Drowning with weights

[MaybeToday]

I sent my money to A and then stupidly emailed him saying I'm just depressed and can't go through with it. The only reason being I can't bear to devastate my loved ones.

My peaceful method is gone. Oh well. I deserve for it to be painful considering all the agony I'm about to cause to my loved ones. I just can't do this anymore. When I was a teen, I couldn't do it because of my love for my mother. She passed away a few years ago unexpectedly. It destroyed me and I wanted to ctb then. I couldnt because of my sister.

I'm still here because of my sister. She has attempted a few times. My passing will destroy her. I don't see any bright futures for either of us though. I feel terrible about my decision but I cannot do this anymore. I recently graduated with a Master's degree that is useless. I entirely regret all of my academic choices. Fuck student loans. Fuck capitalism. I have no passion for anything...

I've had good moments in my life. I treasure them very much. There's nothing else I truly want out of this life. I just want out. I don't believe in an afterlife. I am relieved at that thought.

Sorry for rambling. I really wish I could make it look like an accident but most people in my life know I'm suicidal.

My method is drowning in a lake. I'll tie weights to my midsection and cuff my hands behind my back. I'll try hyperventilating before wading out. I've got some ativan too but only 10 mg ugh. Anyway, I know it will be excruciatingly painful. That's okay. If I do it at night while no one is around, and if I'm being weighed down, it should work, right?

 

[BipolarExpat]

Sorry to learn of your struggles :(

I've always been close with my sister too.

Your method = I think it will be extremely difficult to walk through the SI (Survival Instinct).

 

[Bulletwbttrflywings]

I sent my money to A and then stupidly emailed him saying I'm just depressed and can't go through with it. The only reason being I can't bear to devastate my loved ones.

My peaceful method is gone. Oh well. I deserve for it to be painful considering all the agony I'm about to cause to my loved ones. I just can't do this anymore. When I was a teen, I couldn't do it because of my love for my mother. She passed away a few years ago unexpectedly. It destroyed me and I wanted to ctb then. I couldnt because of my sister.

I'm still here because of my sister. She has attempted a few times. My passing will destroy her. I don't see any bright futures for either of us though. I feel terrible about my decision but I cannot do this anymore. I recently graduated with a Master's degree that is useless. I entirely regret all of my academic choices. Fuck student loans. Fuck capitalism. I have no passion for anything...

I've had good moments in my life. I treasure them very much. There's nothing else I truly want out of this life. I just want out. I don't believe in an afterlife. I am relieved at that thought.

Sorry for rambling. I really wish I could make it look like an accident but most people in my life know I'm suicidal.

My method is drowning in a lake. I'll tie weights to my midsection and cuff my hands behind my back. I'll try hyperventilating before wading out. I've got some ativan too but only 10 mg ugh. Anyway, I know it will be excruciatingly painful. That's okay. If I do it at night while no one is around, and if I'm being weighed down, it should work, right?

First of all, hugs. I can hear the pain resonates deep in your soul, and that's torturous enough.
If you're going to do this, perhaps there's a better way than to walk in? Or another place you would be able to jump into a deeper part of a body of water? Walking in seems brave but we all know SI kicks in and we find ourselves on dry land again. Or on the muddy shoreline with mud in unthinkable places.
Hugs...

 

[MaybeToday]

Hey guys. Thank you for the support. This community is wonderful but has been awful for my mental health. I cannot hurt my loved ones like this. I tried the night night method today and I'm so glad I failed. I am extremely depressed right now but I'm going to get better. I owe it to everyone who has ever cared and loved me. I told my best friend today what I've been up to. I made her promise not to call any authorities. She promised and she said, "If I lose you, I will hate myself forever. I will blame myself forever." I love her so much. And I love my sister so much, too.
I truly feel so much empathy for a lot of people here. Depression fucking sucks. I've gotten better before and I will get better again. I truly feel that life is inherently meaningless, but there are reasons to continue on. My reasons are my loved ones and hope for a better future. I know many of you will shake your heads. I honestly get it. Many of you are in worse situations than me. I am so sorry. I wish I knew the right words to say. I hope that everyone on this forum can find peace.

 

[Memento Mori]

i feel like 90% of the people here are not ready to die. drowning with weights sounds awful, no chance to free yourself or regret it, only pure panic...dont use such methods please

we're our own enemy so let's fight instead, the trick is not giving up every time. (not for everyone but yeah)
and don't make your fate depend on others and their behaviour, thats poison for everyone involved

sending greetz and love