Drug dependence as cope vs CTB

[19andready]

First post on here in about 7 months, good to be back. Obviously, I have yet to kill myself, but my condition physically and mentally has declined more rapidly than in the past.

I've struggled with substance abuse since I was 13 or so, and beginning at age 18 I began abusing alcohol more regularly. I find it to be amazing for reducing my anxiety and occupying my free time(I'm unemployed, so that's all day.) It can sometimes be so helpful that I completely forget about my problems and I can actually function in a manner approximate to "normal", and I'm seriously considering just becoming a raging alcoholic as opposed to offing myself, which would completely ruin my immediate family.

Unfortunately, I experience severe depression when I dont have anything to drink or know that I'm almost out. I have no income and therefore can only support the habit from the enabling of my mother and occasionally friends. I hate the idea of just using recreational drugs to stop me from dying, but is it really different from taking a pharma pill? Any Input is much appreciated, especially if anybody else uses drugs to numb the horrible pain that is life.

 

[Jean4]

Welcome home. :)

I am on Wellbutrin and medical marijuana for my Depression. It is the only thing that seems to lower the 24/7 'I want to die' voice in my head.

I think the the difference for me is, I function normally on my regimen. Nobody knows and I can still work.

My doctor knows and is in 100 percent agreement.

 

[19andready]

Welcome home. :)

I am on Wellbutrin and medical marijuana for my Depression. It is the only thing that seems to lower the 24/7 'I want to die' voice in my head.

I think the the difference for me is, I function normally on my regimen. Nobody knows and I can still work.

My doctor knows and is in 100 percent agreement.

So in your opinion, assuming I'm able to hold a job/ go to school and function normally, using drugs as a crutch is a-ok?

My psychiatrist refused to prescribe me wellbutrin after learning of my alcohol abuse, I guess the interactions can be lethal.

 

[TheDevilsAngel]

I smoke weed as well as take my meds... it does help.... I feel there is alot worse myself or you could be doing and if it helps its ok imo

 

[Mizzmini45]

Mine was /is Xanax mixed with alcohol to cope

 

[Jean4]

So in your opinion, assuming I'm able to hold a job/ go to school and function normally, using drugs as a crutch is a-ok?

My psychiatrist refused to prescribe me wellbutrin after learning of my alcohol abuse, I guess the interactions can be lethal.

I came up with my plan in collaboration with my medical doctor after trying various things that didn't work.

She is the one that suggested it after CBD didn't work for me. She had to push me into it because of the thought in my head about becoming an addict, and I am in a field where that is common place.

I see using marijuana for me as medicine. Nothing else worked. My doctor is aware, and heck. I announced it on Facebook.

It is how you look at it. Is alcohol the only way out? Did you exhaust all other options? Are you ashamed to tell people?


And yes. Many psych meds can have lethal interactions with alcohol. I am prone to impulsive CTB, and the last time I OD'd it was on my medication with alcohol.

If you are happy numbing the pain with alcohol, it is really up to you. Many do. I just preferred, for me, other methods.

I don't like feeling out of control. I can still be in control on my regimen. If I am not in control, my anxiety increases as well as those voices and the pain, and I could CTB.

One has to know their triggers :)

 

[zherhk]

I tried marijuana cbd to 'cope' but it does absolutely nothing to me.
Don't have contacts to find real weed.

 

[19andready]

I came up with my plan in collaboration with my medical doctor after trying various things that didn't work.

She is the one that suggested it after CBD didn't work for me. She had to push me into it because of the thought in my head about becoming an addict, and I am in a field where that is common place.

I see using marijuana for me as medicine. Nothing else worked. My doctor is aware, and heck. I announced it on Facebook.

It is how you look at it. Is alcohol the only way out? Did you exhaust all other options? Are you ashamed to tell people?


And yes. Many psych meds can have lethal interactions with alcohol. I am prone to impulsive CTB, and the last time I OD'd it was on my medication with alcohol.

If you are happy numbing the pain with alcohol, it is really up to you. Many do. I just preferred, for me, other methods.

I don't like feeling out of control. I can still be in control on my regimen. If I am not in control, my anxiety increases as well as those voices and the pain, and I could CTB.

One has to know their triggers :)

Part of my confliction with this is the possiblity that my drug use in early adolescence may have contributed to, or even caused, my current mental health issues. I have maintained sobriety for months at a time and seen little improvement in my derealization/ anxiety disorder, so I feel as if I've dug my own grave here. My psychiatrist seems to find this theory plausible, and has resulted in them diagnosing me as having a substance abuse disorder primarily as opposed to the other mental illnesses being more significant.

I'm glad the drugs have helped you though :)

 

[Jean4]

Part of my confliction with this is the possiblity that my drug use in early adolescence may have contributed to, or even caused, my current mental health issues. I have maintained sobriety for months at a time and seen little improvement in my derealization/ anxiety disorder, so I feel as if I've dug my own grave here. My psychiatrist seems to find this theory plausible, and has resulted in them diagnosing me as having a substance abuse disorder primarily as opposed to the other mental illnesses being more significant.

I'm glad the drugs have helped you though :)

I understand. My father was an alcoholic. I had Bariatric Surgery. Removing half my stomach makes me prone to alcoholism. Not to mention I was premature because my mother took drugs.

I would say work with your psychiatrist. If you want, you can seek out help in addition to your primary psychiatrist a substance abuse specialist to obtain a definitive diagnosis to better help with your treatment plan (I was a LCSW-R in my previous life. ;) )

 

[19andready]

I understand. My father was an alcoholic. I had Bariatric Surgery. Removing half my stomach makes me prone to alcoholism. Not to mention I was premature because my mother took drugs.

I would say work with your psychiatrist. If you want, you can seek out help in addition to your primary psychiatrist a substance abuse specialist to obtain a definitive diagnosis to better help with your treatment plan (I was a LCSW-R in my previous life. ;) )

I appreciate the input, thank you!

 

[sullengirl]

I know you have tried CBD, but have you tried CBD or CBG flower? CBD/CBG derived from hemp (not cannabis) should be legal to purchase and even ship in most places. I've tried all the forms of CBD, and flower gives me a similar affect to cannabis without the psychoactivity. CBG is similar to CBD, but it works a lot better in my opinion. I don't mean to force anyone to consume it if it doesn't work for them. Just throwing out options!

 

[19andready]

I know you have tried CBD, but have you tried CBD or CBG flower? CBD/CBG derived from hemp (not cannabis) should be legal to purchase and even ship in most places. I've tried all the forms of CBD, and flower gives me a similar affect to cannabis without the psychoactivity. CBG is similar to CBD, but it works a lot better in my opinion. I don't mean to force anyone to consume it if it doesn't work for them. Just throwing out options!

All suggestions are welcome!

I have tried CBD on numerous occasions, with no effect. I smoke weed pretty regularly but have reduced consumption because of my anxiety disorder. I have never heard of CBG, but if it's something no more serious than an herbal supplement I would love to try it. Thank you!

 

[Brick In The Wall]

Weed is definitely a better cope then alcohol. Alcohol will be much more harmful in the long run. But the crash effect you mentioned with alcohol is universal to using any type of drug medical or otherwise.

Granted some types you will crash harder. I know the day after I drink I get super down and depressed unless I drink again. Weed has little to no crash like this unless you're reliant and you run out.

It's not necessarily a good thing that you need something to cope. But you're young and still adapting to adult life. It's better to find a cope then to end it all as well. I wish you luck and hope you can find something to keep you going.

 

[19andready]

Weed is definitely a better cope then alcohol. Alcohol will be much more harmful in the long run. But the crash effect you mentioned with alcohol is universal to using any type of drug medical or otherwise.

Granted some types you will crash harder. I know the day after I drink I get super down and depressed unless I drink again. Weed has little to no crash like this unless you're reliant and you run out.

It's not necessarily a good thing that you need something to cope. But you're young and still adapting to adult life. It's better to find a cope then to end it all as well. I wish you luck and hope you can find something to keep you going.

I suppose it's pretty bad that I cant even legally purchase alcohol on my own yet... but that's changing in a few months. Thanks for your kind words!

 

[Brick In The Wall]

I suppose it's pretty bad that I cant even legally purchase alcohol on my own yet... but that's changing in a few months. Thanks for your kind words!

Alcohol is great especially when you're young. But it's a solvent. It dissolves your friendships, relationships, aspirations, and eventually you. You spiral into it over time and no one is immune from this no matter what they tell you.

 

[Wayfaerer]

I've never had a chronic drinking problem but I wouldn't be here if I were a teetotaler.

 

[Fragile]

i wouldn't recommend getting an addiction, specially of alcohol and benzos. it may feel good at first but oh boy, it gets bad.

the inevitable withdrawals and tolerance build up are fucking terrible to deal with, you will eventually start needing more and more, and the moments without alcohol will be pure hell, not to mention the horrible side effects like hangovers and even worse ones in the long run like organ damage, increased anxiety and brain damage. alcohol is quite literally a poison after all.

i used to drink heavily for a couple of years, but then managed to change my addiction from alcohol to pills like benzos and pregabalin, the withdrawals are still HORRIBLE, but with the help of some weed i can kinda manage them. at least i'm not vomiting and crying from the hangovers any more.
but just to put it into perspective, withdrawals from alcohol and benzos are easily worse than those from heroin and other opioids, they also last way longer and some people have symptoms for years, i went to a psychiatric clinic which also had people recovering from addictions, and those who abused both benzodiazepines, alcohol and opioids told me that heroin is hell, but there is not even a competition when it comes to the other substances.

with substances that interact with GABA like alcohol, benzos and gabaergics, you may think that you are in control, but the reality is that your body starts craving for them very easily, not abusing those substances is extremely hard, some days i just want to shove down my throat all of my pills and then mix them with some alcohol just to feel better for a while.

and one piece of advice with CBD, pure CBD is useless for some people, even at extremely large doses. but it works wonders when combined with some THC, even a very small amount of it is enough to make the CBD actually work for some reason, weird stuff but it works this way for me and many others.

 

[19andready]

i wouldn't recommend getting an addiction, specially of alcohol and benzos. it may feel good at first but oh boy, it gets bad.

the inevitable withdrawals and tolerance build up are fucking terrible to deal with, you will eventually start needing more and more, and the moments without alcohol will be pure hell, not to mention the horrible side effects like hangovers and even worse ones in the long run like organ damage, increased anxiety and brain damage. alcohol is quite literally a poison after all.

i used to drink heavily for a couple of years, but then managed to change my addiction from alcohol to pills like benzos and pregabalin, the withdrawals are still HORRIBLE, but with the help of some weed i can kinda manage them. at least i'm not vomiting and crying from the hangovers any more.
but just to put it into perspective, withdrawals from alcohol and benzos are easily worse than those from heroin and other opioids, they also last way longer and some people have symptoms for years, i went to a psychiatric clinic which also had people recovering from addictions, and those who abused both benzodiazepines, alcohol and opioids told me that heroin is hell, but there is not even a competition when it comes to the other substances.

with substances that interact with GABA like alcohol, benzos and gabaergics, you may think that you are in control, but the reality is that your body starts craving for them very easily, not abusing those substances is extremely hard, some days i just want to shove down my throat all of my pills and then mix them with some alcohol just to feel better for a while.

and one piece of advice with CBD, pure CBD is useless for some people, even at extremely large doses. but it works wonders when combined with some THC, even a very small amount of it is enough to make the CBD actually work for some reason, weird stuff but it works this way for me and many others.

Suffering from an anxiety disorder makes alcohol seem that much more seductive, even though I dont even really like most aspects of it, and the point you made about tolerance rings so true to me; I have a difficult time being satisfied drinking beer anymore. I've yet to require a detox yet however, and this particular addiction is still in relative infancy.

Everyone here seems to have positive experiences with CBD. My last time using it was in the form of sugar gummies I bought at a gas station for 10 dollars. The recommended dosage was no more than 2 per day, but I couldn't feel anything so I just ate the whole packet and fell asleep. THC helping to active CBD makes since, which sucks because I have experienced increasing paranoia when smoking pot especially in my later teens.

Are there any other legal substances or herbs that are worth checking out? I'm willing to try anything. My psych. recently prescribed me a low dosage beta blocker called propranolol which is supposed to help with performance anxiety, but I have yet to really give it a fair shake.

Thanks for the input!

 

[Fragile]

Suffering from an anxiety disorder makes alcohol seem that much more seductive, even though I dont even really like most aspects of it, and the point you made about tolerance rings so true to me; I have a difficult time being satisfied drinking beer anymore. I've yet to require a detox yet however, and this particular addiction is still in relative infancy.

Everyone here seems to have positive experiences with CBD. My last time using it was in the form of sugar gummies I bought at a gas station for 10 dollars. The recommended dosage was no more than 2 per day, but I couldn't feel anything so I just ate the whole packet and fell asleep. THC helping to active CBD makes since, which sucks because I have experienced increasing paranoia when smoking pot especially in my later teens.

Are there any other legal substances or herbs that are worth checking out? I'm willing to try anything. My psych. recently prescribed me a low dosage beta blocker called propranolol which is supposed to help with performance anxiety, but I have yet to really give it a fair shake.

Thanks for the input!

if you are set on having an addiction then switch alcohol for benzos, they are both terrible but at least benzos don't destroy your body as much as alcohol. ask your psychiatrist for them.
you can also ask about pregabalin, this substance has anxiolytic properties and gives you very restful sleep, this drug feels like alcohol mixed with a bit of opioids and has some euphoria to it, some people, like me, find it extremely addictive and hard to tapper of, but others have absolutely no trouble with it, this is a mixed bag of results but you wont know until you try it. this is my go to when i'm out of clonazepam.

and about cbd, you just need a very tiny amount of thc for it to work, the thing is that it takes a lot of cbd to have an effect on anxiety or pain, i've read that it only starts working at the 300 mg+ of cbd, but you need just 1 mg of thc for it to work, and that shouldn't even give you anxiety so i'ts worth trying. it also builds up in your body so the anxiolytic effects might take a while to show up.

 

[19andready]

if you are set on having an addiction then switch alcohol for benzos, they are both terrible but at least benzos don't destroy your body as much as alcohol. ask your psychiatrist for them.
you can also ask about pregabalin, this substance has anxiolytic properties and gives you very restful sleep, this drug feels like alcohol mixed with a bit of opioids and has some euphoria to it, some people, like me, find it extremely addictive and hard to tapper of, but others have absolutely no trouble with it, this is a mixed bag of results but you wont know until you try it. this is my go to when i'm out of clonazepam.

and about cbd, you just need a very tiny amount of thc for it to work, the thing is that it takes a lot of cbd to have an effect on anxiety or pain, i've read that it only starts working at the 300 mg+ of cbd, but you need just 1 mg of thc for it to work, and that shouldn't even give you anxiety so i'ts worth trying. it also builds up in your body so the anxiolytic effects might take a while to show up.

I was prescribed klonopin around senior year of high school and had success with it, but after the magnitude of my addictive tendencies became more clear he immediately took me off of them. I still see the same doctor to this day and I doubt he will ever even consider it again. I've thought about seeking a new one but I'm pretty sure my records are permanently stuck with me and will prevent me from ever obtaining benzos legally again. I will definitely ask him about pregabalin next appointment though.

 

[Mpez28892]

I'm on a pretty toy cocktail of psych meds.
Do they work? Well, I'm here aren't I?
"recovering addict" been clean from IV H for 9 ish months...but I've been drinking a lot lately... just kicked Suboxone...maybe it's circumstantial but God fucking damn; I really wanna shoot up!
If you wanna teeter on the line of dying and discociating, main line some H.

 

[19andready]

I'm on a pretty toy cocktail of psych meds.
Do they work? Well, I'm here aren't I?
"recovering addict" been clean from IV H for 9 ish months...but I've been drinking a lot lately... just kicked Suboxone...maybe it's circumstantial but God fucking damn; I really wanna shoot up!
If you wanna teeter on the line of dying and discociating, main line some H.

Congrats man, 9 months is nothing to scoff at. Even if I wanted to ctb using H or some other opioid I'm not sure where I'd find it. Maybe I need to hop on Tor again haha.

Glad to hear your psych med cocktail is working, care to share what those drugs are?

 

[_Minsk]

Maybe you have a better time as without but keep in mind that alcohol is the 'worst' of all drugs:

 

[Mpez28892]

Congrats man, 9 months is nothing to scoff at. Even if I wanted to ctb using H or some other opioid I'm not sure where I'd find it. Maybe I need to hop on Tor again haha.

Glad to hear your psych med cocktail is working, care to share what those drugs are?

Nah they're not working, hence why I'm trying to make my next OD my last.
Lithium & trazodone.
Only got sober for circumstantial reasons. I now realize (took me long enough...) that if I keep my eye on the prize, whilst doing what society/my parents expect of me- I can see it through. In the past I would do what I thought was enough, on a whim...only to not OD... waking up to hotel staff telling me I have to check out now (isn't that ironic?) Then copping more, getting high, having people notice I'm getting high...too much emotion not enough logic.

 

[19andready]

Maybe you have a better time as without but keep in mind that alcohol is the 'worst' of all drugs:

View attachment 21677

Yikes... that's a hefty margin above heroin. I'm surprised to see cannabis above benzos however.

Nah they're not working, hence why I'm trying to make my next OD my last.
Lithium & trazodone.
Only got sober for circumstantial reasons. I now realize (took me long enough...) that if I keep my eye on the prize, whilst doing what society/my parents expect of me- I can see it through. In the past I would do what I thought was enough, on a whim...only to not OD... waking up to hotel staff telling me I have to check out now (isn't that ironic?) Then copping more, getting high, having people notice I'm getting high...too much emotion not enough logic.

From what I understand, opioid overdose is among the most pleasant ways to go. Sorry to hear your psych regimen isnt working, I was prescribed trazodone years ago to treat insomnia. Used to force myself to stay awake and I'd get a really weird high sort of like alcohol but more trippy...

If you end up attempting to ctb with the dope, I wish you the best of luck. Lots of people die on accident... I think being in control of your death is a better outcome.

 

[Moonicide]

I have a very addictive personality, so going into drugs is not the way I'd be able to cope given the fact my sister is already an addict and is ruining her and her children's lives. I'm also Bipolar so the drugs will more than likely induce an episode for me... Drinking alone fucks with me and makes me crash into a depressive episode. The drugs will stop having the same effect, nothing will ever be enough. I'd keep chasing for more and more... I'd rather ctb than go into a deep downward spiral of addiction. That's such a terrible way to go, for myself.

 

[1DayItWillBover]

Had an idea to start using some really hard drugs just say fuck it and try to feel something.

 

[methylene blue]

For me it doesn't really make life any more worth living. I've gone through periods of recovery in which I am taking a great pharmaceutical/supplemental recipe (Viibryd, Lamotrigine, Buspirone, 5-HTP, L-Tyrosine). I take all of these in regular doses to their maximum potency and there is no way to abuse any of them by taking too much. This is the best, most effective group of medicine I have found after 10 years of trying other things, including alcohol and drug dependency.

That, going to the gym, eating healthy food, seeing a therapist, group therapy, spending time with friends and family, working full-time, having a girlfriend, having sex, blah blah blah

VS.

Drinking alcohol, smoking weed, smoking crystal meth, taking benzos, not having a job, going to rehab, being homeless, getting high some more, blah blah blah

I've spend the last 10 years of my life trying both of those lifestyles. Sure, it's nice to be able to afford a nice place to live and buy nice things when you stay clean and have a full-time job. But does that make life worth living? In the big picture, in my opinion, neither of these lifestyles suffices for me.

It all sucks. There's no cure. It's a lose-lose situation.

I just don't want to be homeless or in jail, which is my incentive to stay clean. Becoming an alcoholic or addict or whatever isn't going to save you and make your life worth living, unless you're really that shallow. I just don't see how any of that will last without causing you to eventually go to jail or be homeless.

 

[Livinginhell]

Drugs are the only way I get through a day. I take coke to get me through the day and then smoke weed to relax and sleep. Repeat cycle.