ending it tonight

[zeroshark]

if not tonight, then tomorrow. i haven't made any of the preparations or finished any of the things i wanted to do but i don't care anymore. none of that shit matters. ive been practicing night night and i think i have it figured out. if i cant ctb tonight that way im going to walk in front of a freight tomorrow. i cant function like this any more.

i want to badly to not feel this way. im such a fucking mess. im terrified of this but i have no other options. i wish things were different.

 

[Mr2005]

Oh man tell me about it. Someone might be able to help you out of this somehow, I'm not convinced it's anyone here

 

[_Kaira_]

If you do decide to follow through with it, I hope you have a safe and pleasant journey in finding your peace.

 

[zeroshark]

im taking it very slow; laying here with the ratchet snug but not choking yet. using rolled up socks instead of cornhole bags as those were too large for my neck. im holding a stuffed animal listening to music from a kids movie because i have to die as i lived, a huge fucking pussy lmfao.

i feel fear and im fighting survival instinct but i feel peace too, knowing these feelings are temporary and i won't be here to experience them or the aftermath.

i got caught trying to ctb yesterday but i lied to the social worker and she sent me home; apparently having a ratchet strap in my room doesnt suggest premeditation. just reminded of this bc she just did the followup call and telling her im doing fine and dont need access to services while typing this post was absolutely hilarious to me for some reason. i dont really have any reason not to laugh about it, so why not?

 

[deletemyself]

Hope u find peace however it may be

 

[_Kaira_]

im taking it very slow; laying here with the ratchet snug but not choking yet. using rolled up socks instead of cornhole bags as those were too large for my neck. im holding a stuffed animal listening to music from a kids movie because i have to die as i lived, a huge fucking pussy lmfao.

i feel fear and im fighting survival instinct but i feel peace too, knowing these feelings are temporary and i won't be here to experience them or the aftermath.

i got caught trying to ctb yesterday but i lied to the social worker and she sent me home; apparently having a ratchet strap in my room doesnt suggest premeditation. just reminded of this bc she just did the followup call and telling her im doing fine and dont need access to services while typing this post was absolutely hilarious to me for some reason. i dont really have any reason not to laugh about it, so why not?

You're not a pussy for wanting to have comfort and happiness in your final moments. No one can argue otherwise.

 

[zeroshark]

people here are kinder than any medical staff or my family. im glad i found this place.

 

[Mr2005]

people here are kinder than any medical staff or my family. im glad i found this place.

What have they got to lose? Nothing. It's very easy to wish you luck and be done with it. Is that what you want? Doesn't sound it but you don't need me telling you not to either. You need someone to actually give you a reason not to and I don't know what that is

 

[iftheworldwasending]

hope you have a safe rest of your night and find peace. im here if you want someone to talk to. <333

 

[_Kaira_]

What have they got to lose? Nothing. It's very easy to wish you luck and be done with it. Is that what you want? Doesn't sound it but you don't need me telling you not to either. You need someone to actually give you a reason not to and I don't know what that is

I don't think anyone here really wants anyone to die. If we had ways out that wouldn't result in death, we would take it. But if that were the case, we probably wouldn't be on SS. If he had found himself a reason to keep going, he wouldn't have chosen the finality of CTB. Just like the rest of us. If he feels like this is his only option, he's entitled to it, no matter who would oppose otherwise. The only thing the rest of us can do is wish he does it safely enough that doesn't end up making his situation worse.

 

[sadworld]

I wish there would be ways for us to end this pain without having to die but sometimes it's sadly the only way to escape... Good luck, i hope you find peace with your decision

 

[Mr2005]

I don't think anyone here really wants anyone to die. If we had ways out that wouldn't result in death, we would take it. But if that were the case, we probably wouldn't be on SS. If he had found himself a reason to keep going, he wouldn't have chosen the finality of CTB. Just like the rest of us. If he feels like this is his only option, he's entitled to it, no matter who would oppose otherwise. The only thing the rest of us can do is wish he does it safely enough that doesn't end up making his situation worse.

SS could be the last chance saloon. What's the argument for staying beyond getting the necessary information? We'd probably never get to know each other. I've been here two years. I came from reddit where I helped out as best I could but decided I'd had enough and someone kindly sent me this way. However it never struck me as being that different. This was acknowledged when the recovery section was made. I'd question whether someone who was certain would feel the need to tell anyone at all. It puts us all in a difficult position really

 

[_Kaira_]

SS could be the last chance saloon. What's the argument for staying beyond getting the necessary information? We'd probably never get to know each other. I've been here two years. I came from reddit where I helped out as best I could but decided I'd had enough and someone kindly sent me this way. However it never struck me as being that different. This was acknowledged when the recovery section was made. I'd question whether someone who was certain would feel the need to tell anyone at all. It puts us all in a difficult position really

Well outside the recovery section, I just don't think anything can be said for the rest of us. Most people who post in this section, have more or less made peace with their decision. Emphasis on most. If they aren't actively proceeding with their plans, they usually have a date or general time frame they will CTB. As for me, I may be new here, but I go off based on my own experience, feelings, and reading others' experiences. If we wanted for our minds to be changed and turn away from the thought of suicide, we would be posting in recovery. Unless of course someone is asking for their minds to be changed. But again, for the most part, SS is a sight to find comfort in others who feel more or less the same way. Whether that ends in CTB or otherwise.

Again the majority of us wouldn't be on SS if we didn't want to die. It's kind of you to try and help people, I get it, but most of us are just way too set in our ways to try and convince another person that they shouldn't CTB. But we definitely do not encourage it. More power to someone if they find their way that doesn't involve death.

If and when I decide to CTB, I will always treasure my interactions with people on here. No matter how long or short I knew them. Just speaking with people who could understand me would be enough to give me some peace of mind in my final moments. Comfort and peace is all we can ask of someone who has made their decision to go on through with it.

Sorry if it sounds like I'm rambling. I have a hard time getting all my thoughts out clearly. I do agree with you, it's refreshing to see someone on here who isn't all doom and gloom. A lot of us just can't help feeling that way.

EDIT: Also, just in the past few days, I've been on here probably way too much. Probably half the day at the very least. I browse a lot of posts and threads. I have nothing else going on in my life anyway.

 

[Mr2005]

Well outside the recovery section, I just don't think anything can be said for the rest of us. Most people who post in this section, have more or less made peace with their decision. Emphasis on most. If they aren't actively proceeding with their plans, they usually have a date or general time frame they will CTB. As for me, I may be new here, but I go off based on my own experience, feelings, and reading others' experiences. If we wanted for our minds to be changed and turn away from the thought of suicide, we would be posting in recovery. Unless of course someone is asking for their minds to be changed. But again, for the most part, SS is a sight to find comfort in others who feel more or less the same way. Whether that ends in CTB or otherwise.

Again the majority of us wouldn't be on SS if we didn't want to die. It's kind of you to try and help people, I get it, but most of us are just way too set in our ways to try and convince another person that they shouldn't CTB. But we definitely do not encourage it. More power to someone if they find their way that doesn't involve death.

If and when I decide to CTB, I will always treasure my interactions with people on here. No matter how long or short I knew them. Just speaking with people who could understand me would be enough to give me some peace of mind in my final moments. Comfort and peace is all we can ask of someone who has made their decision to go on through with it.

Sorry if it sounds like I'm rambling. I have a hard time getting all my thoughts out clearly. I do agree with you, it's refreshing to see someone on here who isn't all doom and gloom. A lot of us just can't help feeling that way.

EDIT: Also, just in the past few days, I've been on here probably way too much. Probably half the day at the very least. I browse a lot of posts and threads. I have nothing else going on in my life anyway.

I am doom and gloom. For myself. I don't know enough about them one way or the other. It's easy to assume everyone's just like yourself when it's not true. More people remind me of past me who could've been saved. It's incredibly painful tbh. Do I hope it saves me? Probably but it won't, it'll only kill me faster. At the end of the day if they want to do something they'll do it regardless of what I say. I think it's worth coming at it from a different angle. If someone doesn't like it it doesn't really matter does it? It wouldn't matter to anyone who was at the end of their rope. I've got to be able to live with myself. You did great getting your thoughts out btw. I haven't used a paragraph in forever.

 

[_Kaira_]

I am doom and gloom. For myself. I don't know enough about them one way or the other. It's easy to assume everyone's just like yourself when it's not true. More people remind me of past me who could've been saved. It's incredibly painful tbh. Do I hope it saves me? Probably but it won't, it'll only kill me faster. At the end of the day if they want to do something they'll do it regardless of what I say. I think it's worth coming at it from a different angle. If someone doesn't like it it doesn't really matter does it? It wouldn't matter to anyone who was at the end of their rope. I've got to be able to live with myself. You did great getting your thoughts out btw. I haven't used a paragraph in forever.

Well what I meant by it, I was more referring to your first post. Not directly aimed at your mental health. I don't think everyone is just like me, of course we all have our own lives and our own levels of depression, etc. There is always a handful of people who may still have a chance, as opposed to more or less lost causes (not saying everyone who indefinitely wants to CTB, just those who cannot be convinced no matter how much someone may try). Using myself as an example, I wish I knew any other way. I wish I could be convinced by someone. It would be a damn miracle. It just isn't the case. I listen to people who want to give their two cents about my suicidal thoughts all the time. Truthfully, I don't want to die, I desperately want to live. But I have a multitude of reasons (maybe excuses? Idk anymore. I just want the pain to end and have no way of fixing all of my issues) why I personally find my quality of life too far gone to save.

I agree, different perspectives are nice. Which I've had the pleasure of reading in many different threads on this site. And you're right. Some people do find any form of convincing unsolicited, or they just don't care to think upon what could be if they didn't end their lives early.

The more people who can end their torment without death, the better. But its like legal assisted suicide, if someone's quality of life is so greatly diminished, there's the option of them pulling the plug. As for us who can't get that say from a doctor? We choose when we've had enough ourselves. Of course there's some anomalies in that last statement.

Also thanks, I try, but I do feel like my grammar and order is extremely lacking or otherwise repetitive in word usage/statements xD oh well.

 

[zeroshark]

flubbed it; either i can stomach the train today or i'm not ready and it'll take another couple nights. i need to course correct by being sure next time i'm 1) alone, 2) sober. rushing shit and taking risks i know i shouldn't is what fails me every time--maybe that means i'm not really ready, maybe it doesn't. i still feel confident in the decision at the end of the day, i just wish i hadn't made a thread announcing it and then didn't take precautions i know damn well i needed to take.

 

[_Kaira_]

Take as much time as you need to think things through. More often than not, we are driven by our intense feelings of emotional despair, more so than being 100% certain we are ready to take the plunge. There's no need to regret the thread, if you had been successful, at least we would have a potential idea as to why you've disappeared.

Until your next attempt, or whatever you decide to do, we will be here to help you put your mind at ease. Even if it's only a little.