Venting ED, self-image, & suicide

[VM08L]

My ED is linked with my self-worth issues—and is another factor in my desire to *ctb. I was curious about others' experiences; I don't think there has been such a thing as "recovery" for me. It's kinda just part of myself. Nothing about my body has ever been quite right. I'm pretty different-looking; unconventional. And it's like, a constant battle to walk out the door. I have plenty of bad experiences regarding my looks that I wish I could just forget haha. My appearance has been a burden for as long as I can remember.

I don't like going places at all… My smile is too goofy. My legs are too thick. I refuse to go out the door without makeup. I have to cut every sandwich into four meals, and purge whenever possible. Be careful with the way my clothing is laying on / hugging my body, in fear of looking disgusting. I obsess over it. I have always overcompensated constantly for the body and face I was given—and the result doesn't come close to "pretty", or anything like it. It's a constant, bitter chase for normal. Some days are better than others, and I can sorta shrug it off. Maybe forget about it a while. But it's been bad again lately.

When I think of dying, I always ask myself things like… "Would I be this way if not for how I look?" "If I was just born more conventional, would I have half the emotional baggage I have?" "If I was more palatable, would people have actually helped me more when I was little? Treated me nicer?" "Would it have made life even a little easier?" "Would I even be half as stressed?"

Idk, just some thoughts I guess! I'm genuinely interested in others' perspectives, but I still tacked on "Vent" just in case. Wasn't sure haha!

 

[Naked Weapon]

This really spoke to me. I've had an ED for half my life now on top of crippling gender dysphoria. I don't want a body at all, and the only way I would involves me controlling it in a way not humanly possible. It's not even that I wish to have a body I want, but a body that I feel at least comfortable in, something I don't want to crawl out of at every moment. In another life I would be born "correctly". At one point in time I was content with something that didn't involve starving or purging. My heart goes out to you; I know how difficult these things are. Even if I can't offer advice, just know you're not alone.

 

[FinalDestination]

It's wierd because I haven't been on here a long while but my problems never stopped and in fact just strengthen as time goes on, so seeing this I was just kind of like ok wow me. I have always had a weird relationship with my body and a dissonance with what I see and what is real. I have it so deeply ingrained that my self-worth is synonymous with body image and it's like I'm always chasing "skinnier" , that if I lose more weight I'll obtain worth which never really comes. Also because I have quite literally nothing else I feel like all I have is this obsession and can't let go. The moment I feel I lose a bit of control I spiral and lose it and do anything to regain it no matter how drastic. I've also thought about wherther I would still be this way if I wasn't me and looked/felt normal. For me personally it's a catch 22, and it's a thought beyond my understanding- like simply thinking about it is something unacceptable to do, I can't know since it's just an impossible hypothetical and a quick path down the "what if " road which is better not thought about. Sorry for venting! I know how you feel and here if you ever want to talk

 

[xoirse]

been there, i really hate it when i binge and i cut myself when i do. i compare myself to my friends who are skinnier and are like 50kg. i know i'm a toxic friend if i do that and i get jealous but i can't help it, it's the constant voice in my head that keeps telling me i look disgusting beside these people. they've always know how to look and dress well and they're all so pretty, they're the sweetest girls i've met but i hate myself for always being self conscious about my looks. every time i like someone, it's always gonna be one of my friends they'll like back. every time they point out some of their insecurities, i just want to bawl my fucking eyes out because what the fuck are you talking about????? it's very insensitive of me. i wish i was good at something to make up for all of it but no. i tried and did my best but it still wasn't up to their standards. it was my only chance of some form of self worth because i'm not pretty but even at that i failed too. i figured eventually it's better to ctb.

 

[sppplmgwiwlkiwbtft]

this really hits home.. I've been struggling with self image and weight issues for as long as I can remember. I always knew I was bigger and uglier than girls around me, since the age of 5-6 maybe. Being born with this face and genetics really shaped my whole life and I often wonder, how different would my life been had I been born ordinary looking or not predisposed to gaining weight. I can't help it but hate all beautiful and normal-looking women and wish them all the worst. I wish I could quit, I tried by I can't and my ed only gets worse and worse. I also feel like my ed struggle is not valid because I'm not anorexic or bulimic but quite the opposite: I can't stop eating, when I'm forced to reduce eating I have mental breakdowns or panic attacks or try to end myself. So like .. it feels like I'm not only not accepted in the general society, I'm also not accepted in the ed community. It sucks man
Also you said that there was no recovery for you, and I really can relate to it. Even when I lost a significant amount of weight a couple years ago I felt bad and inside I was still fat and ugly. I guess after growing up like this there's no escape

 

[deathslament]

My ED is linked with my self-worth issues—and is another factor in my desire to *ctb. I was curious about others' experiences; I don't think there has been such a thing as "recovery" for me. It's kinda just part of myself. Nothing about my body has ever been quite right. I'm pretty different-looking; unconventional. And it's like, a constant battle to walk out the door. I have plenty of bad experiences regarding my looks that I wish I could just forget haha. My appearance has been a burden for as long as I can remember.

I don't like going places at all… My smile is too goofy. My legs are too thick. I refuse to go out the door without makeup. I have to cut every sandwich into four meals, and purge whenever possible. Be careful with the way my clothing is laying on / hugging my body, in fear of looking disgusting. I obsess over it. I have always overcompensated constantly for the body and face I was given—and the result doesn't come close to "pretty", or anything like it. It's a constant, bitter chase for normal. Some days are better than others, and I can sorta shrug it off. Maybe forget about it a while. But it's been bad again lately.

When I think of dying, I always ask myself things like… "Would I be this way if not for how I look?" "If I was just born more conventional, would I have half the emotional baggage I have?" "If I was more palatable, would people have actually helped me more when I was little? Treated me nicer?" "Would it have made life even a little easier?" "Would I even be half as stressed?"

Idk, just some thoughts I guess! I'm genuinely interested in others' perspectives, but I still tacked on "Vent" just in case. Wasn't sure haha!

this really hits home.. I've been struggling with self image and weight issues for as long as I can remember. I always knew I was bigger and uglier than girls around me, since the age of 5-6 maybe. Being born with this face and genetics really shaped my whole life and I often wonder, how different would my life been had I been born ordinary looking or not predisposed to gaining weight. I can't help it but hate all beautiful and normal-looking women and wish them all the worst. I wish I could quit, I tried by I can't and my ed only gets worse and worse. I also feel like my ed struggle is not valid because I'm not anorexic or bulimic but quite the opposite: I can't stop eating, when I'm forced to reduce eating I have mental breakdowns or panic attacks or try to end myself. So like .. it feels like I'm not only not accepted in the general society, I'm also not accepted in the ed community. It sucks man
Also you said that there was no recovery for you, and I really can relate to it. Even when I lost a significant amount of weight a couple years ago I felt bad and inside I was still fat and ugly. I guess after growing up like this there's not escape

nice avatars, i too love silent hill.
it also hits home. i don't like eating. i only eat one time a day, no more than 600 calories, anything more is too much.