I haven't posted or done anything here in a while, just been lurking. I'm so tired though. And I can't manage to find a way out. I can't seem to recover and can't seem to leave and I hate it.
I feel like I'm so close to being able to leave and yet for some reason I can't work up the courage. Whenever I get close, there are two things that stop me:
1. The fear that whatever's on the other side could be worse. I think one thing I've learned is that there is no such thing as rock bottom; it can always get worse. I'd like there to be nothing on the other side but I don't know and it's scary. I don't want to be reincarnated and go through this world again. I know I could've gotten a worse roll of the dice and I don't want to do it again. Or maybe there's something else equally terrible or even worse.
2. There's some small hope that things will change. I don't know how this would happen though, I feel like I spend all my energy trying to get by and don't have the energy to try to improve any more. Maybe once upon a time. And in any case I don't even know how to.
I think the worst part is all the times I'm alone and struggling and I want someone to talk to that I can ask for advice on what to do, for help. And there isn't anyone there.
It's been years and I don't want to wake up in five years and find myself in the same place only more tired. But the thing is I can't seem to leave or recover. I don't know what to do.
Does anyone have suggestions? All the people I might talk to in real life would either react poorly or it would be too much to ask of them. And I don't know what to do anymore.
I feel like I'm so close to being able to leave and yet for some reason I can't work up the courage. Whenever I get close, there are two things that stop me:
1. The fear that whatever's on the other side could be worse. I think one thing I've learned is that there is no such thing as rock bottom; it can always get worse. I'd like there to be nothing on the other side but I don't know and it's scary. I don't want to be reincarnated and go through this world again. I know I could've gotten a worse roll of the dice and I don't want to do it again. Or maybe there's something else equally terrible or even worse.
2. There's some small hope that things will change. I don't know how this would happen though, I feel like I spend all my energy trying to get by and don't have the energy to try to improve any more. Maybe once upon a time. And in any case I don't even know how to.
I think the worst part is all the times I'm alone and struggling and I want someone to talk to that I can ask for advice on what to do, for help. And there isn't anyone there.
It's been years and I don't want to wake up in five years and find myself in the same place only more tired. But the thing is I can't seem to leave or recover. I don't know what to do.
Does anyone have suggestions? All the people I might talk to in real life would either react poorly or it would be too much to ask of them. And I don't know what to do anymore.
