loveless23
New Member
- Jan 1, 2024
- 2
Hey all.
I have been a lurker in this thread for some years. Oddly, this place has always calmed me, given me a feeling of acceptance, and pushed my CTB thoughts further away through the realization that I will always have that option when shit hits the fan.
And now that moment has come. Come strongly. I have lost my partner, the closest person to me, and one of my main motivating factors for staying alive and not giving in to the thoughts.
I know that things get better, that you get over them with time. But this won't. This was a person who was so above all my previous experiences, and the only person I know I truly loved. It's heartbreaking to process this profound loss right now, when this was a partner we had discussed marriage, and moving abroad with, recently. This was the only partner in my life I would even consider having children with, as he would have been wonderful with them.
Without him by my side, there is no reason for me to be here. No use for my life. Love means everything to me, despite the pain, I derive my own self worth from others. And a life without romantic love for me is a prison. I thought it was bad last breakup. There was a lot of s/h then. I closed off from the world for a whole 3 years. Didnt work, barely ate. Took just as long to integrate back into society. I didnt trust anyone. I hurt for 3 whole years, destroying my illusions of the past. I don't know how, but i didn't ctb despite thinking of it daily. I think s/h sublimated it for a while.
But the person I lost this time? A person who completed me, with whom we were our genuine selves. A person who raised the plank so high for me, that I know I won't find better. And I don't want to. The universe gave me a soulmate. And I lost him. That was the main reason holding me back from the thoughts, the light in my life that kept my head up and gave me a naive hope that everything would be okay.
Now, I'm left with nothing but self-loathing, and the thoughts that have haunted me since I was 9 - that I want to choose when to die. I've never wanted to die old. Back then I thought 40-50.
The whole time I was 27, the nagging dumbass thoughts about the 27 club would not leave me alone, fixating on a pretty number to stop on. I am now 28, and after a lifetime of anguish and turmoil, my last haven of peace is gone.
I am writing this to ask for advice on how to approach the subject of ctb planning, when understanding that right now, I am in a very impulsive state. I see a strength to this state, because in this state of pain, it would be easier to combat SI, which has always kicked in in previous attempts. But I understand the need for a calm state of mind, a weighed-out decision, and the level headedness needed to leave no room for mistakes.
I am tired of suffering all of my life. The only option now, is a jump from the 9th story, but that is a mess.
I have been a lurker in this thread for some years. Oddly, this place has always calmed me, given me a feeling of acceptance, and pushed my CTB thoughts further away through the realization that I will always have that option when shit hits the fan.
And now that moment has come. Come strongly. I have lost my partner, the closest person to me, and one of my main motivating factors for staying alive and not giving in to the thoughts.
I know that things get better, that you get over them with time. But this won't. This was a person who was so above all my previous experiences, and the only person I know I truly loved. It's heartbreaking to process this profound loss right now, when this was a partner we had discussed marriage, and moving abroad with, recently. This was the only partner in my life I would even consider having children with, as he would have been wonderful with them.
Without him by my side, there is no reason for me to be here. No use for my life. Love means everything to me, despite the pain, I derive my own self worth from others. And a life without romantic love for me is a prison. I thought it was bad last breakup. There was a lot of s/h then. I closed off from the world for a whole 3 years. Didnt work, barely ate. Took just as long to integrate back into society. I didnt trust anyone. I hurt for 3 whole years, destroying my illusions of the past. I don't know how, but i didn't ctb despite thinking of it daily. I think s/h sublimated it for a while.
But the person I lost this time? A person who completed me, with whom we were our genuine selves. A person who raised the plank so high for me, that I know I won't find better. And I don't want to. The universe gave me a soulmate. And I lost him. That was the main reason holding me back from the thoughts, the light in my life that kept my head up and gave me a naive hope that everything would be okay.
Now, I'm left with nothing but self-loathing, and the thoughts that have haunted me since I was 9 - that I want to choose when to die. I've never wanted to die old. Back then I thought 40-50.
The whole time I was 27, the nagging dumbass thoughts about the 27 club would not leave me alone, fixating on a pretty number to stop on. I am now 28, and after a lifetime of anguish and turmoil, my last haven of peace is gone.
I am writing this to ask for advice on how to approach the subject of ctb planning, when understanding that right now, I am in a very impulsive state. I see a strength to this state, because in this state of pain, it would be easier to combat SI, which has always kicked in in previous attempts. But I understand the need for a calm state of mind, a weighed-out decision, and the level headedness needed to leave no room for mistakes.
I am tired of suffering all of my life. The only option now, is a jump from the 9th story, but that is a mess.
