Enough is enough

[Smokey8484]

I'm planning on ctb tonight or tomorrow night. I've booked myself into a hotel for 2 nights, and planning on a partial hanging. My only concern now is that I do everything right so that I am successful.

I've just had enough, enough of depression, mood swings, loneliness and lack of love in my life (any type of love, not just romantic). I am so tired of it all. I'm tired of trying therapies, treatments- you cannot do these things in a vacuum and expect them to help.
Family and friends are good but only on surface level. No one cares after that, and I include myself in that too.
Thank you to this forum, and for all those who have interacted with my few posts in the past. I wish you all peace and love.

 

[_Kaira_]

Safe journey wherever you end up. I'm sorry it came down to this decision.

 

[sadworld]

Safe travels! It sucks that this is the only way out...

 

[KleinerWolf]

Sorry that you are thinking of suicide.
Whatever happens take it easy.

If it doesn't feel right,
You know we are still here for you.

 

[-Focusedarkness-]

Whatever you decide I hope your happy. If you need to talk i'm here. I hope the future brings you happiness.

 

[Trayus]

I wish you all the best. If you have difficulties i recommend reading this post - the knowledge that this can help with succeeding gave me so much peace of mind

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...-si-for-partial-suspension.49222/#post-891470

 

[Smokey8484]

Thank you for your replies & support. I've just arrived at the hotel & plan to have a bath, some wine (and my sleeping tabs) and a sleep before my next steps. Will leave a note for my family & friends for what it's worth.If anything goes wrong (equipment failure or a miracle life change/finding a magic wand) I have time tomorrow to get what I need or reassess.

I cant say I'm happy with my decision but I feel relieved. I've suffocated my feelings and experiences to keep others happy since I was a small child. My adult life has involved working in healthcare caring for others. I hate the idea of causing any harm to anyone, but I hate who I have become even more. I hate being partially visible in this world, I'd rather just be gone.

Anytime I've felt severely suicidal before, I always told myself to give things another chance but I realise that was just delaying the inevitable Each time I wanted one more kiss, one more night out with friends, one more conversation with family, one more party or whatever but I dont want any of those things anymore and I've realised, it will never be the right time, so here I am. I want this hateful, bitter person I've become to be at peace.

 

[_Kaira_]

It surely does give a sense of peace and an ounce of control. Not intending to change your mind, but perhaps you should give it a little more time to revaluate if you're 100% ready to commit? Use this as more of a small getaway to relax? The feeling of approaching sweet release can be intoxicating. But who knows, a second chance may be around the corner.

Other than that. if you're sure, enjoy the rest of your time before you follow through

 

[Smokey8484]

Thanks for your reply, I appreciate it. I'm tired of hoping for second chances though, they never last unfortunately. I'm a teflon person lol.

 

[greebo6]

I'm planning on ctb tonight or tomorrow night. I've booked myself into a hotel for 2 nights, and planning on a partial hanging. My only concern now is that I do everything right so that I am successful.

I've just had enough, enough of depression, mood swings, loneliness and lack of love in my life (any type of love, not just romantic). I am so tired of it all. I'm tired of trying therapies, treatments- you cannot do these things in a vacuum and expect them to help.
Family and friends are good but only on surface level. No one cares after that, and I include myself in that too.
Thank you to this forum, and for all those who have interacted with my few posts in the past. I wish you all peace and love.

Good luck. I hope you find peace.

 

[Mr2005]

You sound like me. Still here after two years desperately hoping, preying there's some other solution but there isn't and if there was we're the last people that would know what it was. I'm desperately sorry because I don't want to do it either it just feels like there's no other choice. Even finding people you connect with can only go so far unless they have the answer and if they did they probably wouldn't be here

 

[Smokey8484]

I've felt suicidal on and off since I was 19 (am 36 now) and my biggest regret in life was not being successful in my first and most serious attempt back then.
My family and friends will be shocked and angry, and will call me selfish despite the fact that I've been depressed for so long. They all (well, mostly) know about it but its the thing we all dont discuss. I'm the one everyone turns to for help and advice, thats my role and to deviate from it makes everyone uncomfortable. I'm already invisible to most, so I may as well be a ghost I also feel I've lost the capacity to love those in my life, or be open to loving anyone else. This frightens me more than anything.
I'm going to sleep now, and tomorrow I will write my note ( I cant now as I go between angry outbursts and crying, and I'm not making much sense). What I wouldnt give for one last hug or kiss with someone but I'm not going to hold out this time.

I'm not going to be logging back in so best wishes to everyone, especially those of you kind enough to reply to my threads. Good night x

 

[ThrownAwayTom]

Wish you all the peace in the world Smokey. I hope whatever happens goes as smoothly as it can.

 

[LonelyNick]

I know it's not the same but I'm sending a virtual hug and kiss. No one should be so alone it alienates them. I hope you find peace.

 

[voyager]

Take care, Smokey. Can very much relate to postponing constantly to feel this or that just one more time, and usually it's not like how it once was but a poor substitute. An endless cycle. Hope all goes well and that you find the peace you seek.

 

[Hopeindeath!]

I wish you peace in whatever you decide.