Venting eating disorder as a man

[Ear]

i am malnourished

i work 12 hour shifts none stop and people at work keep asking me if everything is okay, and why they never see me eat during lunch break, or join in whenever colleagues order pizza

and i fail miserably weaseling my way out of those conversations

i go days without eating, my bmi is currently <18.5

i weigh 59kg at 187cm

no visible fat reserves, just skin and bones

but for some reason every time i look in the mirror i see disgusting fat deposits that need to disappear, it's hard to explain how i see my own body, i know it's distorted and it is not actually there, but i just can't convince myself

now my teeth are rotting away, i feel exhausted, brain fog, i can't stand this season either because i am being literally murdered by the cold

its so hard to continue down this road, i want to stop and eat, but i can't, i simply can't

 

[maylurker]

damn its brutal. do you feel nausea when you wake up and anxiety throughout the day here and there like you are about to pass out?

 

[Ear]

damn its brutal. do you feel nausea when you wake up and anxiety throughout the day here and there like you are about to pass out?

i've passed out quite a few times, mainly getting up from laying down or sitting too long

anxiety is just my natural state, probably exacerbated by what i just described

 

[maylurker]

i've passed out quite a few times, mainly getting up from laying down or sitting too long

anxiety is just my natural state, probably exacerbated by what i just described

im skinny too but not to that extent and still i feel it greatly impacting my physical health. im sure that contributes heavily to your emotional wellbeing as well

 

[Alpacachino]

Seems like you have severe body dysmorphia like many bodybuilders do. I don't have that issue, but I do have an eating disorder. I seem to eat way too much at one particular time period and then compensate for it later with exercise and fasting.

 

[BillyBob]

i am malnourished

i work 12 hour shifts none stop and people at work keep asking me if everything is okay, and why they never see me eat during lunch break, or join in whenever colleagues order pizza

and i fail miserably weaseling my way out of those conversations

i go days without eating, my bmi is currently <18.5

i weigh 59kg at 187cm

no visible fat reserves, just skin and bones

but for some reason every time i look in the mirror i see disgusting fat deposits that need to disappear, it's hard to explain how i see my own body, i know it's distorted and it is not actually there, but i just can't convince myself

now my teeth are rotting away, i feel exhausted, brain fog, i can't stand this season either because i am being literally murdered by the cold

its so hard to continue down this road, i want to stop and eat, but i can't, i simply can't

I am the exact same as you. Feel your pain and fully understand what you are going through.
Sorry it is happening to you. When AN thoughts take over it controls your life and there is almost no escape from the thoughts going through your head.
Going on trips to get food is a nightmare in it's self, we need food to live but food is worse then the devil and is feared so much.
I take it you do not eat around anyone either.

I am a male with AN purge type and it has been bad for well over 5 years now.
My height is almost exactly the same as yours but I am lighter at 54kg and I have put on weight over the past 8 months since I have been put on bed rest and have not been allowed to do anything. (Lowest was 47kg not long ago so I have put on weight and are freaking out I am now trying to lose it all again and get back to my bmi of roughly 14.5-15)
Lost my job because of having to leave it because of my doctors.
Pretty much if I bent down and jump my vision went black and would almost collapse.

I only eat at night and nothing during the day.
Every night I eat roughly 8-10kg of food and purge it all.
Each Binge cycle per night lasts for 6 hours sadly.
Teeth are falling out now and many are missing.

So I know why you are here and are wanting to die. Anorexia has one of the highest suicide rates of every eating disorder because of how mentally and physically taxing it is.

Hell in the next few months I have to go to an eating disorder clinic which is why I am wanting to CTB before that happens again.
Lets just say my vitals dropped to a point that I was told to go to the hospital and get potassium infusions etc and they reported me back to mental health and now it was either getting locked in a ward or going to the clinic.

All I can do is wish you the best of luck with dealing with it currently and hope it does not morph anymore at all.
I know getting help as a male will be hard as no one really takes any male with an eating disorder seriously and most of it is designed for females which sucks.

 

[gunmetalblue]

I relate to your struggle. Always suffered from an eating disorder, but after a traumatic event eating solid foods is impossible. Last time I was checked my bmi is 17. I'm trying to gain wait so the medical team around me will stop being so concerned, and to avoid getting hospitalised and tubed. But it's hard. Protein shakes and liquid meals have been helpful, maybe if you get a pen and black out the calorie label and such it could help get some nutriments into you. I wish you a healthy recovery.