(Before I start, I want to say this is like a poem in prose form. I feel so much inside me and I just want to vent some of that.)
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I imagine myself in my last days. I am lying on the bed, sad, depressed, with a critical disease about to end my life. There is finally the option to finish my life with just a quick action of disconnecting me from whatever machine is keeping me alive. There's someone to my side. Not necessarily someone important to me or someone that I love, but there is someone. They understand my pain and feel sorry about it. They want to say something before I am gone. They understand there's no place for me in this life, that even if there was actually a cure to my disease, I don't want it. I just want to die. I hoped every day that with my daily self-destruction, I would bring this upon myself, and it finally happened. I won't have to live for too much longer. My life will be gone before I have to endure the full misery of a full lifetime. My life will be gone before I keep accumulating to the net misery of this vane world. And they finally came to understand. That person that is next to me finally came to understand. I am not sure how, but they finally did.
So they just want to say: "Rest in peace". But please don't. Just don't say anything.
If you say: "Rest in peace", then I'll be gone with so much anger in my heart. You really don't care about me, and if you've really been listening, you'd understand why that is. Nobody really cares about each other, that's a lie that we've been told in our upbringing and thoughout the entirety of our lives, but no one really cares about each other. And I am not playing hypocrite here. I don't care about anyone either. I am just a selfish person (like everyone) who just wants to stop suffering and I don't care if the stopping of my existence causes any temporal suffering to anyone else. I just want to go. Again, it's not like anybody is any different. You don't want me to go because you don't want to feel lonely without me. You are just thinking about you and your own loneliness. You don't really care that I am suffering. And that's the hard reality that unfortunately or fortunately, whatever, I have come to be aware of.
And if they just want to say: "I am glad your wish has finally been fulfilled", just don't. Please don't. My real wish is not to die. My real wish is to live in a happy world, where everyone, including me, truly cares about other people. A world where people are capable of leaving their home and everything they have just to make someone else happy. But it's not realistic. It's not possible. Not in this world. Everyone, me included, are too busy in their own lives. There are physical limitations. There are money limitations. There are lots of limitations that only allow us to help just a little bit. And unfortunately, it's not enough. So my real wish cannot be fulfilled. And that's the hard reality that unfortunately or fortunately, whatever, I have come to be aware of.
Let me die in loneliness, let me die in absolute emptiness, without feeling anything about anyone or anything whatsoever.
So please, don't say anything. Just do it.
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I imagine myself in my last days. I am lying on the bed, sad, depressed, with a critical disease about to end my life. There is finally the option to finish my life with just a quick action of disconnecting me from whatever machine is keeping me alive. There's someone to my side. Not necessarily someone important to me or someone that I love, but there is someone. They understand my pain and feel sorry about it. They want to say something before I am gone. They understand there's no place for me in this life, that even if there was actually a cure to my disease, I don't want it. I just want to die. I hoped every day that with my daily self-destruction, I would bring this upon myself, and it finally happened. I won't have to live for too much longer. My life will be gone before I have to endure the full misery of a full lifetime. My life will be gone before I keep accumulating to the net misery of this vane world. And they finally came to understand. That person that is next to me finally came to understand. I am not sure how, but they finally did.
So they just want to say: "Rest in peace". But please don't. Just don't say anything.
If you say: "Rest in peace", then I'll be gone with so much anger in my heart. You really don't care about me, and if you've really been listening, you'd understand why that is. Nobody really cares about each other, that's a lie that we've been told in our upbringing and thoughout the entirety of our lives, but no one really cares about each other. And I am not playing hypocrite here. I don't care about anyone either. I am just a selfish person (like everyone) who just wants to stop suffering and I don't care if the stopping of my existence causes any temporal suffering to anyone else. I just want to go. Again, it's not like anybody is any different. You don't want me to go because you don't want to feel lonely without me. You are just thinking about you and your own loneliness. You don't really care that I am suffering. And that's the hard reality that unfortunately or fortunately, whatever, I have come to be aware of.
And if they just want to say: "I am glad your wish has finally been fulfilled", just don't. Please don't. My real wish is not to die. My real wish is to live in a happy world, where everyone, including me, truly cares about other people. A world where people are capable of leaving their home and everything they have just to make someone else happy. But it's not realistic. It's not possible. Not in this world. Everyone, me included, are too busy in their own lives. There are physical limitations. There are money limitations. There are lots of limitations that only allow us to help just a little bit. And unfortunately, it's not enough. So my real wish cannot be fulfilled. And that's the hard reality that unfortunately or fortunately, whatever, I have come to be aware of.
Let me die in loneliness, let me die in absolute emptiness, without feeling anything about anyone or anything whatsoever.
So please, don't say anything. Just do it.
