Nuclear Gandhi
Member
- May 11, 2020
- 55
Being suicidal and depressed again, I started reflecting at what ultimately causing this constant feeling of defeat and hopelessness. I looked back at recurring patterns and realized something - I was rarely living in reality, in the moment. I am always running away.
When you are a child, this behaviour is understandable. It's acceptable, to some degree. Daydreaming, what can be harmful? I remember spending hours in worlds created by my imagination and imaginations of my favourite authors. In my mind I was experiencing true emotions, I felt attached to my fantasies like one would get attached to real beings. I always was someone else, not me - being me seemed boring. I made bold choices and hard decision - all while lying in a bed, staring at the wall, dissociating from Now as much as I could. I was very happy.
What is acceptable for a child becomes unacceptable for a young adult. The world demands laborers with practical thinking, ready to take responsibility for their life choices. Yet here I am, hiding in my inner world, avoiding everything - people, possibilities, personal development - for a few hours of bliss of dissociation from reality, followed by crippling feeling of guilt and pain. I muffle it with drugs - they are best friends for an escapist. I muffle it with any form of media available. I isolate myself from all people I know. It feels good, but only for short period of time.
Why am I doing this to myself? Why would one sabotage their life so much? I started to analyse it as well, and the answer was simple - I am a coward. I am completely and utterly terrified of living. I am scared to make the smallest decisions, to express myself truthfully to other people, to accept that the only person through which I can experience life is me. My psyche developed a defense mechanism to stop this constant feeling of dread and, as any defense mechanism, it's very useful.
But it got out of my control, to the point that I am dreaming to finally escape life once and for all. I want to be at peace.
When you are a child, this behaviour is understandable. It's acceptable, to some degree. Daydreaming, what can be harmful? I remember spending hours in worlds created by my imagination and imaginations of my favourite authors. In my mind I was experiencing true emotions, I felt attached to my fantasies like one would get attached to real beings. I always was someone else, not me - being me seemed boring. I made bold choices and hard decision - all while lying in a bed, staring at the wall, dissociating from Now as much as I could. I was very happy.
What is acceptable for a child becomes unacceptable for a young adult. The world demands laborers with practical thinking, ready to take responsibility for their life choices. Yet here I am, hiding in my inner world, avoiding everything - people, possibilities, personal development - for a few hours of bliss of dissociation from reality, followed by crippling feeling of guilt and pain. I muffle it with drugs - they are best friends for an escapist. I muffle it with any form of media available. I isolate myself from all people I know. It feels good, but only for short period of time.
Why am I doing this to myself? Why would one sabotage their life so much? I started to analyse it as well, and the answer was simple - I am a coward. I am completely and utterly terrified of living. I am scared to make the smallest decisions, to express myself truthfully to other people, to accept that the only person through which I can experience life is me. My psyche developed a defense mechanism to stop this constant feeling of dread and, as any defense mechanism, it's very useful.
But it got out of my control, to the point that I am dreaming to finally escape life once and for all. I want to be at peace.
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