BasqueClown
Zirkua ata heriotza
- Jun 9, 2022
- 121
Hi, I'm Basqueclown and I'm suicidal, how are you? (
Anyway, I already discuss here all my mental and personal struggles in previous posts, but in this weekend I realize something:
If I die here in my current country that I'm living (Brazil), for whatever reason (Specially suicide), how will my body will be handled?
I mean, I don't start reading about legislation or something else because I'm trying not to think of it (For my recovery sake) but I realize: does really worth it die away from home?
Will I bury here? My family and friends will create a GoFundMe for cost my corpse or ashes shipping? Who will supervise my body recognition on morgue? Will the authorities notify to my family contact or embassy or something?
This tecnically put "on hold" my suicidal plans, but anyway, I'm seriously considering return to Europe, but I don't want to be a dependent from my brother there (Or at least in the first months), since he lives in a small apartment with his wife and my niece, also my sister in law is RELIGIOUS and consequently homofobic as fuck (Same church, Adventist), and well, I know my bro loves me and he don't care to borrow a matress or sofa but anyway...
The other remote possibility will be to stay in my maternal aunt in France with my cousin, since her and my cousin are not religious anymore but it's complicated to stay in rural region for me (I don't know where I can work here)
In any scenario most of my family will be heartbroken if I kill myself, I know, but: WIll be "easier" to die in my country?
I give me 1 year, 1 year to improve until june 31 2023 to improve or at least reduce my mental instability
But!
I'm afraid to be in psychiatric hospital there if I told the whole truth
I'm in conflict of thoughts right now. Yeah, I like Brazil, yeah people are nice to me and some of the girls on residence talk to me and give me some kind of friendship or love but... in contrast, it's the country of my ex (Altrough I'm not trying to thinking that she's searching me, nobody knows)
Europe seems the recovery path to me but at the same time I don't know will be happen there (And I'm also skip my tax declarations for 3 fucking years in both countries lol)
Recovering here seems a regular option since I'm hoping to change job or have the permanent residence, perhaps it's the comfort zone (Not intent to offend you dear brazilian members)
Oh, and IN NO FUCKING SCENARIO I will visit my father... yeah once a month he called me but I don't want to live with him since he doesn't talk with my step mother about all the shit that she talked to me before I come to Brazil (Like the bullshit "Oh, the writer has found a job, hallelujah!" FUCK I want to punch her in that family gathering, even was in "joke" intention)
I'm afraid that I'm broken definitely and irreversible in any side of the world I'll be happy again, or maybe I'm being too hard to myself like MY FUCKING EX treated me?
Also I'm kinda short to buy the ticket so I will need to ask again for money, since I asked in 2018, and maybe again and again: Basqueclown the poor one, the disgrace of the family, the one who get into the land of the sin (That's the kinda words that my dad told as he thinks that all Brazil are Samba and Carnival and Rio de Janeiro lol), and get a girlfriend and a job and was fired in the pandemics... (Okay, I didn't told any of my suicide attempt, only told to my bro that I broke with her), and she returns like a beggar...
I admit it: I hate my family, but at the same time they could be part of my recovery part, despite my agnostic position and disfellowshipped from church...
Or I'll die here in south hemisfere?
Anyway, I already discuss here all my mental and personal struggles in previous posts, but in this weekend I realize something:
If I die here in my current country that I'm living (Brazil), for whatever reason (Specially suicide), how will my body will be handled?
I mean, I don't start reading about legislation or something else because I'm trying not to think of it (For my recovery sake) but I realize: does really worth it die away from home?
Will I bury here? My family and friends will create a GoFundMe for cost my corpse or ashes shipping? Who will supervise my body recognition on morgue? Will the authorities notify to my family contact or embassy or something?
This tecnically put "on hold" my suicidal plans, but anyway, I'm seriously considering return to Europe, but I don't want to be a dependent from my brother there (Or at least in the first months), since he lives in a small apartment with his wife and my niece, also my sister in law is RELIGIOUS and consequently homofobic as fuck (Same church, Adventist), and well, I know my bro loves me and he don't care to borrow a matress or sofa but anyway...
The other remote possibility will be to stay in my maternal aunt in France with my cousin, since her and my cousin are not religious anymore but it's complicated to stay in rural region for me (I don't know where I can work here)
In any scenario most of my family will be heartbroken if I kill myself, I know, but: WIll be "easier" to die in my country?
I give me 1 year, 1 year to improve until june 31 2023 to improve or at least reduce my mental instability
But!
I'm afraid to be in psychiatric hospital there if I told the whole truth
I'm in conflict of thoughts right now. Yeah, I like Brazil, yeah people are nice to me and some of the girls on residence talk to me and give me some kind of friendship or love but... in contrast, it's the country of my ex (Altrough I'm not trying to thinking that she's searching me, nobody knows)
Europe seems the recovery path to me but at the same time I don't know will be happen there (And I'm also skip my tax declarations for 3 fucking years in both countries lol)
Recovering here seems a regular option since I'm hoping to change job or have the permanent residence, perhaps it's the comfort zone (Not intent to offend you dear brazilian members)
Oh, and IN NO FUCKING SCENARIO I will visit my father... yeah once a month he called me but I don't want to live with him since he doesn't talk with my step mother about all the shit that she talked to me before I come to Brazil (Like the bullshit "Oh, the writer has found a job, hallelujah!" FUCK I want to punch her in that family gathering, even was in "joke" intention)
I'm afraid that I'm broken definitely and irreversible in any side of the world I'll be happy again, or maybe I'm being too hard to myself like MY FUCKING EX treated me?
Also I'm kinda short to buy the ticket so I will need to ask again for money, since I asked in 2018, and maybe again and again: Basqueclown the poor one, the disgrace of the family, the one who get into the land of the sin (That's the kinda words that my dad told as he thinks that all Brazil are Samba and Carnival and Rio de Janeiro lol), and get a girlfriend and a job and was fired in the pandemics... (Okay, I didn't told any of my suicide attempt, only told to my bro that I broke with her), and she returns like a beggar...
I admit it: I hate my family, but at the same time they could be part of my recovery part, despite my agnostic position and disfellowshipped from church...
Or I'll die here in south hemisfere?
