Dr. Ramani and the Painful yet Isolating Reality of Narcissistic Abuse

[Water-Lily]

Earlier today I watched Dr. Ramani's video about narcissism. I find her content to be a breath of fresh air. Calling out narcissistic abuse for how cruel and damaging it is. One doesn't even have to lift a finger to enact life long trauma that can last across generations. And yet, as she points out and from what I experienced, there are many people willing to excuse and turn a blind eye to abuse/abusive behavior that to extend any form of sympathy towards victims

"you're too sensitive"

"get over it"

"It happened a long time ago"

"forgive and forget"

"you're over reacting"

etc etc

If you've been victim off narcissistic abuse be it from family, friends, romantic partners, jobs, etc, then you'll know how harmful and isolating it feels. As if you're an outsider and a black sheep, unable to find anyone who is willing to validate you and take you seriously

The harsh reality is that many people are cowards. Instead of turning their rage towards the victim onto the abuser, they choose to engage in the abuse. Because if they were to say those very same statements I listed onto the abuser, they would then be the victim. They would be out of the safety of the enabling role and be on the attack of the abuser. They witness how you are abused and have likely been abused themselves, so they choose to be a coward and engage in harming you. So they can avoid being in your position and get the perks of pacifying the narcissist

These leaves many victims suffering in silence, in a society that shames them (even in cases that end in suicide).

If anything, I find those willing to identify and call out abuse and distance themselves from abusive invdiiduals to be the brave one. Choosing to see the truth and take a stand against it. Even if it means potentially losing people who will not support you. They are the real, authentic ones

 

[Rain_Hermit]

Narcissistic abuse is one of the most horrendous things one can go through. That's the number one reason why I want to ctb.
From what I have seen, narcissists tend to be very cunning. That is how they are able to gather people around them. They are very good at putting on a face of kindness and benevolence in front of outsiders when in fact they drive their victims to suicidal ideation.

I personally think that there are more narcs out there than we think because the ones you probably see on a daily smiling and being caring and helpful might be horrible to their victims. We would never really know.

If anything, I find those willing to identify and call out abuse and distance themselves from abusive invdiiduals to be the brave one. Choosing to see the truth and take a stand against it. Even if it means potentially losing people who will not support you. They are the real, authentic ones

And you are right, the ones who see through them are the courageous ones but also rare.

 

[SenseOfLoss]

Very well written... You get to the heart of the matter.

 

[Pluto]

Yes, you have phrased it very insightfully. A very large number of people here have been through it. I never quite figured out if Npeople leave a trail of death behind them because they simply don't care, or because they get off on the suffering of others. Probably both.

In these people the part of the brain that is responsible for empathy dies and stops functioning, resulting in the Dark Triad personality that objectifies and dehumanises all others except themselves. It's actually normal for young children to go through a phase like this - being unable to view the world from the perspective of others - but for Npeople it's a lifelong affliction. It can be genetic or trauma-related. They merely develop coping strategies like superficial charm, flying monkeys and narcissistic rage to deprive their victims of support.

There are many Facebook and Reddit groups dedicated to supporting people who have been through this. It is helpful, at least for a while, to realise that many others have been through the same thing. This is because invalidation is the main murder weapon of the narcissist. I also got a lot of insight from learning about manipulation and family dysfunction. It makes it less personal to realise that all this is a thing.

Finally, be warned that having learned to normalise these situations makes us easy targets for narcissists in subsequent relationships. I have been preaching on this topic for years, yet I myself got screwed over on a couple of occasions by Npeople just in the past several months, so I have no credibility.

 

[chocolatebar]

Another victim here. My life was irrecoverably destroyed by a narcissist family.

The worst of all, what enrages me to the core of human affliction, is how they manage to build a public image of a loving and caring family, who struggled a lot to raise me. (The focus is their struggle, of course, as any narcissist would do)

 

[Water-Lily]

Narcissistic abuse is one of the most horrendous things one can go through. That's the number one reason why I want to ctb.
From what I have seen, narcissists tend to be very cunning. That is how they are able to gather people around them. They are very good at putting on a face of kindness and benevolence in front of outsiders when in fact they drive their victims to suicidal ideation.

I personally think that there are more narcs out there than we think because the ones you probably see on a daily smiling and being caring and helpful might be horrible to their victims. We would never really know.

And you are right, the ones who see through them are the courageous ones but also rare.

I agree. It makes you have to remind yourself that just because a person is smiling an laugh does not mean they're a good person

Narcissists put out a type of energy that can seem almost attractive. And thats all part of their plan. I also feel narcissists, if you know what to look for, can always drop signs of who they are. Little comments even body movements that tell you "something is off" even if you don't know them yet. Even if to everyone else they might seem like an amazing person, your gut tells you otherwise. it's like you develop ways to scan out narcissists

And yes I feel so many narcissists are out there, more than we like to agree with. And a lot of narcissism is either not known (some are fortunate enough to never experience it), some are victims and do not know it, and some are active enablers.

I really feel you on the desire to ctb. It almost feels like society is built to allow narcissistic abuse to survive. And if you become an enabler, or a victim who thrives on self gaslighting (sacrificing your true self just to appease the narcissist) it's like it's the only way to really "survive". Cause society has cultivated this way of surviving narcissism that involves deep denial and gaslighting. And when people choose to "rock the boat" you see how quick everyone turns on you and hurts you. It makes us, the real ones, feel we can't survive. and it not that we can't. We are navigating in a world that doesn't like people calling out abuse for what it is. I'd like to hope that, as more people are coming forward and becoming wiser, that we'll keep finding ways to fight back and find our peace

I feel for you wanting to die because of narcissistic abuse. It is valid and something Dr. Ramani has mentioned. Though saying cases of suicide are "rare" which is one thing I do disagree with. Narcissistic abuse, even if not physical, can drive someone to die. And it happens.

I hope you don't choose the path of suicide. But I also know how hard it is to keep fighting. Even when you're dong all the hard work it feels fleeting

Yes, you have phrased it very insightfully. A very large number of people here have been through it. I never quite figured out if Npeople leave a trail of death behind them because they simply don't care, or because they get off on the suffering of others. Probably both.

In these people the part of the brain that is responsible for empathy dies and stops functioning, resulting in the Dark Triad personality that objectifies and dehumanises all others except themselves. It's actually normal for young children to go through a phase like this - being unable to view the world from the perspective of others - but for Npeople it's a lifelong affliction. It can be genetic or trauma-related. They merely develop coping strategies like superficial charm, flying monkeys and narcissistic rage to deprive their victims of support.

There are many Facebook and Reddit groups dedicated to supporting people who have been through this. It is helpful, at least for a while, to realise that many others have been through the same thing. This is because invalidation is the main murder weapon of the narcissist. I also got a lot of insight from learning about manipulation and family dysfunction. It makes it less personal to realise that all this is a thing.

Finally, be warned that having learned to normalise these situations makes us easy targets for narcissists in subsequent relationships. I have been preaching on this topic for years, yet I myself got screwed over on a couple of occasions by Npeople just in the past several months, so I have no credibility.

View attachment 106090

Yeah. It's that they just don't care at all. And thats the sad and sick thing. They can go through life just not caring about the damage they do to people. They essentially get away with murder and ruining lives, and are surrounded by a group of enablers to justify their false self
I don't get how you can be happy like that. Going through life knowing that someone out there is broken and forever traumatized or dead because of your actions. Because you take advantage of a society that lets abuse like yours go under the cover and never addressed. And there are many people like this
So many families are too narcissistic. It's in my own family (my mother was the worst) and generational trauma plays a huge role in it
I feel so city would much prefer traumatized people to keep on damaging as opposed to taking the steps to stop it. Which is also pretty shitty to the narcissist, in a sense it's saying "we're too scared/unaware/thrilled by your narcissism. So instead of trying to stop it which would be good, we're gonna keep feeding the monster inside of you". A lot of children get groomed into narcissistic monsters this way, which in itself is a form of neglect.

 

[jamie_]

I resonate so much with everything that has been said by everyone in this thread. Especially at cunning deception. I remember going to a mutual friend that we both lived and I got "I know her and she's just so lovely so I just can't possibly believe she did those things" about objective sequence events that were visible for anyone in her life to see. It's crazy. Do they seriously think they know her better than me? There are sadly so many of these terrifying people.

 

[Water-Lily]

I resonate so much with everything that has been said by everyone in this thread. Especially at cunning deception. I remember going to a mutual friend that we both lived and I got "I know her and she's just so lovely so I just can't possibly believe she did those things" about objective sequence events that were visible for anyone in her life to see. It's crazy. Do they seriously think they know her better than me? There are sadly so many of these terrifying people.

that reaction is what isolates victims even more

The reality is that just because you think you know someone, doesn't mean you do. The person you believe who'd never "hurt a fly" obviously won't show that side of themselves to you directly

It goes back how there is so much societal and generational victim blaming. It's as if once you're a victim, your'e screwed. and if you're an abuser, you can ride through life

 

[jamie_]

there is so much societal and generational victim blaming. It's as if once you're a victim, your'e screwed. and if you're an abuser, you can ride through life

yup. that's what happened to me – got kicked out of university. them on the other hand... life just seems to get better.

that reaction is what isolates victims even more

and the last time i've ever spoken to anyone from that previous life i had was around the time it got ruined. not a thing since. im a textbook example.

 

[jamie_]

"You're an adult" and "you need to mature" are other ones too. It's just gaslighting isn't it? Always focus about how you reacted to the thing, to take away from any focus on the thing itself.

 

[Per Ardua Ad Astra]

Thank you all and I'm so sorry.

I am desperate to be specific here but … (thanks @Pluto) … 'Ngatekeeper.'

I had no idea — until a heart wrenching thread here by 'Speck' — back in November 2022. That literally hit home.

Sadly 5-10-20 years too for me late now.

Escaped my 'Nfamily' straight into arms of 'NSO' (legally bound) — and promised a better life in a foreign country — where eventually— physically devastating medical malpractice is ongoing — yet denied by NSO and their Ndoctors.

From the cradle to the grave.

I'm trapped. Failed 2x Ctb ODs — and mocked — before found SaSu.

It's too late for me. Now it's a horrifying LIFE sentence — imminent Nursing Home.

NSO stole my gut instinct. It's like I was hypnotized. There were alarm bells — but ofc I was assured were 'Wbells'.

Every night I wish I would die in my
med-inflicted "sleep".

Maybe better chance of an Angel of mercy in the Nursing Home.


*Sorry for cryptic words— 1st time ever broken my silence.

 

[jamie_]

It stole my gut instinct. It's like I was hypnotized.

This. I was a rational, intelligent person and I folded like a deck of cards the second I heard them say "see, you don't trust me". It is painful to get flashbacks about how they subjected me to that manipulation, creating mental doubt and illness on me by telling me it was my anxiety that was creating an illusion, but more so I become so frightened at how easy it was for someone to get me to ignore gut instinct like that even when it was eating me alive, causing me pain and suffering. It was like I had been stabbed and being told that the end of the knife hanging out of my stomach wasn't actually there, that it was all an illusion – and me believing it.

 

[KAZ-2Y5]

NPD and ASPD are very damaging disorders.