Drunk, depressed, suicidal, AMA

[dazed_dreamer]

21F college student. As title says :)

 

[skaro]

Do you give your all in college or do you do the minimum necessary to pass by?
How long have you been feeling this way?
Does anyone else know?

 

[Bioforever12]

are you as lonely as me? seems like men are a lot more lonely, even the shy girls I meet have a lot more friends than me

 

[dazed_dreamer]

are you as lonely as me? seems like men are a lot more lonely, even the shy girls I meet have a lot more friends than me

It's weird, because I feel lonely, even when I'm not alone. I used to be very alone, but last semester I made an effort to combat my social anxiety and branch out. I also made some friends this year though my job; I was more outgoing ad nice during training, though I'm back to isolating now. It does seem easier for girls to reach out and make those connections even if they're awkward, I do feel bad for men in that regard.
I have friends now who invite me out sometimes, I had a guy invite me for a meal tonight, but I just don't think I can make it. It's not quite social anxiety, but a reluctance. Sometimes I feel lonely, but sometimes I just don't want people there. I hypothetically crave social interaction, intimate romance and physical touch and deep conversations, but when social opportunities present themselves, I usually ghost.
I think I just want people to invest in me without any effort back, if I'm being honest. I want people to read my mind, give me love and affection, but not actually. Idk I don't get it either, genuinely
But yeah, loneliness sucks, I'm sorry that's your situation :/ I can DM if you want if it'd make you feel less alone <3

Do you give your all in college or do you do the minimum necessary to pass by?
How long have you been feeling this way?
Does anyone else know?

I used to give a lot to academics, it was the only part of my identity remaining. It got me into a really good college. But now that I'm here, I'm floundering. Literally skipped a midterm today. It's an easy class I enjoy, deadass got a 100% on the last midterm which NEVER happened to me before in college. But I just had no drive to review at all, and not even any urgency to attend the fucking test. My mind is broken at this point. For a while I still kinda cared, even as I was falling apart, but now I am incapable of giving a shit. Idk how to explain it, but any lingering motivation I had for anything is gone. I wish it wasn't. Even though my classes are enjoyable and easy this semester! I'm wasting a space people would do a lot for at this school, and so much money and other people's time and effort. It's pathetic

I've been depressed since I was 11, but particularly dissociated and just shitty for probably 2 years now. At this point idk how to move forward. I've tried meds, therapy, social connection, exercise, diet, supplements, etc. Some things have helped a bit, but nothing has really fixed my broken brain or boosted me long-term. I think my default is just shitty, I am inherently a broken person. Nothing bad even happened to me, all of my troubles are in my head

Other people kinda know? My family has an awareness to some extent, though they think I'm doing better now; my ED isn't as bad (I was super bulimic a couple of years ago, which was the main thing that caught their attention), so I think they're less immediately concerned. My friends are aware I have depression because I've told them, but they haven't really seen it. I doubt they know the extent.

 

[skies]

what r u drinking?

 

[dazed_dreamer]

what r u drinking?

To get out of my head. To distract myself. To kill time.

At this point I don't have it in me to really do anything, I haven't left my room today apart from going to the bathroom. I missed a midterm and a lab. I'm depressed and empty and suicidal and have been for a while. But I'm too apathetic, numb, and tired to actually CTB.

Most of my time recently has been dedicated to hedonistic pleasure: stress eating (and some purging), jacking off, eventually onward to drinking and cutting (relapsed for the first time in 10 months the other day). I'm just killing time. The drinking actually makes me feel kinda nice, it alleviates me anxiety, makes me feel more normal even. It also helps me connect with my emotions a little bit, when normally I'm detached from them

 

[skaro]

I want people to read my mind

this is literally so relatable for me, i feel like im too broken for anyone to actually understand wtf is going on in my head

I feel like you have a really good shot at the future in my opinion, your situation is far from hopeless, please don't impulsively ctb

 

[Bioforever12]

It's weird, because I feel lonely, even when I'm not alone. I used to be very alone, but last semester I made an effort to combat my social anxiety and branch out. I also made some friends this year though my job; I was more outgoing ad nice during training, though I'm back to isolating now. It does seem easier for girls to reach out and make those connections even if they're awkward, I do feel bad for men in that regard.
I have friends now who invite me out sometimes, I had a guy invite me for a meal tonight, but I just don't think I can make it. It's not quite social anxiety, but a reluctance. Sometimes I feel lonely, but sometimes I just don't want people there. I hypothetically crave social interaction, intimate romance and physical touch and deep conversations, but when social opportunities present themselves, I usually ghost.
I think I just want people to invest in me without any effort back, if I'm being honest. I want people to read my mind, give me love and affection, but not actually. Idk I don't get it either, genuinely
But yeah, loneliness sucks, I'm sorry that's your situation :/ I can DM if you want if it'd make you feel less alone <3

I used to give a lot to academics, it was the only part of my identity remaining. It got me into a really good college. But now that I'm here, I'm floundering. Literally skipped a midterm today. It's an easy class I enjoy, deadass got a 100% on the last midterm which NEVER happened to me before in college. But I just had no drive to review at all, and not even any urgency to attend the fucking test. My mind is broken at this point. For a while I still kinda cared, even as I was falling apart, but now I am incapable of giving a shit. Idk how to explain it, but any lingering motivation I had for anything is gone. I wish it wasn't. Even though my classes are enjoyable and easy this semester! I'm wasting a space people would do a lot for at this school, and so much money and other people's time and effort. It's pathetic

I've been depressed since I was 11, but particularly dissociated and just shitty for probably 2 years now. At this point idk how to move forward. I've tried meds, therapy, social connection, exercise, diet, supplements, etc. Some things have helped a bit, but nothing has really fixed my broken brain or boosted me long-term. I think my default is just shitty, I am inherently a broken person. Nothing bad even happened to me, all of my troubles are in my head

Other people kinda know? My family has an awareness to some extent, though they think I'm doing better now; my ED isn't as bad (I was super bulimic a couple of years ago, which was the main thing that caught their attention), so I think they're less immediately concerned. My friends are aware I have depression because I've told them, but they haven't really seen it. I doubt they know the extent.

hey yea I dm'd you sorry I thought you said I could dm u

 

[dazed_dreamer]

hey yea I dm'd you sorry I thought you said I could dm u

Hii don't apologize!! I just replied :) My replies just aren't always immediate, I get distracted easily lol

this is literally so relatable for me, i feel like im too broken for anyone to actually understand wtf is going on in my head

I feel like you have a really good shot at the future in my opinion, your situation is far from hopeless, please don't impulsively ctb

Real, I can't explain it accurately even when I try, and sometimes I just don't want to try. I'm sorry you relate, but there's comfort in not being the only one

And that's really sweet of you to say, thank you <3 If I do ctb, it won't be impulsive. I feel hopeless, but it's nice to hear someone say I'm not, even if I don't really believe it. Thank you :)