Drafts

[lavenderlilylies]

Loneliness
More than I've fantasized about romantic love, I've dreamed of another person I could share parts of my soul with, a friend I don't feel the need to pretend around.
I haven't had any friends for years now. The ones I had growing up, well, as a child I was too detached from my emotions that I didn't realize that we were "friends". And as a teenager I feared vulnerability to the extent that it was too much for me to consider them friends. I always kept people at arms length, people understandably don't like to be put in that position.
I kind of have one person I could trust with things I've never trusted friends with before. But we're not quite friends I'd say. I think we're two people who found themselves in a bit of similar circumstances and connected over that. I'll be embarrassingly honest, they are the closest friend I've ever had, although this feeling isn't mutual. it hurts that their actions scream that they're only tolerating me while they say they aren't. just goes to show how my fragility and insecurity seeps through no matter how much i try to hide it, that they feel obligated to pretend to "not hurt my feelings". It's the most obvious unspoken rejection I've ever received, but i still cling onto them. Pathetic

 

[lavenderlilylies]

I get it
As i laid down that night, i knew i made a mistake. There was one thing i had to do. I failed.
This was never my place. i knew i needed to go, I always knew. But looking at those eyes, I lost myself there a million times, i needed to believe in them, desperately.
I get it. I got it years ago. But every now and then there comes a glimpse of hope that kept me around, that there's an us in me and you.

 

[lavenderlilylies]

The victim
I have a hard time believing any word that comes out of my mouth. There's this deep rooted belief in me that I'm lying about everything I experience to garner sympathy/attention. Even when I'm only saying it between me and myself.
I don't think highly of myself. I think of myself as someone who's always trying to be the victim. One part of me doesn't want to be. It refuses to accept that I was ever wrong in my life. And that i have any emotional or mental issues. And the other part is here on a suicide website screaming and kicking. and it has nothing to say except how horrible it feels all the time.