Ecstacy

[TheBestUsernameEver]

I'm feeling really positive, ecstatic even!
After a decade of low mood, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel
If my previous suicide attempt worked I wouldn't be experiencing this now.

Medication, taken consistently, (sertraline, olanzapine) has helped massively

I searched on Facebook for friendship groups in my area and I have since found a really good group of friends.

Furthermore, I have some really positive things happening this year:

1. A professional cooking course starting September.

2. Returning to my university studies starting October with the Open University here in the UK.

3. Potentially a job interview this week for a pretty good job. The only thing about the job is that I'm not sure how I'm going to fit studying in if I get it.

Let's share our positive outlook with each other and celebrate the small wins together

 

[t-rex]

Really happy for you that things are looking up! May I ask if you are bipolar? Just curious if you are experiencing mania. Sorry, I mean no offense with that question. I hope the high is legitimate and healthy. :)

It's not often on a forum like this that you hear someone's medications are actually working well. Good for you!

 

[TheBestUsernameEver]

Really happy for you that things are looking up! May I ask if you are bipolar? Just curious if you are experiencing mania. Sorry, I mean no offense with that question. I hope the high is legitimate and healthy. :)

It's not often on a forum like this that you hear someone's medications are actually working well. Good for you!

Hey, I like your username and picture

I do indeed have a diagnosis of bipolar, though it doesn't feel like I've entered mania.
I feel as though I have entered a place of stability and elevated self-awareness.

I had previously trialed escitalopram and citalipram, both of which had zero effect on me.
Sertraline on the other hand has been effective from day 1 and I experienced marked improvement in mood and perspective after 3 months on 150-200 mg/day.

The improvement that I'm currently experiencing can realistically only partly be attributed to the effects of medication, however.
Medication put me in a place mentally where I was able to reach out socially and begin building myself up.

 

[t-rex]

Interesting. SSRIs usually take much longer to have effect, they are not effective from day 1.

I am also on an antipsychotic and an antidepressant (SNRI). Can't say it's doing much lately. I may need to up the dose of Cymbalta. The antipsychotic worked really well for me the first time I had it, but not anymore it seems. I have unipolar depression, not bipolar.

Your doc doesn't have you on a mood stabilizer? Nice that you don't need that. The fewer meds the better.

 

[TheBestUsernameEver]

Interesting. SSRIs usually take much longer to have effect, they are not effective from day 1.

I am also on an antipsychotic and an antidepressant (SNRI). Can't say it's doing much lately. I may need to up the dose of Cymbalta. The antipsychotic worked really well for me the first time I had it, but not anymore it seems. I have unipolar depression, not bipolar.

Your doc doesn't have you on a mood stabilizer? Nice that you don't need that. The fewer meds the better.

Yes, my mood and perspective began to change after circa 3 months.
That being said, I did experience effects almost immediately. I felt emotionally 'blunt', tired, and non-perturbative.

Indeed, I am on a mood stabiliser too (olanzapine).

What dosage are you on and how long have you been medicated?

 

[t-rex]

Olanzapine is an antipsychotic, not a mood stabilizer. Mood stabilizers are things like Lithium and Depakote.

I have been on Invega (antipsychotic) off and on since June, Cymbalta (60mg) for a shorter time. I take an Invega injection of 234mg I believe. The first time I had it I felt amazing. Lately it doesn't seem to do much.

 

[TheBestUsernameEver]

Olanzapine is an antipsychotic, not a mood stabilizer. Mood stabilizers are things like Lithium and Depakote.

I have been on Invega (antipsychotic) off and on since June, Cymbalta (60mg) for a shorter time. I take an Invega injection of 234mg I believe. The first time I had it I felt amazing. Lately it doesn't seem to do much.

Yes, though apparently it is being used on me for its mood stabilising effects in order to prevent me entering mania.

Are you doing anything else to help improve your mood and/or outlook other than medication.

 

[t-rex]

Yes, though apparently it is being used on me for its mood stabilising effects in order to prevent me entering mania.

Are you doing anything else to help improve your mood and/or outlook other than medication.

Gotcha.

I've had and continue to have a lot of psychotherapy. It doesn't seem to have any effect. I try and exercise when I can and take lots of walks/sunshine. I am thinking of going in soon for ECT. Wish me luck...

 

[TheBestUsernameEver]

Gotcha.

I've had and continue to have a lot of psychotherapy. It doesn't seem to have any effect. I try and exercise when I can and take lots of walks/sunshine. I am thinking of going in soon for ECT. Wish me luck...

What kind of therapy are you having?

I know this is going to read as though I think a lot of myself and it isn't meant to come across that way at all, but many people are "too intelligent" for certain kinds of therapy (and particular therapists too!).

I had CBT and it didn't work on me as, to be frank, I could think my way around what was being said to me.

I feel that what a lot of people on here need is for someone to work with them to sort their life out, rather than try to convince them to "think differently" about the situation they're in.

 

[Ashu]

What kind of therapy are you having?

I know this is going to read as though I think a lot of myself and it isn't meant to come across that way at all, but many people are "too intelligent" for certain kinds of therapy (and particular therapists too!).

I had CBT and it didn't work on me as, to be frank, I could think my way around what was being said to me.

Well if you took the attitude that it was some kind of deception they were trying to run on you, no wonder it didn't work. I'm smart enough, and cognitive therapy was radically liberating for me. But I was desperate for freedom, and since psychiatric drugs, psychotherapy, booze, and suicide hadn't worked for me, I was willing to approach it with what may have been the necessary humility.

 

[TheBestUsernameEver]

Well if you took the attitude that it was some kind of deception they were trying to run on you, no wonder it didn't work. I'm smart enough, and cognitive therapy was radically liberating for me. But I was desperate for freedom, and since psychiatric drugs, psychotherapy, booze, and suicide hadn't worked for me, I was willing to approach it with what may have been the necessary humility.

You have misunderstood where I was coming from in the post you quoted.

I didn't take the attitude that therapy is any kind of deception. I do not believe it is.

 

[Parnate]

hey did you notice any side effects on sertraline? Particularly Memory loss, if yes then how long did it last ?

 

[Sherri]

I'm happy you feeling much better. Glad for you. Hugs

 

[t-rex]

What kind of therapy are you having?

I have had CBT, where you rationally interrogate your depressed thoughts to see if they're true) This didn't work well for me as I have a somewhat neurotic mind and the internal debating just turns into a bunch of rumination. Maybe that's the case with you too?

So I tried ACT, which is about mindfully detaching from your thoughts and not engaging with them. Just detach and let them pass, don't feed them with anything. I also have been meditating for a few years, at one time for hours every day, and that hasn't solved much.

I have tried existential therapy with an emphasis on dream analysis. This was with a student-in-training, so perhaps not the best. It was cheap. I didn't feel like it was going anywhere, so I stopped.

Now I'm starting to see a new therapist who is going to focus on helping me ruminate less, with some new kind of therapy that isn't even evidence-based but its creator swears by.

I've also had plenty of more general "talk therapy" where they try to help you improve your life with pragmatic action steps. I don't know, I just have no drive and motivation. I do want to get better, but apparently I'm not willing to put in the effort? One therapist told me, "it seems like you expect wellbeing to just spring out of the ground."

Maybe she was right. Maybe that's why I looked for a "magic fix" in psychedelics and ketamine, and soon with ECT. I hope it's not a foolish or simplistic outlook to view my condition as mostly biological at this point. My failure so far in psychotherapy of course leaves me with the impression that it's my fault, I'm not trying hard enough, I don't want it enough. This is the curse that anyone with depression knows. "It's my fault." All I know is my motivation just keeps getting lower, my apathy keeps getting higher. Surely I cannot just will myself back to mental health with bootstraps/action? (the therapists call it "behavioral activation") It can't be this hard. I have no will or motivation to do anything.

I've dug myself a deep hole. Maybe a brain reboot with ECT plus some more medications and therapy after that, after I'm in a better position. That's my hope at this point.

 

[TheBestUsernameEver]

hey did you notice any side effects on sertraline? Particularly Memory loss, if yes then how long did it last ?

Initial side effects were experienced almost immediately; emotional blunting, tiredness, apathy, fogginess of thought (inability to think about the future).

 

[TheBestUsernameEver]

I have had CBT, where you rationally interrogate your depressed thoughts to see if they're true) This didn't work well for me as I have a somewhat neurotic mind and the internal debating just turns into a bunch of rumination. Maybe that's the case with you too?

So I tried ACT, which is about mindfully detaching from your thoughts and not engaging with them. Just detach and let them pass, don't feed them with anything. I also have been meditating for a few years, at one time for hours every day, and that hasn't solved much.

I have tried existential therapy with an emphasis on dream analysis. This was with a student-in-training, so perhaps not the best. It was cheap. I didn't feel like it was going anywhere, so I stopped.

Now I'm starting to see a new therapist who is going to focus on helping me ruminate less, with some new kind of therapy that isn't even evidence-based but its creator swears by.

I've also had plenty of more general "talk therapy" where they try to help you improve your life with pragmatic action steps. I don't know, I just have no drive and motivation. I do want to get better, but apparently I'm not willing to put in the effort? One therapist told me, "it seems like you expect wellbeing to just spring out of the ground."

Maybe she was right. Maybe that's why I looked for a "magic fix" in psychedelics and ketamine, and soon with ECT. I hope it's not a foolish or simplistic outlook to view my condition as mostly biological at this point. My failure so far in psychotherapy of course leaves me with the impression that it's my fault, I'm not trying hard enough, I don't want it enough. This is the curse that anyone with depression knows. "It's my fault." All I know is my motivation just keeps getting lower, my apathy keeps getting higher. Surely I cannot just will myself back to mental health with bootstraps/action? (the therapists call it "behavioral activation") It can't be this hard. I have no will or motivation to do anything.

I've dug myself a deep hole. Maybe a brain reboot with ECT plus some more medications and therapy after that, after I'm in a better position. That's my hope at this point.

Apologies for not replying sooner. I wanted to wait until I had some time free so that I could properly read what you had written

Yes, that was pretty much the case with me regarding CBT.

I have never heard of ACT - I'll do some reading. Initial impression is that it would be quite challenging to detach from your thoughts and try feeling something else.

I hope you get what you need from ECT. If not, don't panic. Your time for recovery will come.

For what it's worth, you're always welcome to send me a private message on here

 

[t-rex]

Apologies for not replying sooner. I wanted to wait until I had some time free so that I could properly read what you had written

No worries! I appreciate your thoughtfulness.

I have never heard of ACT - I'll do some reading. Initial impression is that it would be quite challenging to detach from your thoughts and try feeling something else.

Yeah, look it up. It borrows heavily from Buddhism, employing mindfulness extensively. The idea isn't really to "feel something else". It's just the opposite: to accept your feelings as they are, not to push them away in fear. I forget who said it: "What you resist persists." So the goal of ACT is acceptance of nearly every emotional state that arises. Paradoxically, only then will it have a chance to change and go away. I love the idea, but I've struggled putting into practice in my normal life. (On meditation retreat, I have managed to get it to work. But I don't have that level of meditative prowess accessible to me in normal everyday life.)

I hope you get what you need from ECT. If not, don't panic. Your time for recovery will come.

Thank you. I am already anticipating the panic. I think it will devastate me if it doesn't work. But hopefully I can find something else, or get enrolled in some research trials to be someone's guinea pig for a new depression treatment or something.

For what it's worth, you're always welcome to send me a private message on here

Thanks, same to you! Again, really glad you're feeling so much better.

 

[TheBestUsernameEver]

Thanks, same to you! Again, really glad you're feeling so much better.

Thank you.

May I ask if it would be an idea for you to engage in something specific?
You mentioned walks previously however, being alone with your thoughts can go one way or the other.

 

[t-rex]

I went for a nice walk earlier. It helped. Now I'm drinking—not a great coping habit—but I'm not going to get excessive with it tonight. I feel in control.

 

[TheBestUsernameEver]

I went for a nice walk earlier. It helped. Now I'm drinking—not a great coping habit—but I'm not going to get excessive with it tonight. I feel in control.

I'm pleased you enjoyed your walk. I don't want to sound preachy but remember that alcohol is a depressant.

 

[t-rex]

I don't want to sound preachy but remember that alcohol is a depressant.

Yes I know. I'm working on it.