I've been having a real tough time these past few days. I feel wildly insecure and useless and worthless. I feel like everything I do is motivated by selfish desires. And I feel like I'm causing net harm over help in both family and friend. And I only see it getting worse.
I know this is super attention-seeking of me and super selfish behavior, but if any of you could spare some words of encouragement that would mean everything to me.
You're not "attention-seeking." Everyone wants to feel heard, seen, and valuable in society. This is a natural feeling that all humans feel except the small minority of sociopaths and psychopaths (even sociopaths want social power).
You are not selfish. I know someone told you that were selfish. They made you feel selfish for having desires when actually your desires were always valuable but they just couldn't provide that to you. You weren't wanting too much, and you never have. You were a child once who relied on the care of others once. We, as humans, whether we like it or not, are highly dependent on other humans. Someone else farms our food, someone else manages the factory that makes our clothes, someone else manages the factory that makes your parent's medication, etc. It's when we surrender and realize we HAVE to rely on others that we stop hurting ourselves for having human needs. No matter what thoughts you have in your mind that tell you you should desire less, you deserve to want your desires. They are valid.
I know you're going through some heavy shit in your life. It can feel really hard to hold on. But hear me out: do a meditation. Don't focus on the idea of meditating: it's about trying to train your focus and understanding what you are even thinking. My depression spirals are always the opposite of meditation: brain scrambling everywhere and can't think about one thing at a time. Slow down. Remember that the only real moment is NOW. The thoughts of the past—yes, they are "real," but they don't exist anymore. The past is… gone. For good and for worse. Take the time to just enjoy the moment for enjoying the moment: not because you want to run away from things. Permit yourself to enjoy the moment instead of thinking to yourself, "I should be doing something else."
You are such a lovely human being who is deserving of the best. You deserve to feel that way as well. This may be a dark period. This can last for years. But there is a light. I fucking PROMISE you. I'm finally starting to see the lights flicker as I slowly get out of the mess of a 6-year, soul-crushing depression. The binges get faster and faster, I recover faster and faster. We learn more about ourselves and boy, when we get out of this mess, we will be FUCKING IRON MAN. LIKE, when we get out of this mess, do you realize how fucking STRONG we will be emotionally? Nothing will ever shake us again. Yes, it's fine to feel some pain, but we won't go into a depression spiral when we learn more about ourselves and what we need. We may be struggling, but I'm telling you… when we get out of this, which we both will, we will be so F-ing strong nothing will be able to stop us. I get it is hard to believe me now, but I promise it WILL happen.
This was a big rant, but I hope it made sense lol.
