Hey guys. I'm at a point where I've accepted that I want to exit. I have tried numerous treatments to largely no avail. I have severe ADHD as well as NVLD and these conditions impact virtually every domain of my life. Cant maintain a career, do school, or anything worthwhile. long story short, a happy, worth-while life is unreconcilable for me. This is the way I was born and I've accepted that.
As much as I wish my death wouldn't cause any pain, I know my friends, relatives, and brother will hurt (my brother especially) but move on eventually. Unfortunately, I cannot say the same thing for my mom. She has done nothing but given me the best life possible. The compassion she feels for others and her sense duty to care for them is simply fucking enormous. She has toiled her entire life to become who she is today, and continues to work as hard as she does now at 67, as she did at 22.
If I kill myself, the pain I'd cause would be irreparable. She'd probably feel the need to continue living for my grandparents, all the while in undescribable agony. Thats to say if she doesn't kill herself. Ironically, this would put her in the same position im in now — continuing for others. This isn't to say my pursuits are noble, I'm a piece of shit son who just sits on his ass and converts her money into temporary dopamine hits (food binges, games) but at this point those do nothing for me too.
I need to continue until she dies if I'm going to ctb or at least as long as possible. I am asking for any advice regarding drugs I could take to at least "hold me over" until that time comes. Something fairly potent but without a huge dependency. I know im asking for a golden goose egg here but hey im desperate for something. Something to come back to from a shitty job and enjoy. I've tried weed and acid many times so far but experienced no positive effects what so ever. Drowsy, couch-lock on the former, Visual patterns but internal emptiness on the latter.
if anyone can relate or has experience with controlled substance abuse I'd really appreciate some advice.
As much as I wish my death wouldn't cause any pain, I know my friends, relatives, and brother will hurt (my brother especially) but move on eventually. Unfortunately, I cannot say the same thing for my mom. She has done nothing but given me the best life possible. The compassion she feels for others and her sense duty to care for them is simply fucking enormous. She has toiled her entire life to become who she is today, and continues to work as hard as she does now at 67, as she did at 22.
If I kill myself, the pain I'd cause would be irreparable. She'd probably feel the need to continue living for my grandparents, all the while in undescribable agony. Thats to say if she doesn't kill herself. Ironically, this would put her in the same position im in now — continuing for others. This isn't to say my pursuits are noble, I'm a piece of shit son who just sits on his ass and converts her money into temporary dopamine hits (food binges, games) but at this point those do nothing for me too.
I need to continue until she dies if I'm going to ctb or at least as long as possible. I am asking for any advice regarding drugs I could take to at least "hold me over" until that time comes. Something fairly potent but without a huge dependency. I know im asking for a golden goose egg here but hey im desperate for something. Something to come back to from a shitty job and enjoy. I've tried weed and acid many times so far but experienced no positive effects what so ever. Drowsy, couch-lock on the former, Visual patterns but internal emptiness on the latter.
if anyone can relate or has experience with controlled substance abuse I'd really appreciate some advice.
