When I have to act happy and give my fake laughter I feel like something dies inside myself. When I was at this party several weeks ago I acted completely happy. First the auto-suggestion helped me but in the longrun I felt like a fraud. Entertaining people without being able to admit my pain felt horrible for me. The more the people know around me the easier it is for me to be in a genuinely good mood. At this party there were two people who knew my pain. This was the sole reason I could act that well.
My loneliness also breaks my heart. I die a thousand deaths when I feel like I will never be in a relationship. Being lonely also feels sometimes like dying inside myself. Sharing my thoughts on here helps though.
A crash from mania or psychosis into major depression feels like dying inside.
Trying to be strong and resilient over a very long time despite the fact you are vulnerable and weak. This is real attrition (?) and makes my soul puke. I never used that word on English I might misused it.
Realizing that poverty will be my future without any escape. Knowing there is no escape except suicide. Waiting for the end to come slowly and painfully.
Being given up by my therapists. Realizing the staff of the psychiatry distanced themselves towards me. It felt like something pulled the rug out from my feet.
Thinking about my desperation which stems from rational analysis about my future prospects (not solely influenced by depression)
Thinking about people who already committed suicide and that I feel slighty destined to follow their path
Trying to approach committing suicide - I did partial and stood at the balcony of a 7th floor - I felt nightmarish while doing that
Losing a loved one - or a notion one once had about a person one liked or had imagined a future with
Listening to stories of people who were tortured their whole life, life spit them in their faces and in the end they found no other option than to commit suicide
Realizing one will never be together with another person who one truely loves
Losing your life quality irreversibly or being unable to change your fate
Thinkg about the past full of abuse and bullying knowing how much damage that did to you and realizing how unjust life in generally is
Maybe that is too hyperbole. Maybe I should have been more specific but I feel very fucking depressed and sad in this moment with barely any relief. I might elaborate on what happened in the future.
My loneliness also breaks my heart. I die a thousand deaths when I feel like I will never be in a relationship. Being lonely also feels sometimes like dying inside myself. Sharing my thoughts on here helps though.
A crash from mania or psychosis into major depression feels like dying inside.
Trying to be strong and resilient over a very long time despite the fact you are vulnerable and weak. This is real attrition (?) and makes my soul puke. I never used that word on English I might misused it.
Realizing that poverty will be my future without any escape. Knowing there is no escape except suicide. Waiting for the end to come slowly and painfully.
Being given up by my therapists. Realizing the staff of the psychiatry distanced themselves towards me. It felt like something pulled the rug out from my feet.
Thinking about my desperation which stems from rational analysis about my future prospects (not solely influenced by depression)
Thinking about people who already committed suicide and that I feel slighty destined to follow their path
Trying to approach committing suicide - I did partial and stood at the balcony of a 7th floor - I felt nightmarish while doing that
Losing a loved one - or a notion one once had about a person one liked or had imagined a future with
Listening to stories of people who were tortured their whole life, life spit them in their faces and in the end they found no other option than to commit suicide
Realizing one will never be together with another person who one truely loves
Losing your life quality irreversibly or being unable to change your fate
Thinkg about the past full of abuse and bullying knowing how much damage that did to you and realizing how unjust life in generally is
Maybe that is too hyperbole. Maybe I should have been more specific but I feel very fucking depressed and sad in this moment with barely any relief. I might elaborate on what happened in the future.
