Venting Escape from the pain of reality (as long as it's possible, though not for long).

[AnderDethsky]

My whole irony is that in my quest to be completely willing to give up on life, I lost myself so much that I died inside long before I died physically, causing me to become unable to muster up for the last one.

The desire to die in my case arises mostly because of some higher goals, and the corresponding reasons. When I had grandiose goals for my life, and accordingly, the unattainability of them because of what I can not influence, it gave me mortal longing and frustration of the impossibility to realize myself as a full member of this fandom called Society. But if I become a little more down-to-earth, forget for a while about all the socialization, career, love, self-realization that I involuntarily have when planning a suicide (you know, it's probably "no extra big plans before death"), the very fuel for suicide recedes from me.

At the same time, neither my life nor the objective world obviously become more better: I still have the need to be heard, to be recognized, to be loved. And the fact that it all depends on something we have no power to control is still horrible and unimaginably agonizing. I would certainly have stopped all this much sooner, sooner and at any cost if I had not been able to one distraction.

I'm not sure if this is the norm of our psyche as I am, or if it's just my ADHD/Clip thinking brain (honestly, ldk the right definition for it), but no matter how shitty the world is, no matter how wild the rules are, no matter how evil cruel creatures inhabit it, - as long as I'm not directly in front of me, I don't have to worry about it all day long, lying wrapped in a thick blanket, with snacks and energy drinks, watching my endless 50 browser tabs, endless YouTube videos on an additional monitor and music in the background. As long as I don't go out to the store for a refill and see a cute 15 year old couple on the way, I can live with the idea that no one will ever show me such intimacy with the same exact sincerity, but that's only insofar as I can just archive it into one "clip" or "tab" for a while and as far as possible just avoid any arbitrary trigger that will open it.

Otherwise, I would have been much more determined to kill myself and would have done it five years earlier, if I had a whole picture of reality, and in front of my field of vision, no matter what I do, there would always be fuel for suicide, and only that, that I am not used to concentrating on something whole and all the pain and horror of thinking about the depravity of our nature can be mentally placed in a separate "clip" and pushed into the background if possible - gives me a very different level of depth of escapism than I used to think. And lastly, how can one not mention at last simply the highest form of escapism - sleep.

Though it delayed me from deciding to die, it also saved me from potential excruciating pain, if I had impulsively tried to kill myself at any cost, I could have just fallen and crashed, but survived, or burned my stomach by drinking some bleach, simply because the pain would have followed me everywhere, and even a horrible end would have been better for me than a horror without an end. Ultimately, reality is terrible because it is absolutely omnipresent, omnipresent, omnipresent. Which means the potential for any attempts I make to escape it are limited.

At some point, everything that makes me comfortable will stop. Even the goddamn scriptures, no matter how you feel about them, say that:

Matthew 13:12. ESV For to the one who has, more will be given, and he will have an abundance, but from the one who has not, even what he has will be taken away.

So, following a path like mine, there is always a very frightening uncertainty:

When will it become impossible to hide from reality?

When will this moment come when it will not be scary to die, but scary to live?

How will I define this moment, when this heartbeat is still acceptable for me, and all the others are not?

And how terrible should this moment be?


And this I tried to reveal more thought, as the feeling itself is very complex.

And I think it is more succinctly conveyed by one of the tracks, in honor of which I even made my own remix for my EP.

 

[InwardsPerfection]

I've been moved by your post in that many of the aspects you've mentioned also are part of my life. Despite any shared similarities and pains that do torture us in any aspects imaginable, suicide can be considered but one of the options one may choose.

The lack of any one thing does not follow up that having it will fill you in any way. I've come to realise that one needs their own self to suffice their own life. In spite of this opinion of mine, some and even I lack the means to lack something as such.
Wouldn't you be just as harrowed by the notion of being in a better position in life yet not being allowed to by your own circumstances?

Reality is terrible for me in that it's impartial, its impartiality ripping it of any subjective value. Nor does its objective values amount to much in lieu of the amount of everything versus the amount of nothing. One ought to consider the weight of everything else when addressing reality. It has been important to me to think all of this through, not that it really matters. The values of everything else can also be addressed in contrast to your own access to them, which can always be relative. Relative as in that you either do get to have something, or you do not.

And speaking of sleep, I've come to face the brunt of oversleeping. Whether one considers it to be a good thing or not, the delay it imposes not only on suicide but also on everything else has given me some insight as to its nature. But that is a matter we can only add adjectives to. I understand that you feel conflicted, and that's because sleep can seriously upset a person if it impedes their plans. Wouldn't everything be worse, though, if sleep wasn't a thing? More conscious moments where you spend thinking, more scenarios where you long for death, despite what others believe, I stick to the notion that sleep is a blessing, and maybe that is also the case to you, also.

I apologise if I've went on any tangents. Do tell on what you think of what I've said, and whether you respond is entirely up to you. I am open for an interesting discussion upon the nature of this stringent suffering and the fear of the future.