I'm an entrepreneur running a struggling company. We are in year 3. Our primary profit model became obsolete in the spring after 18 months of trying. That outcome was mere bad luck. I put all my savings into the company and bottomed out at the end of said inflection point. This is after a brain injury that changed my life, career path, and eroded developed long term financial stability a few years earlier. It's been an exhausting trip of rehab, acceptance, trying to rebuild, pushing myself, pushing myself, pushing myself. For the past 2+ years to save money I've lived well below the poverty line, stuck residing with relatives as I approach 40 in a toxic living environment. Where despite efforts and positive impact on the public, I'm chastised for being a failure and burden to family members. Every act of kindness or progress is dismissed while the smallest imperfections are magnified. Continuing to work 7 days/week wearing 8 hats to perform needed roles, with a mix of self sabotaging and coping through drinking daily. My health is awful. I don't care enough about me to change it.
Our group's mission is largely humanitarian and we are having a positive impact on others. There are moments related to it that feel good. We've also been lucky enough to have countless others invest their time and energy to the cause for free. Have become involved in longer term projects thanks to other influential figures joining us on projects that would take a year for completion. There are outside opportunities and discussions that have taken place about forming a partnership in a year however I've learned not to get too excited about things like this which haven't happened. My presence is needed for all of this. I feel responsible to follow through for my staff and others who've helped along the way. Do I want to do this? If things were to turn out positive and I could live an independent life, yes. The uncertainty about what to do, taking a painful path through life for a decade to reach goals and particularly difficult past 4+ years has added up. I'm burnt out.
Now I feel stuck with an obligation to follow through on promises for clients and colleagues. Those obligations continue to evolve over time. I've fantasized about suicide for most of life, have N, have pushed through for my mom who I want to spare the misery of having a child she deeply loves CTB. She's a great woman who doesn't deserve that pain. I have my own limits though in terms of what I can take. Had a few conversations at tough times gone differently i may have driven off with my N and never returned.
Are there any others out there in similar situations? Advice or input would certainly be appreciated but I'm also interested in hearing of shared experiences thatve contributed to others who are hyper focused on death as a relief from life. I know entrepreneurship is inherently difficult, highly correlated to mental health problems and suicide. It feels like the more I accomplish with this business (obviously not monetary right now) the more entangled I get to commitments towards kind people who need assistance or have earned my support. Yet I am sinking silently into my own abyss with every passing day and no clear end in sight.
Our group's mission is largely humanitarian and we are having a positive impact on others. There are moments related to it that feel good. We've also been lucky enough to have countless others invest their time and energy to the cause for free. Have become involved in longer term projects thanks to other influential figures joining us on projects that would take a year for completion. There are outside opportunities and discussions that have taken place about forming a partnership in a year however I've learned not to get too excited about things like this which haven't happened. My presence is needed for all of this. I feel responsible to follow through for my staff and others who've helped along the way. Do I want to do this? If things were to turn out positive and I could live an independent life, yes. The uncertainty about what to do, taking a painful path through life for a decade to reach goals and particularly difficult past 4+ years has added up. I'm burnt out.
Now I feel stuck with an obligation to follow through on promises for clients and colleagues. Those obligations continue to evolve over time. I've fantasized about suicide for most of life, have N, have pushed through for my mom who I want to spare the misery of having a child she deeply loves CTB. She's a great woman who doesn't deserve that pain. I have my own limits though in terms of what I can take. Had a few conversations at tough times gone differently i may have driven off with my N and never returned.
Are there any others out there in similar situations? Advice or input would certainly be appreciated but I'm also interested in hearing of shared experiences thatve contributed to others who are hyper focused on death as a relief from life. I know entrepreneurship is inherently difficult, highly correlated to mental health problems and suicide. It feels like the more I accomplish with this business (obviously not monetary right now) the more entangled I get to commitments towards kind people who need assistance or have earned my support. Yet I am sinking silently into my own abyss with every passing day and no clear end in sight.
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