I've kept most personal information out of it - people are welcome to plagiarise or cannibalise it if they want. When I go I will write a more detailed and personal letter, which will name names and point fingers, but obviously I won't post that here.
Dear All,
What I will have done will have caused you immense pain, distress, anger and disgust. I wish
that I did not consider it necessary to have taken this action, but I also wish that it were not
necessary for you to react in the way that you will have done. The only thing I can do in the
circumstances is make a financial contribution, if only to compensate for the expense
incurred and inconvenience caused. A cremation is all that is necessary for me, although do
for yourselves whatever you see fit.
I would also like to apologise to the police, ambulance and hospital staff for the
inconvenience, discomfort or distaste as a result of my actions. All of you will have had to
clear up some kind of mess as a result of this, but I hope I can keep it relatively clean and
tidy.
There are so many myths and preconceptions about why people take their own lives. One
widely held myth is that people do this because they think that nobody loves them. Not true. If
I were to say that 'nobody loves me' that would be as hurtful as it is dishonest. I am loved,
and I love those people, even if we have sometimes had a maudlin way of showing it to one
another. The fact that I am loved has made this all the more difficult and all the more painful.
Yes, there are many people who have angered me and who I am angry with, but the saddest
thing about suicide is that that the people one seeks to punish the most are the ones who are
hurt the least, whereas the people one seeks to punish the least are the ones who are hurt the
most. However, I am not going to point fingers or name names in this note.
If I had children, I would find it so difficult and painful that I would not even consider it.
Having lost my mother at an early age, the last thing I would want to do would be to wilfully
inflict on a child what my mother would never have wanted to inflict on either of her children.
I have been thinking about this on and off for the past few years, and first wrote this letter in
2009, but there have been events in the family that discouraged me from doing this. I did not
want to add pain and distress to what was already painful and distressing, nor bring pain and
distress into what were causes for joy and celebration. My only relationship highlighted my
strengths as a person, but also my weaknesses.
There has also been the question of what method I was going to use, and how effective it
would be. If taking one's own life is stupid, then it is even more stupid when it goes wrong,
and one ends up alive but crippled, disfigured, brain-damaged or in a vegetative state.
Quite frankly, I get sick and tired of people getting all holier-than-thou about those who
commit suicide by calling the act 'selfish' and 'cowardly'. Yes, of course it's 'selfish', the
'sui' in suicide means 'self'. It's not just the religious; atheists can be just as bad, appealing
to their own god, John Stuart Mill. A better word would be 'spiteful', if only because it
doesn't sound so silly in that whining sanctimonious tone people use when they say 'selfish'.
As for 'cowardly', people can be bigger cowards in life than in death, so they should shut up
and be grateful it wasn't their lives that were taken, or that of a loved one. If they think
people who take their own lives are so contemptible, then why waste time and column inches
on them, or profit from the tragedy like vultures or parasites? And rather than spout abuse
about them, why not feel sympathy for their bereaved families instead? Or better still, shut up
and let those affected grieve in peace and in private. They don't need you to speak out on
their behalf. Move along, there's nothing to see. And think of the saving to the taxpayer!
I sometimes thought that the unemotional attitude that the Japanese towards suicide was
preferable to that sanctimonious attitude we have in Western countries, but it's just the other
extreme. It's not noble or honourable, it's still shameful, but then again, I am ashamed of a
lot of things I have done in my life. I have been spoilt, even if I didn't think so at the time.
I am not a martyr for anything, I am not trying to make a point on behalf of others, and I am
not writing a manifesto. I am not making a sacrifice, and nor am I doing this to redeem
myself. I am doing it to cut my losses – and those of others. And I am not making a statement
– it isn't hip to be dead, it never was, and it never will be.
I do not wish to be remembered, so please, dispose of as many of my belongings as possible,
and do not try and get any of my writing published. I want my ideas to die with me, as they
are even less likely to be taken seriously after my death than they were during my life. Let
those who knew me forget me, if they so wish, and let those who did not ignore my passing.
I know that you may feel guilty, and feel that it is something that you said or did, or even
didn't say or do, which prompted me to do this. It isn't. Please let me make that absolutely
clear. It isn't because you failed me as a parent, or a sibling, a girlfriend, a friend, or
anything else. You have not let me down, I have let you down, and let myself down. I don't
blame my family for anything, because there are people who have had far unhappier
childhoods than mine, but have planned a way to escape from that by choosing a career path.
There have also been cases of people bereaved by suicide who have been shunned by friends
and even by other members of their family, but I hope that the advantage of our family not
being that close-knit is that it won't come to that. And in the event that friends do shun you,
they are probably not the kind of friends worth having, although they will more likely hold me
in contempt than you. At least at a time like this, you will know who your friends are, and you
may even make new ones, although you may have preferred to have me as a mutual one as
well.
Although I do not believe that mental illness is a 'myth', and have used medication in the past
as well as seeking professional help, the decision I am taking is an informed and rational
one, and has not been caused by the use of such medication. I wish to make this clear as there
are many in the mental illness denial brigade who may seek to make capital out of this.
I will never have a career. Careers advice is a contradiction in terms, anyway, especially for
anyone doing a humanities degree. I had no idea what I was going to do before I went to
university, and no idea what I was going to do afterwards. I am overqualified and
underexperienced, and therefore, unemployable. Nobody wants to employ someone who is all
over the shop, a jack of all trades and a craftsman of none. I just feel surplus to requirements.
It is all very well admonishing people in my position to get a job, but that comes to nothing if
employers are not prepared to give people like me a chance, by giving me a job. I am at a
huge disadvantage when it comes to filling in application forms, because employers are
obsessed with where they have been and how long for, rather than asking people what they
can do. And of course, you have to be a 'team player' or a 'people person'.
The biggest problem is that I have is that I have wasted my time trying to be what I am not
just to get into other people's good books, instead of concentrating on a career and on what I
was good at. People think that being unusually good at doing some things means I'm good at
everything. Maybe I would have sacrificed what relationships I had in the process and not
have been as nice a person, but at least I would have been more economically productive. Of
course, everybody deserves a second chance, but I am on my umpteenth one.
I am attaching documents regarding administrative and financial arrangements.
Love,
Misfit72
Some of it reminds me of what Callie Lewis said about the world not being designed for people like her (or me) and how here grandfather said it was designed for it, but then we changed it. I wish I'd found the right method before the Brexit vote, though I did look to go to the Cliffs of Moher in Ireland to jump off a cliff, but on top of the uncertainty over bloody Brexit we've now got the Coronavirus.
Dear All,
What I will have done will have caused you immense pain, distress, anger and disgust. I wish
that I did not consider it necessary to have taken this action, but I also wish that it were not
necessary for you to react in the way that you will have done. The only thing I can do in the
circumstances is make a financial contribution, if only to compensate for the expense
incurred and inconvenience caused. A cremation is all that is necessary for me, although do
for yourselves whatever you see fit.
I would also like to apologise to the police, ambulance and hospital staff for the
inconvenience, discomfort or distaste as a result of my actions. All of you will have had to
clear up some kind of mess as a result of this, but I hope I can keep it relatively clean and
tidy.
There are so many myths and preconceptions about why people take their own lives. One
widely held myth is that people do this because they think that nobody loves them. Not true. If
I were to say that 'nobody loves me' that would be as hurtful as it is dishonest. I am loved,
and I love those people, even if we have sometimes had a maudlin way of showing it to one
another. The fact that I am loved has made this all the more difficult and all the more painful.
Yes, there are many people who have angered me and who I am angry with, but the saddest
thing about suicide is that that the people one seeks to punish the most are the ones who are
hurt the least, whereas the people one seeks to punish the least are the ones who are hurt the
most. However, I am not going to point fingers or name names in this note.
If I had children, I would find it so difficult and painful that I would not even consider it.
Having lost my mother at an early age, the last thing I would want to do would be to wilfully
inflict on a child what my mother would never have wanted to inflict on either of her children.
I have been thinking about this on and off for the past few years, and first wrote this letter in
2009, but there have been events in the family that discouraged me from doing this. I did not
want to add pain and distress to what was already painful and distressing, nor bring pain and
distress into what were causes for joy and celebration. My only relationship highlighted my
strengths as a person, but also my weaknesses.
There has also been the question of what method I was going to use, and how effective it
would be. If taking one's own life is stupid, then it is even more stupid when it goes wrong,
and one ends up alive but crippled, disfigured, brain-damaged or in a vegetative state.
Quite frankly, I get sick and tired of people getting all holier-than-thou about those who
commit suicide by calling the act 'selfish' and 'cowardly'. Yes, of course it's 'selfish', the
'sui' in suicide means 'self'. It's not just the religious; atheists can be just as bad, appealing
to their own god, John Stuart Mill. A better word would be 'spiteful', if only because it
doesn't sound so silly in that whining sanctimonious tone people use when they say 'selfish'.
As for 'cowardly', people can be bigger cowards in life than in death, so they should shut up
and be grateful it wasn't their lives that were taken, or that of a loved one. If they think
people who take their own lives are so contemptible, then why waste time and column inches
on them, or profit from the tragedy like vultures or parasites? And rather than spout abuse
about them, why not feel sympathy for their bereaved families instead? Or better still, shut up
and let those affected grieve in peace and in private. They don't need you to speak out on
their behalf. Move along, there's nothing to see. And think of the saving to the taxpayer!
I sometimes thought that the unemotional attitude that the Japanese towards suicide was
preferable to that sanctimonious attitude we have in Western countries, but it's just the other
extreme. It's not noble or honourable, it's still shameful, but then again, I am ashamed of a
lot of things I have done in my life. I have been spoilt, even if I didn't think so at the time.
I am not a martyr for anything, I am not trying to make a point on behalf of others, and I am
not writing a manifesto. I am not making a sacrifice, and nor am I doing this to redeem
myself. I am doing it to cut my losses – and those of others. And I am not making a statement
– it isn't hip to be dead, it never was, and it never will be.
I do not wish to be remembered, so please, dispose of as many of my belongings as possible,
and do not try and get any of my writing published. I want my ideas to die with me, as they
are even less likely to be taken seriously after my death than they were during my life. Let
those who knew me forget me, if they so wish, and let those who did not ignore my passing.
I know that you may feel guilty, and feel that it is something that you said or did, or even
didn't say or do, which prompted me to do this. It isn't. Please let me make that absolutely
clear. It isn't because you failed me as a parent, or a sibling, a girlfriend, a friend, or
anything else. You have not let me down, I have let you down, and let myself down. I don't
blame my family for anything, because there are people who have had far unhappier
childhoods than mine, but have planned a way to escape from that by choosing a career path.
There have also been cases of people bereaved by suicide who have been shunned by friends
and even by other members of their family, but I hope that the advantage of our family not
being that close-knit is that it won't come to that. And in the event that friends do shun you,
they are probably not the kind of friends worth having, although they will more likely hold me
in contempt than you. At least at a time like this, you will know who your friends are, and you
may even make new ones, although you may have preferred to have me as a mutual one as
well.
Although I do not believe that mental illness is a 'myth', and have used medication in the past
as well as seeking professional help, the decision I am taking is an informed and rational
one, and has not been caused by the use of such medication. I wish to make this clear as there
are many in the mental illness denial brigade who may seek to make capital out of this.
I will never have a career. Careers advice is a contradiction in terms, anyway, especially for
anyone doing a humanities degree. I had no idea what I was going to do before I went to
university, and no idea what I was going to do afterwards. I am overqualified and
underexperienced, and therefore, unemployable. Nobody wants to employ someone who is all
over the shop, a jack of all trades and a craftsman of none. I just feel surplus to requirements.
It is all very well admonishing people in my position to get a job, but that comes to nothing if
employers are not prepared to give people like me a chance, by giving me a job. I am at a
huge disadvantage when it comes to filling in application forms, because employers are
obsessed with where they have been and how long for, rather than asking people what they
can do. And of course, you have to be a 'team player' or a 'people person'.
The biggest problem is that I have is that I have wasted my time trying to be what I am not
just to get into other people's good books, instead of concentrating on a career and on what I
was good at. People think that being unusually good at doing some things means I'm good at
everything. Maybe I would have sacrificed what relationships I had in the process and not
have been as nice a person, but at least I would have been more economically productive. Of
course, everybody deserves a second chance, but I am on my umpteenth one.
I am attaching documents regarding administrative and financial arrangements.
Love,
Misfit72
Some of it reminds me of what Callie Lewis said about the world not being designed for people like her (or me) and how here grandfather said it was designed for it, but then we changed it. I wish I'd found the right method before the Brexit vote, though I did look to go to the Cliffs of Moher in Ireland to jump off a cliff, but on top of the uncertainty over bloody Brexit we've now got the Coronavirus.
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