Venting Drunk Rant

[Malletboy]

I can't do this shit anymore. I'm finally completely off my meds and im quickly reminded why I was on them in the first place. I feel like my brain is under attack 70% of the day. I hardly can get out of bed or leave my room and have 0 drive to work on my music. Everything is dark and hopeless until that 30%. And then I feel normal, as if nothing is wrong and Ill somehow make it to 2021 and move to LA and things will be good. But then that wave of depression kicks in and reminds me that none of that is possible.

And now my latest obsession is the worry that my meto will be intercepted at customs and I won't even get this escape I've been planning for.

 

[Moonicide]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this, love... Lately I've been fighting urge to drink over here as well.
You shouldn't have to do or deal with anything you don't want to. I think that's what makes ctb so comforting.. When shit hits the fan all I can think about is, hey, if I fuck this up I can just die. That's perfectly fine... May I ask is there a reason why you went off your medication? Because it seems like they were helping a little bit. Do you also deal with mood shifts? Because if you're saying you go from not being able to function to then feeling normal, it could possibly be Bipolar. I'm not a professional though. It's just I relate very much so, your emotions and struggles resonate with me and I'm Bipolar 2.

I do not know your story, but my heart goes out to you. And if there are any other options left before ctb, then maybe it's something to look into. Because it seems you're wavering a bit with it.

As for Meto, are you out of the U.S. by any chance? I know things get a bit tricky for people outside of the U.S. trying obtain Meto along with getting SN. I hate the fact we have to jump through so many hoops just to be able to ctb peacefully. I got my Meto internationally and I was freaking out about it, but it arrived safely within a week. I hope it will be the same outcome for you.

Sending you lots of love and support.
We're here for you.

 

[Malletboy]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this, love... Lately I've been fighting urge to drink over here as well.
You shouldn't have to do or deal with anything you don't want to. I think that's what makes ctb so comforting.. When shit hits the fan all I can think about is, hey, if I fuck this up I can just die. That's perfectly fine... May I ask is there a reason why you went off your medication? Because it seems like they were helping a little bit. Do you also deal with mood shifts? Because if you're saying you go from not being able to function to then feeling normal, it could possibly be Bipolar. I'm not a professional though. It's just I relate very much so, your emotions and struggles resonate with me and I'm Bipolar 2.

I do not know your story, but my heart goes out to you. And if there are any other options left before ctb, then maybe it's something to look into. Because it seems you're wavering a bit with it.

As for Meto, are you out of the U.S. by any chance? I know things get a bit tricky for people outside of the U.S. trying obtain Meto along with getting SN. I hate the fact we have to jump through so many hoops just to be able to ctb peacefully. I got my Meto internationally and I was freaking out about it, but it arrived safely within a week. I hope it will be the same outcome for you.

Sending you lots of love and support.
We're here for you.

I've drank so much in the last two months that one of my friends is worried I've become an alcoholic. Yeah, my mood shifts are very binary and happen pretty quickly. But I don't think I'm bipolar because I don't experience long periods of mania. I experience mania in very short bursts and I don't do anything reckless or make bad financial decisions (or all the other things associated with being manic). Just an extremely great mood for maybe an hour or so. But maybe my understanding of bpd is incorrect.

I came off my meds because 1.) they weren't working effectively like they were supposed to 2.) I didn't want them to interact with any drugs I took to ctb 3.) guarantee that I'd 100% want to ctb when the time came. My meds stopped working a couple months ago and they essentially were doing the bare minimum while I continued to take them.

In all honesty, I'm exhausted from this 6 yr battle with depression. I can't seem to handle much more, it's emotionally painful and debilitating. Not to mention all of the self-hate I've been harboring because of my body and all the messed up mistakes ive made in my past. I'm just ready to get off this earth.

I'm actually in the US receiving my meto internationally and I'm worried that I won't get it.

Thank you for your kind words, Moon. You don't know just how far a lil support goes.

 

[Moonicide]

Of course, love. This is what the forum is here for, to be heard and provide support when possible.
I hear you... Been battling with MI for 15 years now, can't blame you for wanting to be at peace. You deserve it, we all do. Just breaks my heart to see we're all on the same boat here. But we'll be here for you until your very final days.

 

[Jean4]

May I suggest you get back on your meds. Not all will interact. Anything to keep you more comfortable.

 

[c824767]

I can't do this shit anymore. I'm finally completely off my meds and im quickly reminded why I was on them in the first place. I feel like my brain is under attack 70% of the day. I hardly can get out of bed or leave my room and have 0 drive to work on my music. Everything is dark and hopeless until that 30%. And then I feel normal, as if nothing is wrong and Ill somehow make it to 2021 and move to LA and things will be good. But then that wave of depression kicks in and reminds me that none of that is possible.

And now my latest obsession is the worry that my meto will be intercepted at customs and I won't even get this escape I've been planning for.

I have been to LA and it is HIGHLY overrated.

 

[sullengirl]

I hear you, and understand what that feels like. I'm sorry that the suffering is at that point. Can I ask: why LA? I find this area to be pretty unbearable... personally...

 

[c824767]

I hear you, and understand what that feels like. I'm sorry that the suffering is at that point. Can I ask: why LA? I find this area to be pretty unbearable... personally...

thanks for seconding

 

[IWIKAW]

I came off my meds because 1.) they weren't working effectively like they were supposed to 2.) I didn't want them to interact with any drugs I took to ctb 3.) guarantee that I'd 100% want to ctb when the time came. My meds stopped working a couple months ago and they essentially were doing the bare minimum while I continued to take them.

In all honesty, I'm exhausted from this 6 yr battle with depression. I can't seem to handle much more, it's emotionally painful and debilitating. Not to mention all of the self-hate I've been harboring because of my body and all the messed up mistakes ive made in my past. I'm just ready to get off this earth.

Are you me?

I've also recently gotten off my meds and i can finally cry and feel shit, but that includes the chronic depression i've been carrying the last 10 years.
Everyday is a fucking struggle, i feel amazing one second thinking i could do this ! and then i come to realization that i'm fucking kidding myself and i'm the same loser that i was yesterday.

 

[felix]

I can't do this shit anymore. I'm finally completely off my meds and im quickly reminded why I was on them in the first place. I feel like my brain is under attack 70% of the day. I hardly can get out of bed or leave my room and have 0 drive to work on my music. Everything is dark and hopeless until that 30%. And then I feel normal, as if nothing is wrong and Ill somehow make it to 2021 and move to LA and things will be good. But then that wave of depression kicks in and reminds me that none of that is possible.

And now my latest obsession is the worry that my meto will be intercepted at customs and I won't even get this escape I've been planning for.

completely me

 

[Malletboy]

Of course, love. This is what the forum is here for, to be heard and provide support when possible.
I hear you... Been battling with MI for 15 years now, can't blame you for wanting to be at peace. You deserve it, we all do. Just breaks my heart to see we're all on the same boat here. But we'll be here for you until your very final days.

I'm sorry, what's MI? It's tough man- I wish there was some universal get better pill for all of us to take that would scrub away all these problems. Life is quite the battle in and of itself. It's even shittier dealing with mental and physical disabilities.

May I suggest you get back on your meds. Not all will interact. Anything to keep you more comfortable.

Im planning on ctb in 2 weeks, by the time the meds kick back in (and hardly do their job) I'll be long gone. But I appreciate your support and concern for my comfort.

I have been to LA and it is HIGHLY overrated.

I'm a musician looking for a place concentrated with talent. The music hubs rn are Nashville, LA, NYC and Chicago. I'm in the northeast and can't bear to see another day of snow or cold. I have friends in LA and recently visited and highly enjoyed the scene there. Plus it'd be a COMPLETE change of scenery which I'm lacking. If I manage to make it on this earth for another year, my reward will be moving tf out of this spot and traveling straight to LA.

Are you me?

I've also recently gotten off my meds and i can finally cry and feel shit, but that includes the chronic depression i've been carrying the last 10 years.
Everyday is a fucking struggle, i feel amazing one second thinking i could do this ! and then i come to realization that i'm fucking kidding myself and i'm the same loser that i was yesterday.

I'm so sorry hear you're going through a rough time. I'm glad that you get it though- it's like someone's controlling this shit with a light switch and everything's fine for one moment but it all falls to shit within the next.

 

[BlueWidow]

I have been to LA and it is HIGHLY overrated.

I second that! I lived there for about a year and a half in the 1990s. Unfortunately, I moved there in April 1992 less than one week before the Rodney King riots broke out. I moved from a relatively small town in the Midwest and was already suffering culture shock, then I got to LA which is the biggest county in the United States, and the riots broke out. It was very scary, even though I was in the Valley and the riots were in what they call "LA Proper", which is in downtown LA. I watched most of it on TV like everyone else did, but knowing it was so close to me was very scary. And there was some rioting in the Valley as well. Not an experience I'd ever want to go through again.

 

[c824767]

I second that! I lived there for about a year and a half in the 1990s. Unfortunately, I moved there in April 1992 less than one week before the Rodney King riots broke out. I moved from a relatively small town in the Midwest and was already suffering culture shock, then I got to LA which is the biggest county in the United States, and the riots broke out. It was very scary, even though I was in the Valley and the riots were in what they call "LA Proper", which is in downtown LA. I watched most of it on TV like everyone else did, but knowing it was so close to me was very scary. And there was some rioting in the Valley as well. Not an experience I'd ever want to go through again.

PTSD