Discussion Earliest you felt suicidal in life?

[detached]

When I was 6-7 years old I figured I don't wanna grow up to become an adult anymore. It's weird thinking that I only got 1 1/4 year left. And it's crazy that it's already been so long since I was that young.

 

[Aman Sharma]

I had suicidal thoughts when I was 13. It was because my crush told me that I look scary and I was underperforming in school. I was very bitter at 13. I thought I'd rather kill myself or kill the whole school!

 

[Angel1234]

I was about 13, or so. I actually tried to od but sadly it didn't work. :(

 

[Black Swan]

When I was around 14. But I don't really count times before the current one because I didn't even plan it. I wanted to impulsively do it (jumping) and then something would always stop me and I wouldn't.

Now I'm researching how to properly do it, exploring all the options and I want to make plans. It's because after some time in therapy and some events in my life, I can feel my emotions better and I feel agency and some freedom... So that was the first and only thing on my mind after I felt freedom, agency... It sounds really weird, but it's what's happened.

 

[xkidx]

i think around when i was 11

 

[Acornsonatree]

10, I took 5 vitamin d pills during the summer holidays then told my mum I want to die and was met with a "get a grip" shouting at.

 

[RayoSinSol]

Sometime between the end of elementary school and the end of middle school.

"What the hell kind of world am I being hurled into at such high speeds?! Oh no, I think I don't belong here...."

 

[Genetics]

Do you remember the first time you felt actively suicidal in your life? Or the first time you noticed that ctb was the largest overall option to follow?

I remember my first direct thought of ending myself, or causing enough harm to be fatal, was around the age 6 or 7. Maybe as early as 5, but I can't say for certain.

My first strong and genuine decision that I was going to die by ctb was around age 14 or 15, and I've stuck with it since.

Do you remember what life was like prior to this, or what caused your first thoughts and actions adjacent to ctb? I sure as hell can't remember mine haha.

My 1st thought of wanting "it" to end? I was 5. I'm 59 now and so exhausted. I've attempted several times before. In high school I took some unknown blue pills I stole from a lady I babysat for (probably birth control!), in the military but cutting my wrist, in high school in a purposeful car accident. Yesterday I put my gun to my temple for the 1st time. Safety on but still that's a feeling. My dad killed himself in 2013 using the bag and inert gas method. I'm still searching but I'm way past the passive suicide thoughts stage.