Don’t know where I’m at.

[Seaofsleep]

Vent..

I don't really know where I'm at. I made an account here just over a month ago when I was sure ctb was my only option and had started to make a serious plan, doing research every day where I had the energy.
I had also started antidepressants just before then, though I didn't believe I was depressed, as a sort of condition to living with my mum.

When I realised I would have to hold off on any plans(again so as not to disrupt my loved ones lives any more than possible) I put the whole thing on the back burner and stopped visiting here.
That was a few weeks ago and I've since been feeling better.. or different.
I didn't set out to 'recover' but once I knew I'd have to wait I figured I'd give myself a break from feeling so miserable. I didn't realise how much effort trying to make myself disappear was actually taking.
It's been happening gradually but I've started looking after myself again and challenging my self hatred, doing things I enjoy and engaging with the world again.. but it still feels like there's a ticking clock in the background. I made up my mind and all paths led to here.
So where do I go now? continue as I have been and just take comfort in knowing ctb is always an option?
I feel almost like I'm betraying myself living like this.
Has anyone else been the same?
Was it all just my mind trying to con me or was it the truth and now I'm just living a lie, not actually doing the real work.

Hard to explain and I don't want to spiral. Like I said, vent

 

[fedup1982]

I'm glad you wrote this. I feel quite similarly. I've all but given up hopes or drives to CTB for the moment cos it's just too tough, easier to live, but I'm frustrated, stuck in some sort of limbo. I'm looking after myself better, I feel a lot better, but there's that niggle in the background. That dream of CTB ever so slightly revealing its head, looking for an opportunity. If only there was an easier way to die without upsetting people around me

 

[Seaofsleep]

I'm glad you wrote this. I feel quite similarly. I've all but given up hopes or drives to CTB for the moment cos it's just too tough, easier to live, but I'm frustrated, stuck in some sort of limbo. I'm looking after myself better, I feel a lot better, but there's that niggle in the background. That dream of CTB ever so slightly revealing its head, looking for an opportunity. If only there was an easier way to die without upsetting people around me

Thank you. This is really well put

 

[Abyss Dweller]

What came to my mind is that feeling and being a certain way (e.g. feeling down, depressed) can sometimes become a habit. Like you don't know any better so you go to your default.

But it's not necessarily what you actually want/feel. (Hard to describe, 'want' feels silly because of course everyone here probably wants deep down a happy life and noone wants to be depressed.)

Don't know this just came to my mind reading your post.