e l a t i o n

[N33dT0D13]

I actually feel really really good today!! I hung out with my godmom all night / morning and she was super nice and I've been dancing and singing and laughing all day and I still super wanna die!! It's honestly so funny to me X3

Like I was afraid of feeling happy again when I felt it cuz I was worried it would be a false hope but, it's so good... It's all I can think of lmao I know I can't kill myself but I can very easily isolate and do a bunch of dumb shit that could very easily end up with me dead and it might be fun! Like deadass maybe dying would exciting, like a rollercoaster! I thought I'd die on a rollercoaster, me and my best friend at that time's first real rollercoaster, I genuine thought it would launch me into the air and I'd fly fly flyyyyy then SPLAT lmao and it was awesome!! Terrified the shit outta me but it felt GREAT after and dying in certain ways could just be that without an "after" lmaooooo

Like even the shit that makes me happy is stupid as hell which both amuses me and makes me wanna die more lol watching this livestream and giggling thinking about being stabbed in my face and/or chest lmao, I'm genuinely so excited, my friend asked if everything's alright and I wanna tell him things are BETTER than alright, I feel perfect, but he... Well honestly 50/50 if he asks why, he might just accept that I'm happy and not pry further but I don't wanna risk him asking why I'm so happy cuz he so wouldn't get it lmao he's not even a normie but he soooo wouldn't get it like at all

But it's so good :D

It'll be so good X3

I don't plan on anyone knowing exactly what happened to me but maybe if my body is recovered with a smile on it, it'll make anyone who might theoretically be sad about it, less sad? lol I died doing what I loved, being an unstable piece of shit lmao, put on some clown makeup and go out and get mauled by wolves or smth XD

Like I'm not even lying, I'm genuinely so happy and also genuinely want to die so much, the human mind is a trip lol I wanna OD, maybe I can drink myself to death lmao XP

It honestly feels like falling in love again, it feels like the feeling I'd been missing lately... Life is funny~

Like I could just die at any moment, how fkn funny would it be if I dropped dead RIGHT FUCKING NOW XD

 

[kinderbueno]

I understand how you feel. Life feels like an endless circus, and I'm the main performer. It's all just meaningless, we're 1 in 8 billion. It's just so pathetic to the point it's funny. Don't do anything rash though, if you're gonna ctb then plan it out carefully

 

[N33dT0D13]

I love Mia Fey...
I'm finally gonna be the cool dead friend!!!
...to like one person but I also don't want him to know I'm dead but he knows me well enough that I can't just disappear without him assuming it uuuuugh... Pfft he'll get over it X3

That is hella selfish and I feel bad about it but it's also literally true so I feel a little less bad about it lol

Like it would break me if he stop being my friend but it feels like an inevitability and I don't wanna push him away nor make him think my mental health depends on him at this point so logically I guess I just wait out him getting tired of me, lay low, shut up about wanting to die... Ahhhhh I feel bad that I'd be deceiving him but only until me being gone wouldn't hurt him at all so it's all good!! But FUCK he's patient which makes me feel worse, I feel so bad for him, he deserves better, I'm like a virus I've infected his life nooooo

Yeh I'm becoming a hermit going forward lmao, no more duping poor nice people into trying to be my friends, then I die in some awesome wild fashion and it becomes a meme and no one is sad about it omg :D

YO IF I DRUG MYSELF THEN FALL INTO A VOLCANO THERE'D BE LIKE NO TRACE OF ME LEFT RIGHT SO NO ONE WOULD KNOOOOOW, I can save up enough money for a one way plane to Hawaii... Chill on the beach, play in the ocean, maybe pet a dolphin, die in a volcano, hell yeah :D

 

[Imagined_Euphoria]

I understand how you feel. Life feels like an endless circus, and I'm the main performer. It's all just meaningless, we're 1 in 8 billion. It's just so pathetic to the point it's funny. Don't do anything rash though, if you're gonna ctb then plan it out carefully

I feel like I'm the circus clown that just wants to get out of the spotlight but the drunk director whips me back into line while the audience is howling like manic wolves at my prolonged demise called life

 

[kinderbueno]

Wanting to be free of suffering isn't selfish. It's completely understandable, so don't worry about being selfish

 

[N33dT0D13]

Wanting to be free of suffering isn't selfish. It's completely understandable, so don't worry about being selfish

I mean... I kind of enjoy suffering because I deserve it and hate myself so it's complicated lol

Like... Ugh I wanna convince my friend that me suffering and disappearing is a good thing but I don't think I can and I don't wanna worry him... So I won't!! All routes feel selfish so I pick feelgood drift apart selfish instead of worry him selfish or just... FUCK THAT MEANS I DO HAVE TO WAIT IT OUT NOOOOO I WANNA DIE NOW WHILE THESE SONGS / REMIXES ARE STILL NEW AND NOT OLD IN MY BRAIN YET AND I'M STILL HAPPY I WANNA DIE NOOOOOW

 

[kinderbueno]

I feel like I'm the circus clown that just wants to get out of the spotlight but the drunk director whips me back into line while the audience is howling like manic wolves at my prolonged demise called life

That's a good way to describe it. I'm sorry you feel that way though :( its awful how we have to suffer through life while the rest of the world sees us as losers with mental problems

I mean... I kind of enjoy suffering because I deserve it and hate myself so it's complicated lol

Like... Ugh I wanna convince my friend that me suffering and disappearing is a good thing but I don't think I can and I don't wanna worry him... So I won't!! All routes feel selfish so I pick feelgood drift apart selfish instead of worry him selfish or just... FUCK THAT MEANS I DO HAVE TO WAIT IT OUT NOOOOO I WANNA DIE NOW WHILE THESE SONGS / REMIXES ARE STILL NEW AND NOT OLD IN MY BRAIN YET AND I'M STILL HAPPY I WANNA DIE NOOOOOW

That's actually kinda relatable. Enjoying suffering is why I got hooked on self harm. I'm sorry you feel like you hate yourself :(
I know how you feel. I wish I could persuade my close friends that dying would be the best option for me

 

[N33dT0D13]

...I've gotten to a point where nothing really makes me happy besides thinking about dying lol, I'm playing cards and drinking tea and popping pills with my godmom rn and I have my earphones in listening to songs about heartache and depression and dying lmao, feels oddly nice