do and even when I achieve mindfulness, I start experiencing the physical sensations which take me back to bad bad times.
And there’s literally no help for me available unless I go private which I can’t afford. I just need nothingness haha it’s all too much. Ideally I would want to love and be loved in return. I definitely do feel love, and I probably am loved in return but I don’t feel it unless I’m around them (joys of object permanence development issues lol).
I just wish resources allowed for me to have ongoing long term support and trauma specific therapy. But alas, It’s not looking promising.
Mental illness memes always cheer me up though for a bit. Laughter is probably my healthiest distraction. So will look them up on Instagram for the remainder of the night till I fall asleep

 

[12345]

I say ‘lol’ but I’m actually very upset. They seemed confused that I was suicidal but didn’t want to create a safety plan because for me, being alive isn’t safe. And also, safety plan isn’t even about me, it’s about covering their backsides.
Genuinely don’t even know why I bothered. I feel so stupid even contacting them because I’m “too complex” for that kind of service. I just wish I had someone with me physically who would give me a huge hug and tell me things will work out in my favour in the end.

Reminds me of my experience being in-patient. :( big hugs

 

[nothungryanymore]

Most people who contact them are "too complex" for their service. In my experience, they've been no better than using chat roulette or something (is that still a thing?). The couple times I've contacted them I've felt worse and more alone afterward.

 

[Antigonish]

Off topic, but kinda reminded me of something. I type in on pinterest 'I think I'm depressed' and this what I got...

 

[angelfeather]

I’ve never been offered a safety plan, even though my Gp and local Mental Health Services are aware I am planning to end my life. Maybe they don’t feel the need to help me as much because I’ve told them that. (I have been willing to engage in help) I was told to ring the crisis line if I was really distressed but was put off when I was told they would act if they felt I was in immediate danger so refuse to ring. Tbh I get more support on here...

 

[drwt]

I tried using their services 3 times and got disappointed every time. They barely listen and if you say too much complicated stuff it seems like they straight out ignore it and say the same stupid phrase they were taught to say "You must be suffering so much, I'm sorry, keep talking to us"
So unhelpful!!!
This forum is so much better to feel heard.

 

[nerve]

I used to use CTL a lot before I found SS and that gave me an outlet for my emotions. Like I knew full well they had nothing to offer me but when everyone's like "call these people and they will help" and you're desperate, you do silly things. It's the best a lot of mentally ill people can get and kept me from hurting myself a few times probably. I think as I've become more suicidal and given up on life more, the reflex to reach out for help has diminished.

I've had a few genuine moments of actual connection with crisis hotline volunteers at least. I didn't feel like I was just part of a conveyor belt that they'd follow the exact same protocol for. A few times I would ask someone from Crisis Text Line if they could please drop the script/flow chart for interacting with me and they're like "we have no script :^)" dude please!!!

Bob Filbin ’05 - Leveraging Data Science for the Crisis Text Line

Bob Filbin '05 uses data science to improve the service provided by the Crisis Text Line to vulnerable individuals in need of support.

news.colgate.edu

But perhaps the [...] most significant moment thus far came at the end of 2014 when Filbin discovered that 3 percent of CTL texters were using 34 percent of its time. Known as “circling texters,” these people rely on a crisis service as a replacement for therapy. Over the next six months, he helped find ways to identify them and move them on to services that could more effectively help them.

That "move them on to services that could more effectively help them" consists of resources and fact sheets and limiting the amount of contact users can have with the hotline. The first time I got that automated "we know you're going through a hard time and we're going to limit you to 45 minutes of contact every 48 hours" it felt like being dropped on my skull. Not even a like "call emergency services if you're in danger."

I really wonder who these services are for. If you have no choice to label and come up with special rules for your most needy users, maybe the system isn't working.