Venting dying faster via drug abuse + questioning life in league of legends

[iloveyouihateyou]

i've been so miserable with life for years now (big surprise) so for about 5 years now i've just been coping by recklessly doing drugs with no regard for myself, my health, or my safety. i've been wanting to ctb so fucking badly for so long but honestly i'm too afraid to go through with it, and for some reason a part of me doesn't want my younger siblings to find out that i offed myself. so for the longest time i've just been spending an absurd amount on substances probably 1000s of dollars at this point just to make being alive more "fun". i try to do anything i can get minus anything with needles (i'm afraid of them) in hopes that eventually my body breaks down and i die "naturally" like that. it's weird like i teeter on the line of overdosing and being alive, i do my research as to not OD and i've kind of just been living like this for years now. i ask myself why i don't just OD on something to ctb but like i said earlier i don't want my siblings to find that i've "killed myself". it's been one of the only things stopping me from going through with my ideations, they are both so young and i'm nearly 10 years older than them.

i'm often confused by myself thinking one day i might regret this behaviour, like if things somehow turned out and i wanted to live longer. but i don't know i just really don't think i have a chance the longer life goes on, i'm still pretty young but i just don't see myself ever winning this battle with life and myself. people tell me that time heals all but no one around me ever talks about how to get through the present day. like sure guys i'll just suffer everyday for the next 20 years cause somehow i'll figure it all out if i wait!.. no disrespect to anyone who has been able to stick it through, those people certainly have a stronger will than i do but the amount of times people have told me they waited things out makes me feel hopeless. like is that really all anyone can do to ease the burden of being alive? is that just something that comes with growing up? accepting that you have no choice but to live for others around you? i've been reaching out to and having lots of conversations with people, primarily slightly older people about how they got through the years and this has been one of the primary answers i've been getting. is that really what everyone does? is there really no solution to the hurting that people feel every single day?

i've been so desperately lonely recently that i've started asking people about life in (this is gonna sound hilarious) league of legends text chat every few games. i'll open with, "have any of you ever felt lonely in life?" and out of 9 other people i often get 4-5 people responding with yes. and then i ask them, "do you think it ever gets better than this?" and so many people have told me they don't believe it does and that the best one can do is just accept the madness of life. i ask these questions in chat basically every day i play and i just find all these lonely people pop out of their hiding holes for a second to chime in that they're also suffering. like i said i've been desperately lonely so i started asking these questions in hopes of really just finding a friend who's going through what i am. i haven't made any but it feels nice to just tell the world you're hurting and then getting the chance to have a small chat over it. it never lasts long but it's given me alot of perspective and it also feels nice to talk to random people for a little bit. i just air myself out and say the most funny depressing ironic shit knowing i'll likely never speak to anyone in the lobby afterwards. it's definitely been my most interesting idea to come from this immense level of loneliness i'm experiencing.

it's honestly so sad to hear all these people suffering trying to drown it out in videogames (as i do myself), i don't know what i was expecting but i didn't expect to get so many genuine responses to my questions. especially in a game with such a notoriously toxic community like league of legends. i rarely see people say anything "human like" in game chat nowadays so luring these people out with a question about loneliness really makes me think alot. like how many people in this world are lonely like me? people that never say a word about it and just live on as they've been told to, waiting years and years in hopes of finding their peace (which i really hope these people do). it also makes me wonder about all the people that don't feel alone, i'm really jealous of their independence honestly. i don't know why i want to feel validated or heard so badly. i feel like it's normal to want those things and to go without it hurts but it's weird i've spoken to alot of people who don't think so. maybe they already have all the people and ears they want and they don't understand what it's like to really be alone.

i've been feeling lonely for so long. so so long i've felt misunderstood by the rest of "normal" society and even when i try to fit in with others, i can't integrate as well as everyone else does. i really have tried, like i've genuinely improved my social skills so much over the years and i'm proud of myself, but i still can never find my place. i think it's cause i often share how hurt i am to others, in the hopes that someone will listen to me or understand, that someone might see through it and see that i'm just a person too but nah.. it's been feeling like 1 in a million to meet people who can actually stomach speaking about this sort of stuff with me regularly. i get it's depressing as fuck to listen to me even i can see that but i don't know, what do people even talk about all day? the weather, maybe their ambitions, their relationships. shows. sports. but feelings? the real thing you're experiencing everyday? your cry for help? your request for comfort or a hand... with what i've been experiencing it seems like most people don't even think about their emotions with how negatively they react to me. i don't even make it about "asking for specific help from x", all i ask is for some company and someone to have a human conversation with but i don't know man, i feel so unlucky to be one of the few (more like many) that have to deal with negative emotions day to day. why did it have to be me? why can't i just be anybody else? why must i be silent about it all whjen it's real? i know i'm not perfect, miles from it, but i wish people would still see me as a person worth speaking to.

but yeah with that i've just been doing all of this stuff inbetween or while on any pills, smokes or drinks that i can get my hands on. honestly, i love being high and getting fucked up so so much. hell, it even gives me something to talk about with other people. being high feels so much better than suffering in silence everyday, talking to myself and listening to my thoughts. atleast with drugs i can feel something other than the emptiness i feel every single day. i know i want it all to end, i've known it myself for years and even when i try to challenge that thinking i always come back to accepting that at some point in life i'm probably going to ctb. i just can't fathom living for 30, 40, 50 years... i genuinely have to hold my laughter when i think of living that long. really what's the point when the people in your life don't seem to care about you? i wouldn't know.

all i know is that i've been doing this "long form method" of ctb for about 5 years now. i set my sights on this idea of leaving this earth this way when i was 17-18. assuming i don't just drop dead from what i do, i would probably just knife myself if i knew that my body was past the point of functionality. it's really weird to me, like how i decided so early to kill myself off this way. i think it's the knowledge that drugs are fun but unhealthy long term that brought me to this idea. it's basically the embodiment of "here for a good time, not a long time"... i know i'm not gonna make it, so i might aswell do what people that want long fruitful lives would never do. i'm sure someone else has gone through with this sort of idea before but in my life i've never heard anyone tell me about something like this, most people i know won't even touch smoking/drinking (which i respect of course) so i just feel like i must be a bit of a strange case, atleast when i compare myself to people i've met. not that it's anything to boast over of course. it's as ridiculous as it sounds but this is just how i choose to live my life and this is how it'll end eventually too.


if you read all of this, thank you. if anyone has any opinions on what i said, or any thoughts/answers to the multitude of questions i've asked i would be really happy to hear it.

i hope you have a chill day today, thank you for your time

 

[ForgottenAgain]

So interesting to see another person that has asked those kinds of questions in LoL. I've done that too and yes, I always play when I'm very sad and I haven't had in game chat turned on for years now because of the toxicity, so I asked these questions during draft.

Regarding waiting it out, I think it's bs. I've been doing that + therapy for 17 years to deal with grief in my life and I still ugly cry when I think about the people that died, which is daily. I'm also terrified of my bf dying suddenly as a lot of people in my life died suddenly.

My father didn't do therapy and after my mother's death he decided that "time heals all wounds" so now he is a very unpleasant person to be around who also doesn't clean his house at all even though he would shout at me for having a thin layer of dust in my bedroom when I was young and severely depressed. He is sad every day but believes that being sad = being old so there's nothing wrong with him!

I think it vastly depends on the kind of person you are. If you're naturally optimistic maybe yes, waiting it out will fix you. If you're not and if you had several tragedies in your life or few but very intense, then...yeah you're screwed.

I'm also very lonely, longing for some connection, I've searched so much and there's nothing out there. Just useless helplines where you feel like you're talking to either a robot or to yourself in the mirror.

Also, no one cares about adults. Support only exist for either elders or teens as every support group runs during work hours and if you live in a semi rural community well...yeah, prepare to die alone.

 

[iloveyouihateyou]

So interesting to see another person that has asked those kinds of questions in LoL. I've done that too and yes, I always play when I'm very sad and I haven't had in game chat turned on for years now because of the toxicity, so I asked these questions during draft.

Regarding waiting it out, I think it's bs. I've been doing that + therapy for 17 years to deal with grief in my life and I still ugly cry when I think about the people that died, which is daily. I'm also terrified of my bf dying suddenly as a lot of people in my life died suddenly.

My father didn't do therapy and after my mother's death he decided that "time heals all wounds" so now he is a very unpleasant person to be around who also doesn't clean his house at all even though he would shout at me for having a thin layer of dust in my bedroom when I was young and severely depressed. He is sad every day but believes that being sad = being old so there's nothing wrong with him!

I think it vastly depends on the kind of person you are. If you're naturally optimistic maybe yes, waiting it out will fix you. If you're not and if you had several tragedies in your life or few but very intense, then...yeah you're screwed.

I'm also very lonely, longing for some connection, I've searched so much and there's nothing out there. Just useless helplines where you feel like you're talking to either a robot or to yourself in the mirror.

Also, no one cares about adults. Support only exist for either elders or teens as every support group runs during work hours and if you live in a semi rural community well...yeah, prepare to die alone.

no way that's actually so funny that i'm not the only one who's done that, it feels like such an odd thing to do in a game like this, i only just started playing again and i haven't really experienced any real toxicity. it's only been silence, ignoring, or responses to what i say. maybe you could try talking again, it doesn't seem as bad as it used to be as someone who used to play it every day in it's earlier days. i ask when i load in cause i /all chat the question

and yeah i hear you, i really don't know about waiting it out. i always figured that things like deaths and the like i would never get over, it's strange how people move on so quickly from dead loved ones, i honestly think those people never really cared if they can move on so quickly. i hope that your boyfriend can stay alive as long as you, to add to the topic my friend who passed in 2022 left behind her boyfriend and she was only 21, i can't even imagine the pain her boyfriend felt :(

your dad sounds like an interesting person.. sounds like an old dad like mine and seemingly everyone else i know. it seems like parents say and do the weirdest stuff at least in my experience. if being sad = being old then mentally i must be millions of years old, maybe nearing immortality status (please no)

i also agree i've spoken with some friends and those that say to wait it out, no disrespect to anyone's pasts, have had seemingly easier times or more positive outlooks/prospects. or hell maybe they just didn't wanna die and that's okay too, personally i feel like i'm too screwed to wait it out. i wanna speed it up lol

i'm sorry to hear that you've been so lonely too, people talk about how we live in a "loneliness epidemic" and i feel like it's so true, people seem so distant and cruel despite the fact that we're all really just trying to get by in our own ways. being lonely hurts so much, i'm sure you already know it by now, for me it feels like being cornered and having no place to run. it's just so miserable. i've only ever called a hotline twice and i was fortunate to have some good experiences with it, but perhaps it's because of my small sample size. i've heard alot of bad hotline stories, like one time my friend told me that she called a hotline and instead of feeling less sad she was just so angry after that she forgot she was sad for a little. that's so crazy to me

and yeah atleast when i was a teen people cared a bit more that i was suicidal or doing things slowly, now that i'm an adult i just get shit all day from my parents and stared at like i'm crazy for talking about these thoughts, like just cause i aged doesn't mean my problems go away magically. all i can think is what the fuck are these people even thinking... i just assume they have no self awareness or something trauma related idfk.

and i hear what you're saying about the semi-rural community thing... if you live in one, then look on the brightside! i live in the middle of a bustling city and i'm still probably gonna die alone too LOL