Venting Eaten from the Inside

[CptBBQ]

I feel like no Matter what I do Everything that I had for Me, all of my Soul, all of my Ambitions is Hollowing out. I can barely do AnyThing these days, even just Scrolling the Web feels oh so hard SomeTimes. I become More and More of a Shell each Passing Day. I can't Get to do Anything I plan to do, I lack the Willpower for Everything sometimes.. and Sometimes I lose Interest MidWay through. The Last Time I posted was a While ago when I tried to do the Beanbag RatChet thing to End my-life, I was too Stupid to do it Back then but it been Some years and I thought things have Gotten better. Some days my Head just feels like it Hurts so much from the Entire World and I can't do a Single thing.. I think if I had Multiple days like that I Might get Back to the HeadSpace of Suicide being the Only thing for me again and Become Truly and Utterly Hopeless like how I was when I lasted posted on the site. I can Barely even make any Friends as the Days Pass by oh so Quick, and Even if I do meet a New Person once in a Blue Moon I am too Shy to ever Respond back to them, I don't think I can Communicate Very Well I haven't had any Friends since Middle School, I pretty much went Mute in High-School. Almost all my Old Friends are gone, my Best Friend CTB around 5 months ago. I still have some Semblance of Hope I guess, even when Suicide goes through my Head EveryDay these Times even on the Happy Days. I haven't made any Serious Plans like I did back then.. but if I get to such a State of Despair again then I think I may Die and I don't Think I can Prevent that. Sometimes I think those years in the Sewer kept me stuck down to be a Trash Creature forever, and my Escape to the Surface was only a Temporary event. Maybe I will be Dragged back Down Forever.
I think My self Worth is dictated Towards trying to show the Beauty of the World, I just wish to Make even 1 person Happy so I don't feel worthless but this feels so Impossible, especially the more of a Shell i Become.
I just Don't know Anything at all.. i'm so Stupid in such a big World, i really can only Hope for miracles that may never come.

Edit: by the way sorry if I broke Any rules or anything, i haven't been on here in very long, please forgive me if it is so

 

[AkaRed]

I'm sorry you've been feeling this way, it's understandable and you're not alone. If at all, try and look towards the good things in life. Whatever your decision for yourself is, please make sure you're safe and that it's the right decision for you. I, too, often feel very hollow and dissatisfied with everything around me. Scrolling online, feeling helpless and endlessly wasting away doing nothing. It's a horrible feeling... but it's not made to last. I do think there is hope for you, and I can only wish you the best as a stranger on the other side. I'm sure you do make others happy, with or without realizing it. So chin up, okay? You got this!
<3

 

[FuneralCry]

It does sound really tiring what you have to endure, the reality is that life certainly is so unnecessarily cruel. But anyway I wish you the best.