Fadeawaaaay
Visionary
- Nov 12, 2021
- 2,160
Woke up this morning feeling better for really no good reason. Head is clear. Not feeling depressed.
But…
My circumstances are still dire. My "career" (that was always tenuous and built on quicksand) is still ruined with no prospect of income. I'll be flat broke and homeless in a couple years.
Still heartbroken.
Still lonely and mostly friendless.
Still trapped in my small rental apartment.
Still reeling in loss having squandered my nest egg through lack of proper budgeting and bad decisions.
Still unmotivated to "get a job" or find some way out of this mess.
Still resigned and defeated.
Still looking back at an entirely useless life with zero accomplishments and incredible opportunities ignored and wasted.
But…
I have zero visceral desire to CTB.
And so, in a way, it's an even bigger problem.
I still have no reason to live.
No interest in negotiating old age and future illness.
No interest in trying to manufacture some new career at this late date.
No interest in holing up in my apartment Knowing that all my friends and my ex girlfriend and everybody else is out enjoying the Christmas season… traveling, skiing…
No motivation to procure N, though I should and I should do it immediately. With my pattern of Procrastination across a lifetime, the opportunity will come and go, And I will look back later and say why didn't I get my shit together and move things along…
And so one dilemma yields to another.
Wish I was in a depressive fog to justify my indolence. I do.
But…
My circumstances are still dire. My "career" (that was always tenuous and built on quicksand) is still ruined with no prospect of income. I'll be flat broke and homeless in a couple years.
Still heartbroken.
Still lonely and mostly friendless.
Still trapped in my small rental apartment.
Still reeling in loss having squandered my nest egg through lack of proper budgeting and bad decisions.
Still unmotivated to "get a job" or find some way out of this mess.
Still resigned and defeated.
Still looking back at an entirely useless life with zero accomplishments and incredible opportunities ignored and wasted.
But…
I have zero visceral desire to CTB.
And so, in a way, it's an even bigger problem.
I still have no reason to live.
No interest in negotiating old age and future illness.
No interest in trying to manufacture some new career at this late date.
No interest in holing up in my apartment Knowing that all my friends and my ex girlfriend and everybody else is out enjoying the Christmas season… traveling, skiing…
No motivation to procure N, though I should and I should do it immediately. With my pattern of Procrastination across a lifetime, the opportunity will come and go, And I will look back later and say why didn't I get my shit together and move things along…
And so one dilemma yields to another.
Wish I was in a depressive fog to justify my indolence. I do.
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