Venting End of the line

[Hahem]

End of the line.
I have been suffering so much. I've kept things inside me all my life. I can't keep it anymore, I was always sheltered and on the moments I tried to open up no one took me seriously. I am tired, really. Living just hurts so much. I think this year will be my last shot. I will try the last therapists, the last meds, the last churchs, the last hobbies, the last efforts to improve. If nothing works, well, we all know it don't we? My SN is about to arrive . And if I don't see improvement in sight, I think it will have to be it.

But do you wanna know the thing that schocks me the most, that is on my mind every night: I knew it all along, deep inside, I fucking knew it. Ever since I was a kid I knew deep down that I was different, I was depressed from a young age and I told myself: "If I don't change it will be over for me in the future". And do you wanna know what? I was right all along, I didn't change enough, and now I'm fucked.

This is it. I'm gonna try my best efforts, if nothing works I will make a post about my CTB.
Anyone suffering the same? I appreciate your attention.

 

[drag201]

Yeah, I feel you. Things are getting harder and harder to bare every day that passes and I've been getting worse and getting closer to the day I'll give in and commit. I wish I could appreciate life a little more before I do it because I'm scared of looking back and feeling like I wasted most of my time being depressed. I especially relate to that second part of your message, I've always been depressed since I was very young as well and the more years that passed the less I saw (and wanted) a life for myself.


I really hope you can find something to keep going, even if it's just for a little while. I get how tough everything can get, so if you ever decide to do something, I also hope everything goes peacefully.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I truly hope you are successful and can turn things around. Good luck.

 

[LostinTime24]

I'm with you, growing up I could always see how I was different or my family dynamics were different from other peoples. It seemed doomed from the start. I'm giving life one last shot aswell, I wish you the best on whatever path you take.

 

[Kali_Yuga13]

End of the line.
I have been suffering so much. I've kept things inside me all my life. I can't keep it anymore, I was always sheltered and on the moments I tried to open up no one took me seriously. I am tired, really. Living just hurts so much. I think this year will be my last shot. I will try the last therapists, the last meds, the last churchs, the last hobbies, the last efforts to improve. If nothing works, well, we all know it don't we? My SN is about to arrive . And if I don't see improvement in sight, I think it will have to be it.

But do you wanna know the thing that schocks me the most, that is on my mind every night: I knew it all along, deep inside, I fucking knew it. Ever since I was a kid I knew deep down that I was different, I was depressed from a young age and I told myself: "If I don't change it will be over for me in the future". And do you wanna know what? I was right all along, I didn't change enough, and now I'm fucked.

This is it. I'm gonna try my best efforts, if nothing works I will make a post about my CTB.
Anyone suffering the same? I appreciate your attention.

I find myself in a similar position. I'm having lots of memories of childhood and early adulthood where the tides were turned and I let my circumstances dictate my future. I was to thin-skinned and stopped healthy outlets that could have turned into lifestyle careers instead of wage slavery and office work though I was also sabotaged. I feel like I'm being out maneuvered by fate if I don't fight vigilantly. I have lots of loose ends to tie up before I leave the world and it's going to take every thing I have to rally the energy to do that while feeling this way. On the other end of that there's the possibility that iI can new chapter. I hate the idea of my enemies having any satisfaction if I ctb and that also keeps me hanging around. I'm looking to find SN in the meantime to have as a mental safety blanket.

 

[alltoomuch2]

End of the line.
I have been suffering so much. I've kept things inside me all my life. I can't keep it anymore, I was always sheltered and on the moments I tried to open up no one took me seriously. I am tired, really. Living just hurts so much. I think this year will be my last shot. I will try the last therapists, the last meds, the last churchs, the last hobbies, the last efforts to improve. If nothing works, well, we all know it don't we? My SN is about to arrive . And if I don't see improvement in sight, I think it will have to be it.

But do you wanna know the thing that schocks me the most, that is on my mind every night: I knew it all along, deep inside, I fucking knew it. Ever since I was a kid I knew deep down that I was different, I was depressed from a young age and I told myself: "If I don't change it will be over for me in the future". And do you wanna know what? I was right all along, I didn't change enough, and now I'm fucked.

This is it. I'm gonna try my best efforts, if nothing works I will make a post about my CTB.
Anyone suffering the same? I appreciate your attention.

Omg. Yes. I feel exactly like this. The MH people all exclaim how proactive I am and how hard I try. And none of them realise that's because this is my last chance. But part of me has given up and that's so not me. I'm just not the person I really want to be. I just want to help people and make them feel better but yet again today I've been reminded how I don't do that however hard I try because I'm too weird, look too unapproachable, too ugly, just not nice. And I've been like that all my life as long as I can remember. Shunned. People being obviously uncomfortable around me. Sad. Not understanding how to live this life that so many people seem to live so effortlessly. And yes I've struggled and had to get through it alone without telling anyone all my life. I can remember telling my mother only once ever that I wanted to Kms and what did she say? "Go on then, jump" and walked away. That was the only time until now I asked for help. And now I've asked for help and been trying so hard since October, hoping that eventually I will experience optimism and joy for once in my miserable useless life. But it's not working so far. I'll keep trying until they stop helping me I think. I'll practice the techniques. I'll take the meds. I'll do the "enjoyable" activities that aren't. But like you, I fucking knew this was my life and I've tried for 60 years, god knows I've tried, but I'm still me and I hate me. I just wish I could get SN but im in the UK and despite searching endlessly I can't get any. So I'll give MH services one more chance. But then it's night-night, or full hanging or whatever it's called, or Nytol (yes I know that's a bad way) or paracetamol (yes I know that's even worse), or train (yes the driver, I know, but is that worse than someone you know finding you hanging or night-nighted, really?). And I do feel for you. I so so feel for you. Because you seem to be in the same place, desperately trying to do the right thing, running out of options and ideas. And each day another slap in the face. Another body blow. Another slide further down the snake. And each time another part of you dies inside. And you're afraid to hope. And almost too tired to try any more. And desperate to reach out but if you do you know they'll try to persuade you of things that aren't true. "It'll get better". "it's a temporary feeling". But their like king canute trying to stop the sea coming in. I really hear you and I'm just so sad that there's someone else in the same mental pain that I'm in. So here is the biggest hug of understanding. I love you because like me you are giving it the last chance from the bottom of your reserves. And I truly hope it gets better for you. And if it doesn't I truly hope you find peace. Xxx