Drunk for first time

[pianoman37]

Last night I got drunk for the first time. I did it with a very close friend plus some other people that she was close with. We all went to a dance. I felt my self conscious leave. I felt all my defense mechanisms leave and I felt vulnerable. I thought my close friend would understand what I was going through but she just kept having fun while I stood there, trying not to cry. My mother died two years ago and she was my last close relationship, the last person on the earth I knew how to talk to. Drinking last night was so scary for me and I feel I am not ok. I had so many suicidal thoughts, I wanted to jump off a ledge. I felt the most potent amount of social isolation I have ever felt. I was in my own head entirely and I couldn't get out. What's worse is after the dance, I was crying all the way home which was a 40 min drive and no one noticed. I feel so lost and so sad. I decided that I will never let these people into my life again. My close friend was not my close friend. I wanna die.
I wrote in my notes while drunk this poem.
Don't friend anymore

She didn't help me

She didn't understand

I've been faking around her

It's not real

She has other friends

She doesn't need me

I am lonely

I have no real friends

I can't tell anyone

My family is broken

I am lost

I wanna kill myself

 

[RedDoor]

Im sorry about your mother, when i feel vulnerable the only thing i want is to just end it however painful it might be. There reason why i don't is because im terrified of what could happen next.

 

[Linda]

Last night I got drunk for the first time. I did it with a very close friend plus some other people that she was close with. We all went to a dance. I felt my self conscious leave. I felt all my defense mechanisms leave and I felt vulnerable. I thought my close friend would understand what I was going through but she just kept having fun while I stood there, trying not to cry. My mother died two years ago and she was my last close relationship, the last person on the earth I knew how to talk to. Drinking last night was so scary for me and I feel I am not ok. I had so many suicidal thoughts, I wanted to jump off a ledge. I felt the most potent amount of social isolation I have ever felt. I was in my own head entirely and I couldn't get out. What's worse is after the dance, I was crying all the way home which was a 40 min drive and no one noticed. I feel so lost and so sad. I decided that I will never let these people into my life again. My close friend was not my close friend. I wanna die.
I wrote in my notes while drunk this poem.
Don't friend anymore

She didn't help me

She didn't understand

I've been faking around her

It's not real

She has other friends

She doesn't need me

I am lonely

I have no real friends

I can't tell anyone

My family is broken

I am lost

I wanna kill myself

Alcohol does funny things to people, and I think everyone reacts differently to it. But the thoughts you have when drunk are best not taken too seriously. They tend to be too exaggerated. Fortunately, they usually go away when the alcohol has worn off. If you find that alcohol has a bad effect on you - and on some people it does - then the smart thing to do is never to drink alcohol. I had to give up all alcohol about 12 years ago, because of a medical condition. I find I don;t miss it at all, and I'm better off without it

 

[FuneralCry]

Life really is so unnecessarily cruel and it must be so awful being in that situation, it's certainly such a hellish world that we exist in where people suffer all through no fault of their own. I think it's true that you cannot trust and rely on people in this world, most people really don't care about others, they are too self centred for that. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[Aisley]

Your friend isn't your mother, lower your expectations. A crying drunk will be excused for being drunk. People won't be all like, oh honey what's wrong? They'll just think that it's the liquor talking. Your friend is probably (obv, I don't know her) probably still your friend. Just don't expect her to move worlds for you, or anything like that, you know?
Go a little easier on yourself, too. A night of balling your eyes out is ok. Expected, even. It could take the rest of your life to process such a loss.

 

[DeathMarch66]

Firstly I'm sorry for what you're going through and what you've been through. That being said because of my own life experiences and pertinent habits I have relating to the experience you described I felt obligated to share some of my thoughts relating to your experience.

I have abused and currently abuse a variety of substances of all of them I have the most issues with alcohol and nicotine by far, while contextually you could say they're the most innocent of my inventory they're more like old friends in a sense and they tend to sneak up on you.

Substances will only make you feel better if you are 1. Compatible with them and 2. If you have the right mindset, if you are looking for freedom and release the same effects you experienced will provide you with that feeling if you expect that. However if you go in with zero expectations most substances will just amplify what you're already feeling in an odd and twisted way which is what happened if your case.

That being said in regards to your friends you're right they should've noticed your change in behavior and you crying especially in the drunk state you were in. If I were you I'd let them go live your life and those who deserve you will find you. I appreciate you sharing your experiences, good luck with whatever decisions you make in regards to your future.

 

[parader]

i'm so sorry your first time was such a bad one <//3
drinking makes my unpredictable nature even more unpredictable
sometimes i'm on a bad day and drinking makes me feel better, sometimes it makes me feel worse and greatly suicidal
it always feels like a gamble to me
i've had an alcohol problem for years and still have no ideia what makes up for a good or bad experience