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- Feb 12, 2023
- 113
i never stood a chance, it's ridiculous. it's like some ridiculous joke. i feel like a cartoon character, everything just goes wrong; it's almost comical.
from the moment i was born, everything was wrong. i can never get what i want. the very basis of my identity is not the one that i wanted. nothing goes my way, and even if it does, it just ends up ruining something else. i can only think of one or two instances where something substantial worked out in my favor, but it just ended up fucking me over in the long run.
i'm so lonely. i've never had this many real friends, but i'm the loneliest i've ever been. my brain just doesn't function correctly. i don't outwardly sabotage my relationships, but i always end up convincing myself to hate the people in my life. this doesn't affect the way i treat anyone, it only affects my own misery.
hell, the friendships usually end up getting fucked over by something else before my thinking can even intervene.
i know that this is a fact for nearly everyone, but this feels excessive. i can't get anything. not one aspect of my life can work out in my favor. every glimmer of hope gets ruined almost instantly, no matter how good my odds were or how hard i tried. ctb doesn't even work out in my favor. just like everything else, it's not possible because of circumstances that are out of my control.
this feels evil and cruel. i'm not allowed anything that could bring any ounce of contentment or relief to my life; but i'm seemingly not allowed to die, either.
i just want to get what i want. it doesn't even have to be death. i'm fine with whatever as long as it works.
from the moment i was born, everything was wrong. i can never get what i want. the very basis of my identity is not the one that i wanted. nothing goes my way, and even if it does, it just ends up ruining something else. i can only think of one or two instances where something substantial worked out in my favor, but it just ended up fucking me over in the long run.
i'm so lonely. i've never had this many real friends, but i'm the loneliest i've ever been. my brain just doesn't function correctly. i don't outwardly sabotage my relationships, but i always end up convincing myself to hate the people in my life. this doesn't affect the way i treat anyone, it only affects my own misery.
hell, the friendships usually end up getting fucked over by something else before my thinking can even intervene.
i know that this is a fact for nearly everyone, but this feels excessive. i can't get anything. not one aspect of my life can work out in my favor. every glimmer of hope gets ruined almost instantly, no matter how good my odds were or how hard i tried. ctb doesn't even work out in my favor. just like everything else, it's not possible because of circumstances that are out of my control.
this feels evil and cruel. i'm not allowed anything that could bring any ounce of contentment or relief to my life; but i'm seemingly not allowed to die, either.
i just want to get what i want. it doesn't even have to be death. i'm fine with whatever as long as it works.
