Empty suffering and loneliness

[Zerin]

Hello, I don't speak English very well but I wanted to express my 11 years of loneliness, severe depression and anxiety among other undiagnosed illnesses, there is a lot I want to write but it hurts me to write all this, I have suffered for many years and I depend emotionally on people who have treated me like garbage and left alone, I lost a girl that I loved more than me, she treated me very badly because of her BPD and decided to leave me, I moved from my country with her and she only treated me badly, even so I wanted to be with her, I suffer a lot from abandonment from my parents and I only looked for affection in someone and no one could give it to me. Maybe I am the one responsible for all my relationships ending badly. I only feel guilty about everything. Something wrong I must do so that no relationship works and I feel guilty when I just wanted to. Feeling loved, maybe jealousy or something, but I just wanted to be loved. I tried to commit suicide more than 10 times throughout my life but it didn't work. I just want to find a way to rest in peace. I no longer want to suffer from everything I've experienced. I was thinking of going to live in Spain with a friend that I have known for years but I don't even have money to start a new life. Maybe finding an effective method to die is the only salvation.

 

[FuneralCry]

It really sounds like you've suffered so much, existence is just too cruel. I hope that you find peace eventually.

 

[Zerin]

Thank you I hope you find peace soon

 

[Rational man]

Reading your story reminds of how so many of us have taken a lonely journey to end up on this forum. Im sorry to hear about your suffering. That itself is lonely because its a personal journey of pain. The abandonment feeling is one I recognise in me. My parents weponised my childhood to attack each other and of course, I was the kid who sucked the toxic emotional crap up and has affected me to the point where I find it hard to trust people and now im scared to lose a the few friends I have. I honestly think that potential parents should undergo psychological assessment before being allowed to have children, for their behaviour has a direct influence on the child's wellbeing in later life.

 

[Zerin]

Reading your story reminds of how so many of us have taken a lonely journey to end up on this forum. Im sorry to hear about your suffering. That itself is lonely because its a personal journey of pain. The abandonment feeling is one I recognise in me. My parents weponised my childhood to attack each other and of course, I was the kid who sucked the toxic emotional crap up and has affected me to the point where I find it hard to trust people and now im scared to lose a the few friends I have. I honestly think that potential parents should undergo psychological assessment before being allowed to have children, for their behaviour has a direct influence on the child's wellbeing in later life.

Thank you for dedicating these words to me, you made me think a lot. I hope I can die to find peace or that a miracle exists these days, to have money or simply that this girl returns to get my life back.

 

[BlazingBob]

I can very much relate.

 

[BlendedHeart]

Encontrar amor verdadero, olvidar las penas del pasado, y poner fin a la soledad es el objetivo de muchos, incluyéndome. Y es muy difícil. Espero que encuentres paz y tranquilidad, de la manera que sea.

(I assume you speak Spanish since you said you were thinking of living in Spain. If that isn't the case, just ignore the above thing. I wish you peace, whatever you may find it in.)

 

[Zerin]

I can very much relate.

If I can help with something it would make me happy, I am a useless person, the person I love the most and even my mother told me, if I can help someone with what I feel or by giving some help it would relieve me. I don't want anyone to suffer what I suffer.

Encontrar amor verdadero, olvidar las penas del pasado, y poner fin a la soledad es el objetivo de muchos, incluyéndome. Y es muy difícil. Espero que encuentres paz y tranquilidad, de la manera que sea.

(I assume you speak Spanish since you said you were thinking of living in Spain. If that isn't the case, just ignore the above thing. I wish you peace, whatever you may find it in.)

Hola, si soy Uruguayo la culpa me lleva por mas que esta mina me haya tratado tan mal siento que la culpa es mia haya hecho o no cosas equivocadas, ojala todo mejore encontrar una forma de mejorar o solamente dejar de intentar, pase de ser un prodigio del lol e incluso competir (que es lo que amaba) a que en poco tiempo dejo de interesarme incluso mi pasion,no se porque ni para que vivo solo para que alguien me quiera y me cuide pero se que esto llevara a mal puerto