Discussion Education while being suicidal

[evannave]

Who here is currently in school (College, University, etc..) and is sure they want to CTB? Do you believe it's counter intuitive to continue to pursue your education if you plan on ending your life?

 

[stoplmp]

Good question, this thread should have received more attention.

Personally, I am still studying, but I'm not giving as much of me as I already gave in the past.
I am still trying, still studying for tests and everything, but I'm not really going deep and giving too much effort on it.

Yes, my college grades dropped drastically, but I don't think I should care that much for it. I'm just trying to keep going, but I don't have a "reason" to give all my efforts if I know I'm going to end everything anyways.

 

[Abyssal]

I'm in school, also working. It's rough, I get mistreated pretty bad sometimes and have no life to myself, I'd go to say it's what makes me suicidal. A life where I could just exist sounds more worth living.

 

[EmptyHeaded]

I'm technically still in school, but don't attend anymore. I don't see why I should waste the teacher's time and the government's resources to give me education I won't ever use anyway.

 

[Orangee]

I'm in school and honestly don't see a point in trying anymore. But I've always been a straight A student, so it's just ingrained in me to keep pushing on. Also feel bad if I just give up and stop studying because education is expensive. I think it's good to give yourself an out though. Even though I know there's a minuscule chance that I'll even be alive in a few months, I'll make the chance smaller if my future is fucked up because I won't have anything to return to.

 

[willitpass]

I'm in college right now. Even when I first became suicidal as a young child I have always felt the need to continue setting myself up for my future in case CTB fails for whatever reason. Since I've had so many failed attempts, that line of thinking has saved me from a jobless, directionless life where I'm stuck living with my parents. I've lived on my own for years and outwardly am arguably successful. If I'm gonna be stuck here, it's gonna at least be slightly livable.

 

[Forveleth]

I'm still going because I don't want to screw myself over if I can't bring myself to do it or I live. I haven't scheduled classes for next semester yet though. I plan to not make it through the summer.

 

[another_user]

Me. I'm not sure if I will ctb or not before I finish my course, but right now it looks like it is heading that way and I wouldn't be surprised if I don't make it to the end. I want to keep studying up to that point because it's one of the few things I enjoy when I feel better and it's good to keep things stable to not raise the suspicion of certain people.

I reached out for help to a lot of services since my mental health started to decline, but none have been very helpful and frankly I don't have the energy to chase support right now. There was a woman monitoring me but I'm even too tired to respond to her anymore and anyway it was mostly just asking questions which I was never honest about like "do you have access to lethal means?" I used to say no, but to me the question is stupid because everyone has access to something "lethal".

I also I like to support people and try to make systems better which I can do at uni before I go. I don't think I am really obvious about how bad I feel so I should be okay to stay until the end.

 

[vadim]

I'm still in college and not actively making plans to ctb because I (probably foolishly) hold onto the hope that if I just manage to make it to the end of my degree I'll have more opportunities to work towards leading a life with a semblance of purpose, or have at least gotten closer to finding something worth doing with myself.

I'm doing just about the bare minimum I do need to be doing to keep up, which is a massive struggle because I've no interest in anything. Attending college makes me feel terrible because not only do I get to be reminded every day of what a useless, unintelligent person with no future I am, but I also get to be surrounded by highly motivated people going above and beyond what's required of them to secure future employment, as well as people just hanging out with friends (I have no friends).

Basically, I have a mental barrier to committing to cbt which keeps me in education, but being in education makes me feel worse and exacerbates the feeling I have that cbt is my only option. Fun!

 

[february in alaska]

Similar to a lot of other replies. University 4th year student here, I've always been a straight-A student, 4.0s, honor roll, whatever. No matter how bad my mental health got, no matter how nonexistent my social life was. But last semester was when I made serious concrete plans to CTB and it was like a flip switched, because keeping up with it had always made me miserable and I didn't want to spend my last days stressing about stuff that no longer mattered.... ironically, all it did was stress me out more, lol. Worried/disappointed emails from professors, having to hide it from my parents, and obviously it puts more pressure on actually going through with CTB'ing because I've dug myself into a hole when everyone expects me to graduate

If I hadn't given up I would probably be going on to graduate school though. So just another waste of time and money because I have no idea what I want to do with my life other than end it. Man. University has been a nightmare

 

[AllMyDreams]

I was suicidal often all throughout college. I somehow got through bc I've always been a grade A student and because my suicidality ebbed and flowed giving me at least some time to work on projects.

My motivation to continue when I was depressed was essentially: if I get a degree, I can maybe get a visa to move to Belgium/Netherlands, or I can at least get into a stable life position so I can CTB in a more organized, peaceful way vs. have a rough life.

So I would say even if you do plan to CTB down the road finishing your degree so you can live as independently as possible would be a good short term motivation.

(And who knows, you might get better. I'm still suicidal sometimes but not as much)

 

[permanently tired]

I was a few months ago, but I dropped out bc Ive reached a point of apathy towards everything and the university basically kicked me out. I used to care about that academic validation shit even though I'm not the brightest. I just feel so damaged that my only desire to die so I can stop feeling completely

 

[Denza]

In my last months of HS rn. Not really the best of students since im failing half my subjects rn based on how things are going (late submissions and subpar performance). Just a big negative loop since I still care about my grades to somewhat give any kind of validation to myself but I cant do that when im demotivated to do schoolworks to begin with. It all really just started to go downhill earlier this year after that one breakdown I had and now noone would talk to me after school, they only start caring when it's for school shit. Even my ex who used to talk to me to calm me down just ghosted me and prolly just fucked off to another guy. Cant really blame them tho. Just gives me more motivation to get over life quickly.