idhayam
not my world ❦
- Sep 23, 2023
- 31
For some period of time (not sure how many years) I have severely been doubtful about who I am. My piano recital last weekend was a failure, I lost my flow and ended up stopping midway before continuing and trying to finish just to escape from the mess I was in. The piano recital was the last thing that I wanted to do before I go through with my CTB method, but the freedom I wanted to have is being pulled at how others perceived my performance - mine was the only imperfect one out of the multiple performed. The empty consolation from my mother and cousins, that "I did really well" only gave me more questions - who am I trying to appease?
But I feel like this was a punishment. A punishment for thinking that I could be better than another one of my cousins at this. I constantly have immense pressure pulling my head down, a tension that only became more painful from the mere thought of what the audience may have thought.
But I feel like this was a punishment. A punishment for thinking that I could be better than another one of my cousins at this. I constantly have immense pressure pulling my head down, a tension that only became more painful from the mere thought of what the audience may have thought.