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Ki_Nam

Ki_Nam

Slow brain turdle
Mar 23, 2023
125
People are watching me. My online activities and the entire house I live in is being monitored. Everything I do, everything I say, they see and hear. I step outside and take a walk and in less than 5 minutes I'm followed, people are outside their home looking at me from the distance - it is midnight and it's quiet. I hear some laughter in the distance too.

I once went to a park nearby to try to retrieve something, and people were already waiting there for me. I see a black car with pitch black tinted windows shadowing me, and some other cars that I see repeatedly driving around the streets I walk, and another car parking in the distance and turning off their headlights, but they were facing towards where I sat in the park. And I see an individual in white hat waiting in the distance, "using" their phones, but clearly they were waiting around for something. This was late and night too and the park is usually empty. I see these white hat individuals elsewhere too, like across from my house for example. I see these same cars also parked at their own homes which aren't that far from my own.

There are several neighborhoods around that I believe know who I am and they suspect me of something. I don't know what. It is getting increasingly difficult for me to pull off. I need a good 20 to 40 minutes without interruption so I can ctb without fail.

I don't know what their deal is, but they go everywhere I go. One of them even insulted me long ago, shouting from outside. I get up from my bed and the person acknowledged that he can see me. "Yeah, you. I'm talking to you." something like that. I may be being gang-stalked by the neighborhood watch. I don't know.

I just wish these people would leave me alone so I can go about my business soon.
 
N

NoLoveNoHope

Mage
Mar 25, 2023
530
I don't know your situation but you might be going through psychosis you'd need to heavily look upon yourself to see if you are experiencing it or not. I think you should go to either the police and explain your situation or get yourself admitted into a psych if you have determined it's psychosis and you're not in any physical danger. Please be safe and take care of yourself.
 
Ki_Nam

Ki_Nam

Slow brain turdle
Mar 23, 2023
125
I decided to finally go for a morning walk around the neighborhood and several things happened. A slow moving car driving by, and wobbling over the lane since the driver was busy holding up his camera towards me. Another car suddenly speeding up besides me, and not even stopping at the stop sign. Mother and her kid staring at me with disgust. They even made a point that they went through my trash, and laid them along my walk path. Same guy jogging, passing me, despite the random routes I picked.

I was so paranoid that week, I went to the police station to turn myself in so they can investigate whatever I did wrong, and they looked at me with disgust too.
I don't know your situation but you might be going through psychosis you'd need to heavily look upon yourself to see if you are experiencing it or not. I think you should go to either the police and explain your situation or get yourself admitted into a psych if you have determined it's psychosis and you're not in any physical danger. Please be safe and take care of yourself.
But what if they are purposefully inducing the effect of psychosis to actually make me go insane? There are some people out there who wants me to go insane rather than ctb. Just to see me suffer for their own entertainment.

Anyways, I'm past the point of caring about them. I have to ctb soon. No matter what.
 
redbathingduck

redbathingduck

Student
Mar 20, 2023
146
I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through this. Is there anyone in your life that you still trust that you could talk to this about? They might be able to help you
 
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shinohara

shinohara

Member
Feb 26, 2023
39
sorry that's happening, sounds awful. I don't know if it helps but I have an understanding of what you're going through, it's stressful to feel like you're being watched and monitored. I hope it let's up soon
 
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FuneralCry

FuneralCry

She wished that she never existed...
Sep 24, 2020
33,379
That sounds so awful and tiring what you have to endure, it just proves that this world certainly is hell, the fact that you are trapped in a situation like that. But anyway I hope that you eventually find freedom from all the suffering.
 
ThisIsLife

ThisIsLife

Specialist
Feb 3, 2023
371
I experienced exactly that when I took LSD, I thought that everybody was talking about me and watching me.

Try mushrooms or DMT in reasonable amounts, better experience
 
Euthanza

Euthanza

Self Righteous Suicide
Jun 9, 2022
1,366
Do you feel the same way if you're among the crowds in the city center?
 
Ki_Nam

Ki_Nam

Slow brain turdle
Mar 23, 2023
125
Do you feel the same way if you're among the crowds in the city center?
No I don't. It's just a select few vehicles and individuals. Online and IRL. Though it's harder to determine who's who online.

sorry that's happening, sounds awful. I don't know if it helps but I have an understanding of what you're going through, it's stressful to feel like you're being watched and monitored. I hope it let's up soon
I don't think they will ever stop.

I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through this. Is there anyone in your life that you still trust that you could talk to this about? They might be able to help you
I can't trust anyone anymore. Even my family might be in on it. Which makes it easier for me to ctb. I may have to speed it up. This whole thing isn't really adding to my willingness to ctb, but it is adding a bit of pressure for me to do it quickly.
You have Paranoia for sure.
I experienced exactly that when I took LSD, I thought that everybody was talking about me and watching me.
I have been sober for a bit now, I think my mind is clear.
 
N

noname223

Angelic
Aug 18, 2020
4,268
People are watching me. My online activities and the entire house I live in is being monitored. Everything I do, everything I say, they see and hear. I step outside and take a walk and in less than 5 minutes I'm followed, people are outside their home looking at me from the distance - it is midnight and it's quiet. I hear some laughter in the distance too.

I once went to a park nearby to try to retrieve something, and people were already waiting there for me. I see a black car with pitch black tinted windows shadowing me, and some other cars that I see repeatedly driving around the streets I walk, and another car parking in the distance and turning off their headlights, but they were facing towards where I sat in the park. And I see an individual in white hat waiting in the distance, "using" their phones, but clearly they were waiting around for something. This was late and night too and the park is usually empty. I see these white hat individuals elsewhere too, like across from my house for example. I see these same cars also parked at their own homes which aren't that far from my own.

There are several neighborhoods around that I believe know who I am and they suspect me of something. I don't know what. It is getting increasingly difficult for me to pull off. I need a good 20 to 40 minutes without interruption so I can ctb without fail.

I don't know what their deal is, but they go everywhere I go. One of them even insulted me long ago, shouting from outside. I get up from my bed and the person acknowledged that he can see me. "Yeah, you. I'm talking to you." something like that. I may be being gang-stalked by the neighborhood watch. I don't know.

I just wish these people would leave me alone so I can go about my business soon.
I had psychosis two times. I know a lot of people with psychosis and it is pretty obvious you are in a psychotic episode. In an acute psychosis it is almost impossible to be self-aware. I think it would be good if you opened up to a professional. You probably don't feel psychotic. The reason behind that is that your thinking abilities are affected by this condition.

I can only agree to @NoLoveNoHope such an irreversible step of committing suicide should not be done while having a psychosis. The delusions and paranoia you describe is well know to me. Because I felt similarly during psychosis. For me the medication and advices of therapists helped me a lot. If you go to a clinic voluntarily you will have more freedom there. It would probably good to speak to someone in your family in order to receive the help you need.

You don't have to feel pressure to ctb. Try to calm down and relax. Try to sleep so that you can cool down. However in such a mental state often only antipsychotics can help you to see through your condition. Stay safe! You can still commit suicide in the future but you should not do it while being in such a crisis. For me the life quality increased in the longterm because I started to take the medication. You are probably quite overwhelmed by all the impressions you are perceiving that it pretty common in psychotic episodes. It must be pretty hard to cope with but the right medication can really help. you.

Hugs :)
 
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Ki_Nam

Ki_Nam

Slow brain turdle
Mar 23, 2023
125
Yesterday morning, my mom was driving me to go see a psychiatrist. Then I started seeing patterns again. This time it was too obvious and too real.

I had a real panic attack that I didn't know I had. My body was hyperventilating and everything was a blur. So I screamed at my mom to turn back, and ended up back home. Took some benadryl and went to sleep.

I don't want to live like this anymore. Confessing doesn't work, apologizing doesn't work, so I don't know what this community wants from me other than one and only path I see clearly, which is my death.

Everyone knows what I do, what I ate, what I watched etc.

I'm afraid my SN will be intercepted so I have opted for a painful but a sure way, which is stab through the axillary artery or the lung between the rib. I'm really really sorry.

I really am, for everything I did.
 
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N

noname223

Angelic
Aug 18, 2020
4,268
Yesterday morning, my mom was driving me to go see a psychiatrist. Then I started seeing patterns again. This time it was too obvious and too real.

I had a real panic attack that I didn't know I had. My body was hyperventilating and everything was a blur. So I screamed at my mom to turn back, and ended up back home. Took some benadryl and went to sleep.

I don't want to live like this anymore. Confessing doesn't work, apologizing doesn't work, so I don't know what this community wants from me other than one and only path I see clearly, which is my death.

Everyone knows what I do, what I ate, what I watched etc.

I'm afraid my SN will be intercepted so I have opted for a painful but a sure way, which is stab through the axillary artery or the lung between the rib. I'm really really sorry.

I really am, for everything I did.
I think an appoinment with your psychiatrist could help when you talk with him about the things that currently happen to you.
You describe a lot of mental distress like this panic attack. I am pretty sure your therapist could prescribe you a medication which could relieve your pain. I can fully understand how this torment must hurt you. But there are medication that can help you to ease the overwhelming feelings and emotions. Your current situation must feel pretty extreme.

I had similar experiences and the proper medication could help me to improve my life quality a lot.
 
Ki_Nam

Ki_Nam

Slow brain turdle
Mar 23, 2023
125
I think an appoinment with your psychiatrist could help when you talk with him about the things that currently happen to you.
You describe a lot of mental distress like this panic attack. I am pretty sure your therapist could prescribe you a medication which could relieve your pain. I can fully understand how this torment must hurt you. But there are medication that can help you to ease the overwhelming feelings and emotions. Your current situation must feel pretty extreme.

I had similar experiences and the proper medication could help me to improve my life quality a lot.
No I think I'm being deliberately targeted.

This is some sort of psyops against socially vulnerable (me) to try and drive me to the edge and artificially induce mental illness. This could be some sort of mass murderer breeding program. But I will die before I harm another human being let alone an animal.
 
Aisley

Aisley

Wizard
Mar 12, 2023
627
I had a friend go this way after a few years of meth use. She saw enemies everywhere. And I said no one is as interested in you as you think they are. They are all so incredibly self absorbed, that you aren't even on their radar. The pebble in their shoe is more real to them than the fact that you are breathing and thinking. Please try again for the psych appointment. Try as many times as it takes, or even just do drives that you both know will only be half way there. Like dry runs. A knife to the throat is an awful way to go, and will need more than one jab. A slippery shaky hand, stabbing blindly. Take control of this.
 
Ki_Nam

Ki_Nam

Slow brain turdle
Mar 23, 2023
125
I had a friend go this way after a few years of meth use. She saw enemies everywhere. And I said no one is as interested in you as you think they are. They are all so incredibly self absorbed, that you aren't even on their radar. The pebble in their shoe is more real to them than the fact that you are breathing and thinking. Please try again for the psych appointment. Try as many times as it takes, or even just do drives that you both know will only be half way there. Like dry runs. A knife to the throat is an awful way to go, and will need more than one jab. A slippery shaky hand, stabbing blindly. Take control of this.
I have never done meth in my life. But I see your point. Maybe I am just self absorbed. I tried stabbing myself yesterday and I couldn't do it. I'm a coward.
 
W

WorthlessCoward

Specialist
Mar 21, 2023
302
Do you live in Stepford or something
 
glitterypearls

glitterypearls

sing me to sleep
Mar 23, 2023
183
this seem like psychosis to me, please go and get PROFESSIONAL help. you aren't in the right of mind to make a big decision like CTB, when you get help for psychosis and you still want to CTB. we will be here to support you, I don't think anyone should entertain the idea of helping you with CTB while you are dealing with psychosis, it doesn't seem right to do.
 
Aisley

Aisley

Wizard
Mar 12, 2023
627
I have never done meth in my life. But I see your point. Maybe I am just self absorbed. I tried stabbing myself yesterday and I couldn't do it. I'm a coward.
I know you haven't done meth, I was just trying to explain the nature of her pshycosis. Or the origin of it, I suppose? Look, if you can't stab youself, IN THE FUCKING NECK, you are not a coward! Those two thoughts don't go together. And it doesn't have to be this way for you forever. The right meds, and you won't believe how easy it is to just breathe. I promise. Anybody here would say the same. Take care of your self. You don't get another self.
 
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Ki_Nam

Ki_Nam

Slow brain turdle
Mar 23, 2023
125
I wish they would just leave me alone. I've already made appointment with a psychiatrist and I'm planning to confess everything to them. I really don't think I have psychosis. I think they are pranking me or driving me to the edge, or induce psychosis.

What happens when a person without psychosis takes antipsycho medication????

Honestly I think this will continue forever no matter where I go, and I think even if I do see a psychiatrist and I do get better, it will still continue. By then I will really have no choice.
 
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N

noname223

Angelic
Aug 18, 2020
4,268
I wish they would just leave me alone. I've already made appointment with a psychiatrist and I'm planning to confess everything to them. I really don't think I have psychosis. I think they are pranking me or driving me to the edge, or induce psychosis.

What happens when a person without psychosis takes antipsycho medication????

Honestly I think this will continue forever no matter where I go, and I think even if I do see a psychiatrist and I do get better, it will still continue. By then I will really have no choice.
I am taking antipsychotic medication since some years and they improved my life quality a lot. Especially in the long run. First I was very hesitant and did not want to take them. I rebelled against it for more than 2 years and the time without them was hellish. Many mixed emotions, racing thoughts, mood swings, high anxiety similar to the things you described.

I think telling your psychiatrist is the right step. You describe many different symptoms and he will know what is best for you. When you will see him in real life he can probably give you the right diagnosis.
 
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