Discussion dying while happy?

[willitpass]

ever since i became suicidal i have come into the pattern of wanting to ctb while out of a depressive episode. i know that no matter what i will end up back in a depressive episode, my life has been like this for 10 years now, over half my life. so why not crv when i am out of a rut and happy rather than die while i feel miserable. anyone else feel that way?

 

[stygal]

I feel like it's much easier to get into a "ctb mindset" while depressed as it seems to be the only way out of ones misery.

Whereas whenever Im happy I tend to want to keep being happy and my SI would be much harder to overcome.

But all in all it seems more "enjoyable" to have a "good time" before ending it all and maybe leave the world with some positive thoughts instead of being full of hate/despair/depression.

 

[GentleJerk]

Yes, I understand this. I can't help but feel like the state of mind one is in when they die is important. If someone can manage to feel happy as they pass away I imagine that would matter somehow and be much better.

 

[Chiisai]

ever since i became suicidal i have come into the pattern of wanting to ctb while out of a depressive episode. i know that no matter what i will end up back in a depressive episode, my life has been like this for 10 years now, over half my life. so why not crv when i am out of a rut and happy rather than die while i feel miserable. anyone else feel that way?

Awww same here! Thats one of the reasons ive been saving money aside from leaving my family with something. How nice would it be to be out on the beach or mountains, having your last vices, taking one last look at the sunsetand bask in it then pass on.
Dont want to end up a vengeful spirit so id rather pass on happy haha.

 

[Luchs]

I wish I killed myself in early 2019. My life was happy then. I was in a great relationship, and had a lot of friends which I've lost since. My plan is that if things ever look up again I'll just bite the bullet when they are good enough to make me happy again.

 

[Chiisai]

I wish I killed myself in early 2019. My life was happy then. I was in a great relationship, and had a lot of friends which I've lost since. My plan is that if things ever look up again I'll just bite the bullet when they are good enough to make me happy again.

I feel you. Though such is life. We can never know whats ahead.

 

[soundsinteresting]

It's called quitting while ahead. Pro gamer move.

 

[myopybyproxy]

Nice in theory, but happiness is fleeting and I know the usual mental bullshit will soon return. In those rare moments of joy, I don't usually wish to be dead. If I die happy, it will probably be due to an accident or a sudden fatal illness rather than by my own hand.

 

[yo_no_soy_el_pollo2]

If you're just looking for short term happiness (like for the day of), you could try some sort of a drug high. I'm in a depressive episode now, and I definitely feel pretty good with even a low opiod dose (actually too high of a dose can be too sedating and not happy, in my experience). Mixing opiod with benzos can be better but that seems to depend on the day for me. Taking opiods and clonazepam in the evening seems to make the next day (at least the morning) pretty reliably good.

If you don't have opiod access, you might experiment with kratom, which you can order legally online. The problem with kratom is that there are so many choices, and at least for me, the majority of them make me feel crappy. The dosage is also not necessarily straightforward, as lower doses act very different than higher doses. Usually, lower doses are more stimulating and higher doses are more sedating. If I take too high of a dose, mentally I feel terrible. My personal favorites are red bentuangie (4g), red kapuas (3g), and red sumatra (2g).

There are also stimulants, but I don't have access to any of those (I don't have any illegal drug access, all I have is what is prescribed to me), so I can't speak to them.

 

[Lost Magic]

If you're just looking for short term happiness (like for the day of), you could try some sort of a drug high. I'm in a depressive episode now, and I definitely feel pretty good with even a low opiod dose (actually too high of a dose can be too sedating and not happy, in my experience). Mixing opiod with benzos can be better but that seems to depend on the day for me. Taking opiods and clonazepam in the evening seems to make the next day (at least the morning) pretty reliably good.

If you don't have opiod access, you might experiment with kratom, which you can order legally online. The problem with kratom is that there are so many choices, and at least for me, the majority of them make me feel crappy. The dosage is also not necessarily straightforward, as lower doses act very different than higher doses. Usually, lower doses are more stimulating and higher doses are more sedating. If I take too high of a dose, mentally I feel terrible. My personal favorites are red bentuangie (4g), red kapuas (3g), and red sumatra (2g).

There are also stimulants, but I don't have access to any of those (I don't have any illegal drug access, all I have is what is prescribed to me), so I can't speak to them.

I take Kratom. The Red Borneo, strain, helps a little with my depression.

 

[fatefulstillness]

I feel this too. I want to leave while things are still good, when I'm still in control and real. Or maybe I'm closer to dying that I'm willing to admit, and this is me trying to come to terms with it. I don't know. I'm tired.

 

[yo_no_soy_el_pollo2]

I take Kratom. The Red Borneo, strain, helps a little with my depression.

I tried red borneo, and while it makes me feel pretty good right after taking it, the next morning my mood is much worse and my pain threshold is lowered. I actually didn't take kratom for a long time because that's the first one I tried. But after doing some research it seemed that the effects can vary drastically, I decided to give it another go. Glad I did. I've probably spent close to a grand on trying different types of kratom, my deep freeze is half full of it. The majority of them make me feel unwell, actually.

 

[SuicidallyCurious]

Main reason I want to CTB is because I feel I have completed life. I more or less feel like I have figured out everything I needed to figure out here . I'm not depressed or even sad every day

 

[demuic]

I have been thinking about this. Lately I have been in a bad mood a lot and I don't want to CTB while my emotional state is still filled with so many bad feelings and I am acutely reminded of all the things that disgust me about humans and being alive. I would like to surround myself in my last few weeks with the few things that can still elicit a positive emotion from me, and remove as much as I can the reminders of things that put me in a bad state.

 

[dreadpirateroberts69]

I feel the same way. I do think it would be more difficult to ctb while in a happy phase as when I'm one of those I tend to want to keep going for as long as possible for my family and friends. I would feel even more guilty ctb if I wasn't "sad enough" because I know it will completely destroy my parents, sister, and best friend for a long time. Therefore I feel like I would have to be in a certain amount of pain in order to justify causing that kind of pain to them. It's tricky.

 

[allesistgut]

i've been having very similar thoughts. it also makes me feel like if i go when i'm not majorly depressed then i really know i'm ready or something? idk.