Venting Embarrassingly still here

[timetodie24]

So yesterday was the deadline I was given to end it … and I'm still here. Pretty shameful and embarassing.
I was a coward, partly worried about it going wrong and ending up brain damaged. Partly guilt of my parents finding my body like that.
I don't really know what happens now. As there will be punishment for not following orders. I was expecting bad news today but a relative actually got all clear when I was warned they'd die because I didn't follow the rules. So something else is going to happen. I haven't hurt anyone but they keep telling me to. Things are still pretty bleak and self-harming multiple times a day to get through.
I still want to and need to die asap but rethinking plan. I hate that I am so weak and useless at this.

 

[FuneralCry]

That must be dreadful what you go through, I wish it's not so difficult for one to die on their own terms. But anyway best wishes.

 

[Saturn_]

Don't feel like you have to rush anything, after all this is the last thing you will ever do. This is one of the hardest things you could ever do with your life and you aren't a coward at all. I'm sorry that you've come to such an awful point in life where you think of yourself as useless for not being able to kill yourself. I'm sorry that you're going through all this pain and torment. I wish you the best

 

[iloverachel]

Please don't be too harsh on yourself, you are not a coward nor should be embarrassed. taking your own life is a very scary thing most people would be afraid to do

I wish you the best

 

[timetodie24]

Thank you all for your understanding . I am so angry at myself but trying to remember rushing is risky so maybe this is for the best. Only have to try once if I do it right.
Head feels so messed up. I think I'll take a little bit of time to sort my head out then get back into planning. Hopefully on my own deadline this time but not sure how long I can handle their mind games.

 

[InboxRain292]

You're not a coward, don't be angry at yourself! Don't pressure or rush yourself either! Take your time to think it through- may you have the peace you want!

 

[SilverTiger]

So yesterday was the deadline I was given to end it … and I'm still here. Pretty shameful and embarassing.
I was a coward, partly worried about it going wrong and ending up brain damaged. Partly guilt of my parents finding my body like that.
I don't really know what happens now. As there will be punishment for not following orders. I was expecting bad news today but a relative actually got all clear when I was warned they'd die because I didn't follow the rules. So something else is going to happen. I haven't hurt anyone but they keep telling me to. Things are still pretty bleak and self-harming multiple times a day to get through.
I still want to and need to die asap but rethinking plan. I hate that I am so weak and useless at this.

The fact you're here is proof you're far from cowardly. Don't worry about timing champ, it will happen.

"The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry" - To a Mouse by Robert Burns

Don't set a concrete date for this please, try and aim to get everything in order before you CTB, don't set a date, set a list of goals to avoid disappointment and heartache.

Whatever you choose, good luck Champ.

 

[UKscotty]

Be gentle on yourself. I always advise people not to set dates. It just gives anxiety and a feeling that we are a failure when the date passes.

When I see people post like I'm going to CTB tonight or I'm going to CTB after summer I feel sorry for them because I know it's very unlikely they will follow through, then they feel even worse the day after.

Despite what anyone says, we only CTB once all hope is gone and we are ready. Anything else is nonsense pro-death noise.

 

[glossble]

Don't be embarrassed by the fact that you are still here ♡
We are the only beings that are capable of making a conscious decision to take our own life and even for us it is extremely difficult! It is very hard to fight SI, take your time and be gentle on yourself, there's no need to rush

 

[timetodie24]

Thank you all so much for being so understanding and reassuring